the "r" word

relationship.

all of a sudden that is a scary word to me.  i've wanted one for so long, and now that i may be on the verge of one, i'm scared shitless.

i'm not inventing this relationship thing.  M used the word twice in a matter of two days.  the first time was more in joking terms, but the second time was more serious.  he didn't come out and say this is a relationship, but he said something along the lines of "at the beginning of a relationship..."

beginning of a relationship?

here?

now?

what?

so it freaked me out.

i'm not sure why.

well i have a theory (of course).  i have not been in a real relationship since brett.  that ended in july 2009.  yep, 2009!  that was two years ago.  the closest thing i have had to a relationship since then was gary, and i have decided that was totally one sided (me liking him more than he ever liked me).  anyway, i've been single for two years and although i hate it, i guess i've gotten used to it.  not only that, but since i have a bad track record with relationships (let's not rehash those now) i guess beginning one would scare me because every beginning has an end and the end is usually painful (did that make any sense?).  i don't want to be hurt.  i just wanna be happy.

i know...

i know...

take things one day at a time.  don't worry about the end.  live in the moment.  "you could have missed the pain, but you would have missed the dance" (something like that).  but it's ok to be scared.  it's ok to worry a little.  it's ok to be cautious.

the whole point of this post was to share that i'm at the "beginning of a relationship" and i'm scared of it.  but i refuse to run from it.  i refuse to fight it.  i refuse to let it make me an anxious ball of nerves.  i'm just gonna go with it!