no april fool

this is not a joke--it is a serious post.

april 1st is kinda a difficult day for me.  i did the math this morning.  it has been exactly 9 years since wayne moved out of our house and exactly 8 years since my divorce became final.

yep, it all took place on april 1st.

i remember going to court april 1, 2005.  the judge asked if we were sure we wanted to get divorced on april fool's day.  i joked and said something like, "as long as you don't say it's a joke after you say it's final."

well, it wasn't a joke.  it was a divorce.  in case you don't know, even if you're the one that wants the divorce, it's still a difficult thing.  something that, when it started, you thought would last forever has ended.  it's sad.

i've written before that i sometimes question if i did the right thing by wanting a divorce.  this usually happens when my mom brings up my divorce and her opinions of it.  but i do wonder... where would i be today if i had stayed married?  it's the whole what if... game i play with myself.

but everything happens for a reason.  he was brought into my life for a reason.  actually, i believe, two reasons.  he's not a bad guy.  things just changed.  it happens.

i sometimes feel sad to be 36 years old and divorced.  mostly because i have a lot of friends who are happily married and i want that love and companionship in my life.  i also thought that by now, i would be remarried.  it has been 8 years.  here i am--single and not in a relationship.  i feel like i've failed some how.

i came to terms last year the with fact that i probably won't have another baby.  i decided that i have been blessed with a wonderful child.  if i don't ever have another baby, that will be okay.  it took a while to get there, but i've decided that i don't need another baby in my life to be complete.

maybe it's time to come to terms with the fact that i may never marry again.  that i may be eternally single.  i think that if i didn't want it so bad that things would be easier.  it may also happen for me if i stop thinking about it so much.  just because i've said it, doesn't mean i believe it's okay.  that will take time.

for tonight i just want two things:

1. for this day to be over so i can stop thinking about how my marriage failed.
2. for the maroon 5 concert announcement made earlier today not to be a joke.  it would be great to see them twice in one year!