on my mind monday: me and how i want things to change

i'm taking a break from my commentary on current events and public figures to focus on something a little more real--myself.  this monday, i'm on my mind.

sometimes i feel like i'm losing it. that's not easy to admit.  no one wants to be crazy. no one wants to tell other people that she doesn't have it all together like they thought she did.

this weekend was esp. hard.  i felt so lonely. which is weird because alex was actually here this weekend.  the weekend had events centered around him, so we weren't stuck in the apartment all weekend. i still felt so alone. like i have no one in the world.

i know that sounds crazy.  first of all, i have alex who thinks everything of me.  he loves me no matter how much i'm falling apart on the inside.  beyond him, i feel like i have no one.  i've felt this way for a while.  i've been told this is false; that i have friends who care. i just have a difficult time believing this.  i do not say that to hurt my friends' feelings.  i just feel so alone.

i've written before about dealing with mental illness.  it's tough.  it took months, but i finally saw a new psychiatrist and got back on medication. i'm also back in therapy.  i've been on the medicine for a little over a month, but i'm not noticing anything yet.  i've only had two therapy sessions, so not seeing improvement there either.

i really want life to be better.  i really want to go forward and do great things.  i want to write.  i have an idea for a non-profit i want to start.  i want to excel at motherhood.  i want to be involved in alex's school.  we have a bar mitzvah to plan, and i want that to be a wonderful memory for alex.  i want to continue to be a good friend; the friend i used to be.  i want to be the person i used to be.  i think i laughed more and found joy in life.  i feel lost.  i don't know how to get the things i want.  most of all, i don't feel like i deserve them.  i try to tell myself i deserve good things and happy moments.  i try to tell myself that i can do great things.  i try to believe myself when i tell myself these things.  it's just all so hard!

if i have any readers left after last week's post, you may think this post is a cry for attention.  i look at it as more of a cry for help.  i don't need attention.  i need people in my life that care to help me find my way.  i'm not sure how they are supposed to do this.  i'm pretty convinced that my friends are tired of me being depressed and just want to move on to happier people.  no one wants to be around someone who is depressed and can't find the positive things in life. (note: i try to find positive things, but often the negative things are easier to find)

i'm not sure how to conclude this post.  i guess if any readers have been through something similar and came out okay on the other side, you could share how you did that.  what got you through?  how did you find yourself again?

long time, no post

do i still have readers out there?  i've been absent from blog land for a while.  i'm not even sure why.  i wish i can tell you.  esp. since i consider my blog my therapy, and i really need some therapy right now.

i'm going to keep this short.  there is a lot going on with me.  mostly internal struggles.  of course there are financial struggles as well.  never ending battle there.

i am organizing some thoughts for several future blog posts.  i want to write about ferguson (as in missouri), life being too short, selling out and making changes, and what i'm going to do with the rest of my life.  i have a HUGE idea for a nonprofit i want to start and am hoping that 2015 will be a year of research and a chance to make it happen.

i realized the other night that i need to take control of my life and make things happen.  i've realized this before, but this time i realized there is an urgency.  i don't know when my last day on earth will be and i don't want to die and be remembered of the depressed, bipolar girl, who didn't do what she wanted in life.  i guess what i'm saying is, i am ready to fight again.

it's over

i heard from J.  actually, since i was so anxious about the situation and everything else in my life, i wrote him and told him just to go ahead and tell me.  i was starting to lose sleep over it.  here are some pieces of what he wrote:

I do appreciate you taking the time to give me space and allow me to think about where I want to go from here. You had expressed the desire for me to wait to contact you until Monday or afterward and I was also attempting to respect that request. Since you are approaching me with this email, though, I feel I should answer you now. I regret that I have caused you so much uncertainty and unhappiness, as I never wanted to cause you pain or make you unhappy and I feel bad that my own weakness and personal issues are a source of suffering for you.

I was hoping to find some degree of peace of mind amid the chaos of swirling emotions that I'm currently battling. I do agree that we have a lot in common and compliment each other well. I enjoy visiting with you, I enjoy reading your stories, hearing about your day, and sharing time together. I'd hate to lose those things but at the same time I feel that I'm not at a point emotionally or mentally that I can truly relax, let myself go, and be completely comfortable in the relationship. I feel that right now there are some scars that have not healed and issues that run too deep. Please understand that you are an incredible person. You are attractive, talented, and I consider myself very lucky to have gotten to be with you and to have someone like you wanting to be with me. I hope you will not take this as anything against you as the problem lies with me and my own weaknesses, scars, and insecurities. 

You deserve to be with someone wonderful and I hope that you will find the man who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated and recognize each moment with you for the treasure that it is. I'm sorry that the issues of my past and my emotional shortcoming will not allow me to be that person. If you ever want to share some of your stories with me or if there is ever anything I can do to help you with your writing, I would still like to be here for you. I will also understand if you are angry with me or the pain I have caused you is such that you would prefer to just leave me in the past. In either case, I will always hope and wish for the best for you in all things.

part of me is a skeptic.  i want to think it's more.  i don't know why i do that.  he said all those nice things about me, so why doesn't he want to be with me?  i don't get that.  M did that too.  if i am so wonderful, then why the hell are you breaking up with me?  it confuses me.

i replied to this making the offer to see my psychiatrist.  he turned that down, saying he has been down that path before with his ex.  i tried to tell him i'm not his ex, but that didn't do any good.

my major problem is that he was totally into me and everything was great before i felt that i had to share my diagnosis with him.  he said not to take it as anything against me, but if i wasn't bipolar then things would be fine.  i'm blaming myself.

i am trying to make sense of it without overanalyzing it.  it was only 3 months of my life instead of a year or longer.  the thing is since we had so much in common and had so much fun together, i felt connected to him in a way i haven't felt connected to anyone in a while.

i may just take a break from dating--it sucks!

i have to ask (my 300th post)

i've been debating for a couple of weeks about what to write for my 300th blog.  here's what i've come up with...

i now have 6 followers and several ghost readers who have decided to take part in the insanity that i call my life (i invite everyone who is reading to follow publicly).  this doesn't count the close friends who have the privilege to get each post in their inbox.  anyway, in this post i am reaching out to my readers with some important questions.  to weigh in, you can leave a comment, email me, or if you know me IRL you can call/text.  i just need some help so i don't screw up.

i've mentioned J in a few posts.  we've really been hitting it off.  we email daily.  we text little things to each other all the time. we had another date last night.  we shared our first kiss. i'm really into him.  i didn't expect to have someone come in my life so soon after M that i would feel this way about.  i wouldn't quite use the "L" word yet (it's way too soon for that), but i like him a lot and see potential.  he does too.  he told me.  we are very open and talk about all sorts of things.

so with all this wonderful stuff happening and things progressing so nicely and at a reasonable pace, i shouldn't have anything to worry about, right?  this is me we are talking about.  there is ALWAYS something to worry about.

my number one concern is when/if to tell him something.  this is kinda a big something, and from where i sit, it could potentially be a deal breaker.  for those of you new to my blog, i have a bipolar diagnoses.  i mostly have major states of depression.  i have only been manic once or twice.  i see a psychiatrist on a regular basis and take medications to level out my moods.  i share this with very few people (yeah, i know, i just shared it with the world, but it's not a conversation i have with people). there is such a negative stigma that goes along with the word bipolar.  anyway, why is this a problem?  from what he has told me about his ex wife, she is bipolar.  she cheated on him a lot.  she took meds to sleep and wouldn't wake up to take care of their son.  i am dealing with limited information here, but do i tell him about my diagnosis?  do i open that can of worms with him?  it's part of me, but doesn't define me.  as long as i take my meds, i don't have manic episodes.  i do take something to sleep, but it doesn't leave me unable to function.  how would he feel about me if he found out i am bipolar?  i'm really struggling with this because i don't want to go too far into this if this is going to be an issue.  what do i say?  when?

on a lighter note, i'm wondering about social media.  do i "friend" him?  when?  he took a picture of us together last night--do i share that with my friends?  i told him i wanted to go slow.  i still haven't defined that for myself completely.  what's too fast?  is that up for us to decide?

let me just add that the reason i'm so worried about these things is because i'm trying to learn from past mistakes and not screw up something that has potential.  i want to see where this goes because i have a really good feeling about it.  i'm working to think more with my brain instead of my heart, but i can't deny feelings that are there.

finally, i want to thank those of you who have been loyal to my blog from the beginning.  i also want to welcome the people new to my blog and hope that you will follow me and continue to be part of the insanity! :)

negative

my therapist has told me that i'm a very negative person and need to work at changing my thinking.  she is right on both counts.  i try to be positive, but am often negative.  i tend to see the bad in every situation first.  it's easier for some reason. so, it is no surprise that i have some negative things to bring up about this change of status.  don't get me wrong--i am extremely happy!  it's just that i see potential things that could go wrong (i worry before i need to).

first of all... now that we are officially boyfriend/girlfriend (weird to say), when do i tell him about my diagnosis (bipolar)?  i feel it is important that he knows.  my friends know.  hell, whoever is reading this blog right now knows.  shouldn't i tell the man that i am dating?  i shouldn't hide it.  that's what i feel like i am doing by not brining it up.  but how do i bring that up?  what do i say?  when do i say it?  he said again last night that everyone is crazy and has issues (leads me to wonder what his issues are),  so since he believes that everyone is crazy in some way, maybe he'll not think my diagnosis is a big deal.  which it isn't.  i'm on meds and it's controlled.  i still suffer depression from time-to-time, but as long as i'm not manic there are no problems.

then there is the issue of sex (don't worry, this won't be graphic in any way).  i have been anti-sex since i wrote this post about the guy who wanted to make out with me the first time he met me.  i had made it clear to this person that i wanted more than sex, but that is all he was after.  so i'm against sex right now. i told M i wanted to take things slow in the "physical" department.  i didn't tell him why, but i have had too many relationships that have revolved around sex.  i am tired of that.  i don't want that.  i'm totally against doing that to myself again.  so i feel kinda bad for M because i'm feeling so negative about sex.  he has been a total gentleman and has not tried any funny business (which is so refreshing), but eventually, he's gonna want to.  i just hope i'm over this "sex is bad" thing.  it's obvious to me that M doesn't just want sex from what he he has said and his actions.  i'm just feeling negative toward the subject.

see, i found two negative things.  not too bad--i could probably find more.  i am trying so hard to live in the moment and just enjoy what i am feeling now.  someone is really into me.  i'm into him.  we have so much fun together.  he's so sweet and says the nicest things.  he makes me feel like a princess.  what more could i ask for?

confessions of a bipolar (blog #200)

yippee!  this is blog number 200! i said in my post on sunday that i wanted to write something special for blog #200.  i decided it doesn't have to be happy special.  just special.  i've been thinking a lot in the past 24 hours about my diagnosis (bipolar) and how it can affect (or is it effect?--always confused on that one) relationships.  i don't mean just with men, but with everyone:  family, alex, friends, and of course romantic relationships.  i know my bipolar disorder does not need to define me, but it is part of me.  i am confronted with it each morning and night when i have to swallow the assortment of little, colorful pills.  the meds help and i can't complain.  it's good that i finally stopped denying that there was a problem and that i took the steps to be able to function in life.  anyway, i do have a point...  this post will be my "confessions".  they don't necessarily have to do with me being bipolar, but i thought i would be a "cute" title (omg! did i just say bipolar and cute in the same sentence?)


disclaimer:  this will be a long post, but you should take the time to read my thoughts--some of them are pretty good! ;)

confessions of a bipolar

1.  if i know you IRL (in real life) chances are you will be written about in my blog.  this is esp. true for guys i encounter.  not only does writing about these dates/relationships help me, but it makes for good blog material (esp. with the crazies).  don't worry, unless you really piss me off or it's really serious i won't use your name (at least not right away).

2.  most of the short stories i write have to do with something i have experienced IRL (in real life).  i take my experiences and fictionalize them.  i change names and situations, putting my own spin on things.  so when asked where i get my ideas, i'm not always quick to admit from my life because i write about some fucked up stuff.  but, it's therapeutic and makes for a good story (at least i think so).

3.  as i hinted to in my introduction, my diagnosis scares me.  sometimes the depression gets so bad i can barely take care of alex (just able to meet his minimum needs).   sometimes the racing thoughts keep me from functioning like a "normal" person.  it's hard to deal with, and i feel like i go at it alone most of the time.  sure i have my therapist and psychiatrist, but i don't know how to reach out to my friends (which i am always being told by my therapist and psychiatrist to do).  i hope to one day be able to pick up the phone when i feel crazy manic or severely depressed and get a little help from my friends.  i also hope i can find someone who loves me (all of me) and will hold my hand through the rough spots.  (one positive thing about the new guy (let's call him M) is that he believes everyone is a some kind of crazy, so maybe my crazy won't be so bad).

4. i tend to obsess over things.  i don't know if that is being bipolar or if it just some weird personality trait that i ended up with.  i just watched he's not that into you and i totally related to gigi's character.  i check mail 100s of times a day.  i check my phone even more.  waiting for a guy to call/text.  i'm doing better with this new guy, but i still want the attention.  why am i such an attention whore?  (that could be a post in and of itself).  i guess it all boils down to wanting to be loved/wanted.  sometimes i think i want it too bad, which is why i don't have it.  the good thing about M is that we met at a party and he was interested enough from what he saw at the party to ask me out.  i wasn't looking for it. i wasn't hoping he would want to call me.  it was all very natural.

5.  i am very nervous about my new job.  i have not been very successful in the classroom the last few years.  i don't know what happened, but i lost my confidence and everything went to hell.  i really want to do a good job.  not just for my bosses or the kids (both equally important), but for me.  i need to feel success.  i need to do something and feel good about it.  sure, i've had small successes over the past year at the store, but it's not the same.  i need something big to work out for me and build back up my confidence.

6.  when i reread my old blog posts (the ones on myspace) or old poetry (which i posted some here on my writing blog) i realize how fucked up in the head i am.  i've been through hell since my divorce and some days (and this is hard to admit) i wonder if all the hell i have been through in the past six years is better or worse what i would have experienced if i had stayed married.  i was unhappy then, but i've had some dismal days over this time.  just gotta wonder sometimes...  chuck and brett (esp. brett) did a number on my heart and soul.  was it all worth it?  who knows?

7.  i am very insecure and tend to be naiive and too trusting while not trusting very much.  i know that is a total contradiction, but some how that is what happens.  i'm afraid to trust, but at the same time will throw caution to the wind and just go with it.  how fucked up is that?  i don't only do this in romantic relationships, but with new friends too.  i put up this wall and don't trust.  then all of a sudden--boom!  totally trusting and not paying attention to any red flags.

8.  being insecure and untrusting makes it difficult to believe what others tell me.  for example, M keeps telling me i'm pretty and deserve to be treated nicely and all this other sweet stuff.  part of me totally believes him and feels so special.  the other part of me thinks it is all bullshit.  i think the bullshit thoughts stem from the fact that i'm still trying to learn to love myself.  i don't believe him because i don't believe those words could ever be true about me.  my therapist told me once that i need to treat myself like i would a good friend.  i've really gotta practice that one more.

well there you have it.  my 8 (had to be an even number) confessions of the night.  i expressed a lot of raw emotion and with all of what i disclose, i would like it to stay between me and my readers.  if you read something here, it is not up for discussion with others.  yes, i know, it's on the world wide web for anyone to read, but then they are reading it for themselves and not hearing a second hand interpretation.  (where did that paranoid thought come from?) 

a blemish

i think i've blogged about this before, so if you are bored, my feelings won't be hurt. i started thinking the last couple of days about bipolar disorder. my sister had it. i have it (i finally believe my doctor). hell, katherine zeta jones has it (in the news last week). so, why do people freak out when they hear "bipolar disorder" or "manic/depressive"? why is there such a stigma? why are people afraid of people who have been diagnosed? it's not contagious.

my sister's bipolar was different than mine for many reasons. first of all, i think i have bipolar II, which means there are fewer episodes of mania (from what i have read and understand). i also don't self medicate. my sister did with street drugs and prescription pills (not the ones for bipolar, painkillers). plus my sister often had violent episodes. i've never been violent.

when i have been manic (upon reflection i can now pinpoint those times) i have just spent too much money or made some REALLY STUPID decisions/choices. i am able to make it seem logical at the time, but the next day (or within the hour), i'll be like what the fuck was i thinking?

my doctor says i need to have someone to call when i am thinking about spending money or making a stupid choice. but who wants to admit their stupidity to others? esp. those that love you? you don't want them think you're a total idiot and stop loving you. you don't want to to admit that you want to go out and do something reckless and crazy and beg them to stop you. so what do you (i) do? just do the reckless and crazy thing and live with the regret later. well that's not totally true--i don't have much regret. i do block a lot of things out--whole sections of things that i don't want to deal with. is that unhealthy or am i just protecting myself?

ok--let me step back. i'm making the disorder sound all crazy. rereading that makes me know why people avoid bipolar people...

when we (people who have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder) take our meds, most of us are fine. when my doctor saw me a couple of weeks ago after putting me on all new meds he said I was the most level he had ever seen me (he has been seeing me since 2005). i feel calm. i feel good. a little lethargic from one of the drugs, but other than that i am happy and feeling good about facing the world. i am happy we have found a combination that works. the problem is, sometimes you find a combination and it only works for so long and then you need to start over. i don't want that day to come, but it could.

anyway, my whole reason in thinking about all the negativity that goes along with a diagnosis is because i am wondering how you deal with it in a new relationship. do you tell the person? when? what if they guess on their own and are freaked out about it (don't know for sure, but it is a theory)? how do you have these conversations? it is part of me and it's not going away. isn't part of liking me, liking all of me?

i know this has been a post where i have rambled and said some crazy things. it's just what is on my mind. it's part of learning to cope with this illness...