things are getting ready to change. i am some-what excited by this change, but it's scary at the same time. i was offered the job in huntsville. i'm looking for a place to live. i am trying to figure out everything that needs to be done.
part of me is so excited about getting out of houston and living in a different (smaller) city. it's what i've wanted. i've only stayed where i am now so alex could stay at the school he started at in kindergarten. now that he is leaving the school (he's graduating--they only go up to 5th grade), i feel like i have nothing keeping me here.
part of me is nervous. i know my family won't take it well because i am moving away from them. they think they are helpful, but all they do is try to control my life and criticize alex and i. it's not helpful. they may physically keep alex at their house while i have to go to work, but emotionally and mentally it is damaging to alex and me.
i wrote about my principal saying that i could bring alex here next year, meaning they want me back as a teacher. this is not what they have shown me since before january. that's why i started looking for jobs. a small part of me, thinks i should stay. thinks that i shouldn't make the change. but that's the easy way out. i should take a risk at a time where a risk can be taken.
besides that, this school is so disorganized. all the last minute things and "secrets" (they don't like to tell the teachers what's going on, but they tell the students). it's ridiculous. it has been a stressful year. not in the classroom, but having to deal with last minute changes or plans. i love these kids, but is that enough to keep me here? i feel like it is time for me to move on. to get out there and do something different. i have been wanting to work for a non-profit for some time. this gets my foot in the door. it's gets me experience.
i worry about alex, but i think he will be okay. i'll take care of him as i always have. it'll just be an adjustment. i think the school i found for him will be good (just gotta figure out how to pay for it). he'll make new friends. i'll find him a new place to take martial arts. there will be opportunities for him. i feel like i have sacrificed for so long (which is what good mothers do), but it's time to think about what will make me happy. i don't feel attached to anything here. i don't have a lot of friends (m friends are spread all over the houston area). i don't have a job i love. i don't have a good relationship with my family. why let these things hold me back?
i feel like i've just rambled. i'm just so nervous about these changes. i know deep down they will be good, but on the surface, i'm worried (esp. about what my mom will say).
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Friday, May 2, 2014
Saturday, April 26, 2014
my mind is full
so much weighing on my mind today...
* i sent a text to some friends in late march/early april that said i wanted to do my birthday party on the afternoon of may 10th. i said in order to have a private painting party, i would need 10 total guests, so i was surveying them about the date. i got back a lot of positive response. yes, that's mother's day weekend, but people still said they could come. they said it wouldn't be a problem. i put down a deposit ($250) and sent out evites. now, with the party 2 weeks away, these same people are saying, it's mother's day (technically not until sunday, but ok). i'm being told, well, it's my boyfriend's birthday and he wants to take me out of town (but you knew about my birthday party first). i was told, that's the day of my company picnic, and since i'm the one planning it, i have to be there (but you knew you said you were coming to my party--why not say you can't plan the picnic for that day, OR that it's mother's day weekend, not a good weekend for a company picnic). i'm at 7 people right now and trying to think who else i can invite. some people still haven't responded (so rude!). i hope i don't have to cancel last minute because i don't have enough people.
* i have an eating disorder. don't laugh! i was so excited that i lost all that weight after being in the hospital with my heart. i felt good and looked good. i was happy to see myself skinny again. i wasn't perfect, but i was on my way there. then... well, i can't pinpoint the moment when i started gaining weight again. it was slow at first, but then obvious that i put back on all that weight. it came back quicker than it came off. i'm miserable when i weigh every morning. i'm miserable when i take off my clothes to get in the shower. i'm miserable when i look at the clothes in my closet that i can't wear. i want to lose weight, but i can't. some would say i don't want it bad enough. that if i did, then i would do everything i could to lose the weight. i eat for the wrong reasons. i know this. i eat when i'm upset. i eat to feel happy. i don't know how to fix this. it's a terrible feeling.
* i have decided i'm ok with being alone. well, i really decided that i'm tired of online dating and men being assholes. i just don't want to deal with it right now. maybe it's because so much is going on. maybe i've just finally come to terms with being alone is okay. it's like coming to terms with not having another baby. it took some time, but i am alright with it. i'm okay with being single. it took a long time to get here. it's kind of a peaceful feeling.
* my principal shocked the hell out of me yesterday. there has been a lot of tension (maybe i created it, but her lack of response to me hasn't helped). i assumed after several incidents that she did not want me back next year. that is why i have been looking for a job. i love the kids i work with, but if i'm not wanted there (or have no guarantee of a contract), then i may as well move on, right? well, yesterday she spoke to me (doesn't happen often). she asked if my son has gotten into a school yet. i told her no, i'm still trying to find him a place. she said, "you know you can bring him here next year if you want. it won't cost anything." wtf? that would mean she wants me to continue teaching there. i never expected this. i think i had to fight to keep my mouth from hanging open. so, i've been hunting for a job and a place for alex, for nothing? i tried to speak with her back in january about my future at the school and the fact that i had some personal things going on and would be taking a second job. she never responded to this request for a meeting. she ignored it. the time that she spoke to me that month was to tell me that there were things wrong with the high school newsletter and how i needed to fix it. (it's a joint effort--why was this all on me?). anyway, i'm all confused and conflicted now. there are so may things wrong with that school, but i love the kids and the teachers i work with. plus, it would be a small environment for alex to be in.
* i'm waiting to hear on this job in huntsville. it's got me so anxious for so many reasons. i don't quite understand what is going on with my background check. there shouldn't be any problems with it. if i do get a formal offer for the job, there is so much to do. there is giving notice at this apartment (and dealing with breaking my lease). there is finding a new apartment (all the ones i'm calling are full with no upcoming rentals in june). there is deciding exactly where to live (the woodlands, conroe, huntsville). there is where to send alex to school and paying for it (found the perfect school, but concerned that they don't offer a lot of financial assistance). then there is packing, money for expenses, stress. i'll have to get trained for the new job. get organized. get ready to start with summer camp right around the corner.
* i don't know if i'm in the best writing program. there are people in my classes that are not working at the same level as me. i know some are working ahead of me (i am not well read and can't understand any of that theory shit), but so many seem clueless. they try to correct people on things they are wrong about. their writing is full of mistakes itself (not content, grammar). i just don't know if i am going to get anything out of this fiction class. i was really looking forward to it, and now i feel let down.
* i am starting to write stories dealing with sister relationships. guess i am starting to deal with my unresolved feelings over my own sister. that part is good. i feel like i'm getting some good work done. my sister has been gone 4 years. i'm tired of my mom speaking about my sister like there weren't any problems. now that she's gone, she didn't do any wrong. i'm stuck here, everything i do is wrong (even when i'm doing right). maybe it's normal for parents to do that when they lose a child. maybe i'm still too angry with her to let things go.
* i sent a text to some friends in late march/early april that said i wanted to do my birthday party on the afternoon of may 10th. i said in order to have a private painting party, i would need 10 total guests, so i was surveying them about the date. i got back a lot of positive response. yes, that's mother's day weekend, but people still said they could come. they said it wouldn't be a problem. i put down a deposit ($250) and sent out evites. now, with the party 2 weeks away, these same people are saying, it's mother's day (technically not until sunday, but ok). i'm being told, well, it's my boyfriend's birthday and he wants to take me out of town (but you knew about my birthday party first). i was told, that's the day of my company picnic, and since i'm the one planning it, i have to be there (but you knew you said you were coming to my party--why not say you can't plan the picnic for that day, OR that it's mother's day weekend, not a good weekend for a company picnic). i'm at 7 people right now and trying to think who else i can invite. some people still haven't responded (so rude!). i hope i don't have to cancel last minute because i don't have enough people.
* i have an eating disorder. don't laugh! i was so excited that i lost all that weight after being in the hospital with my heart. i felt good and looked good. i was happy to see myself skinny again. i wasn't perfect, but i was on my way there. then... well, i can't pinpoint the moment when i started gaining weight again. it was slow at first, but then obvious that i put back on all that weight. it came back quicker than it came off. i'm miserable when i weigh every morning. i'm miserable when i take off my clothes to get in the shower. i'm miserable when i look at the clothes in my closet that i can't wear. i want to lose weight, but i can't. some would say i don't want it bad enough. that if i did, then i would do everything i could to lose the weight. i eat for the wrong reasons. i know this. i eat when i'm upset. i eat to feel happy. i don't know how to fix this. it's a terrible feeling.
* i have decided i'm ok with being alone. well, i really decided that i'm tired of online dating and men being assholes. i just don't want to deal with it right now. maybe it's because so much is going on. maybe i've just finally come to terms with being alone is okay. it's like coming to terms with not having another baby. it took some time, but i am alright with it. i'm okay with being single. it took a long time to get here. it's kind of a peaceful feeling.
* my principal shocked the hell out of me yesterday. there has been a lot of tension (maybe i created it, but her lack of response to me hasn't helped). i assumed after several incidents that she did not want me back next year. that is why i have been looking for a job. i love the kids i work with, but if i'm not wanted there (or have no guarantee of a contract), then i may as well move on, right? well, yesterday she spoke to me (doesn't happen often). she asked if my son has gotten into a school yet. i told her no, i'm still trying to find him a place. she said, "you know you can bring him here next year if you want. it won't cost anything." wtf? that would mean she wants me to continue teaching there. i never expected this. i think i had to fight to keep my mouth from hanging open. so, i've been hunting for a job and a place for alex, for nothing? i tried to speak with her back in january about my future at the school and the fact that i had some personal things going on and would be taking a second job. she never responded to this request for a meeting. she ignored it. the time that she spoke to me that month was to tell me that there were things wrong with the high school newsletter and how i needed to fix it. (it's a joint effort--why was this all on me?). anyway, i'm all confused and conflicted now. there are so may things wrong with that school, but i love the kids and the teachers i work with. plus, it would be a small environment for alex to be in.
* i'm waiting to hear on this job in huntsville. it's got me so anxious for so many reasons. i don't quite understand what is going on with my background check. there shouldn't be any problems with it. if i do get a formal offer for the job, there is so much to do. there is giving notice at this apartment (and dealing with breaking my lease). there is finding a new apartment (all the ones i'm calling are full with no upcoming rentals in june). there is deciding exactly where to live (the woodlands, conroe, huntsville). there is where to send alex to school and paying for it (found the perfect school, but concerned that they don't offer a lot of financial assistance). then there is packing, money for expenses, stress. i'll have to get trained for the new job. get organized. get ready to start with summer camp right around the corner.
* i don't know if i'm in the best writing program. there are people in my classes that are not working at the same level as me. i know some are working ahead of me (i am not well read and can't understand any of that theory shit), but so many seem clueless. they try to correct people on things they are wrong about. their writing is full of mistakes itself (not content, grammar). i just don't know if i am going to get anything out of this fiction class. i was really looking forward to it, and now i feel let down.
* i am starting to write stories dealing with sister relationships. guess i am starting to deal with my unresolved feelings over my own sister. that part is good. i feel like i'm getting some good work done. my sister has been gone 4 years. i'm tired of my mom speaking about my sister like there weren't any problems. now that she's gone, she didn't do any wrong. i'm stuck here, everything i do is wrong (even when i'm doing right). maybe it's normal for parents to do that when they lose a child. maybe i'm still too angry with her to let things go.
Saturday, January 25, 2014
friends or lack thereof
i have been doing a lot of thinking about friends and why people come into our lives. i know i have posted about this before, but it really weighing on my heart again. i may skip around a lot because so many things are running through my mind right now.
i was under some sort of delusion that my college girlfriends, my "sisters", would be in my life forever. that we would never grow apart. i worked hard for a good many years to keep the group together. it wore me out! i'm so over it now! relationships (both romantic and friendly ones) do take work though. they take work from both sides. how do you know who is worth it? how do you know who to fight to keep in your life as they start to drift away? how do you know who your real friends are?
i found a quote the other day: People grow apart. Clinging to what was, instead of acknowledging that things have changed, can be a source of ongoing agitation and sadness.
this really put things into perspective for me. i asked above who do you fight for? you shouldn't have to fight for your friendships. you shouldn't have to beg and plead for someone to be your friend. you shouldn't feel like any less of a person because someone stops being your friend. this isn't high school!
i don't deal well with change, so this realization really shook up my world. some people have already slipped away from me. i need to let go and stop dwelling on things. but what about the people who have been in my life for nearly 20 years? i don't want them to ever drift away, but i don't want to fight to hold onto them either. is that wrong?
i feel like i'm not making much sense. i feel like i'm sounding selfish. i love my friends and would do anything for them. you go through a lot with a person in 20 years. that shouldn't be taken lightly or let go of easily. friendships have their ups and downs. how do you know the difference between growing apart and just a down time? how long do you wait? (these are not rhetorical questions--let me know if you have answers).
then there is the thing about new people coming into your life. i mentioned this great new friend, P, who came into my life. well he turned out to be not so great. it was a whirlwind friendship, lasting about 3 weeks. if you ask me, the whole thing was just fucked up. i'm partly to blame for that. i take responsibility, but he did come in with promises and charisma that reeled me in. he was so intense and had all these outlooks on life that sounded like just what i needed. i opened up to him. it was easy to do. he just has that way about him. i told him things i have never told anyone. things i won't even write down. at first when he said he was my friend and that he cared i thought he was full of shit. he'd known me not even 24 hours. but then, he reached out and helped me when i got myself into a mess. he came to my rescue. in doing that, i believed in his friendship and his words. i trusted him more. i took his advice. i wanted to make the changes i needed to my life and felt like i had my external motivation--my cheerleader there to do it. then he was gone. so, he was brought into my life to "save" me and disappear? wtf? i don't get it. none of it makes sense, and this hurts more than just about any break up i've been through. i know i'm not telling all the details. i know i'm leaving things out. it's just got me so confused and mixed up that i don't know about trusting people anymore.
maybe my expectations for him were just too high. i think i do this a lot, expect a lot from people. i often feel abandoned and let down because i expect people, family and friends, to be there. to live up to this image i have in my head. i know i'm far from perfect, but i try so hard to be a good friend. i try hard to be there for the people who need me when they need me. i make sacrifices. maybe i need to lower the bar. expect less and not be disappointed so much. maybe, just maybe, i should stop letting people in. i know that sounds absurd, but it would offer me protection.
i was under some sort of delusion that my college girlfriends, my "sisters", would be in my life forever. that we would never grow apart. i worked hard for a good many years to keep the group together. it wore me out! i'm so over it now! relationships (both romantic and friendly ones) do take work though. they take work from both sides. how do you know who is worth it? how do you know who to fight to keep in your life as they start to drift away? how do you know who your real friends are?
i found a quote the other day: People grow apart. Clinging to what was, instead of acknowledging that things have changed, can be a source of ongoing agitation and sadness.
this really put things into perspective for me. i asked above who do you fight for? you shouldn't have to fight for your friendships. you shouldn't have to beg and plead for someone to be your friend. you shouldn't feel like any less of a person because someone stops being your friend. this isn't high school!
i don't deal well with change, so this realization really shook up my world. some people have already slipped away from me. i need to let go and stop dwelling on things. but what about the people who have been in my life for nearly 20 years? i don't want them to ever drift away, but i don't want to fight to hold onto them either. is that wrong?
i feel like i'm not making much sense. i feel like i'm sounding selfish. i love my friends and would do anything for them. you go through a lot with a person in 20 years. that shouldn't be taken lightly or let go of easily. friendships have their ups and downs. how do you know the difference between growing apart and just a down time? how long do you wait? (these are not rhetorical questions--let me know if you have answers).
then there is the thing about new people coming into your life. i mentioned this great new friend, P, who came into my life. well he turned out to be not so great. it was a whirlwind friendship, lasting about 3 weeks. if you ask me, the whole thing was just fucked up. i'm partly to blame for that. i take responsibility, but he did come in with promises and charisma that reeled me in. he was so intense and had all these outlooks on life that sounded like just what i needed. i opened up to him. it was easy to do. he just has that way about him. i told him things i have never told anyone. things i won't even write down. at first when he said he was my friend and that he cared i thought he was full of shit. he'd known me not even 24 hours. but then, he reached out and helped me when i got myself into a mess. he came to my rescue. in doing that, i believed in his friendship and his words. i trusted him more. i took his advice. i wanted to make the changes i needed to my life and felt like i had my external motivation--my cheerleader there to do it. then he was gone. so, he was brought into my life to "save" me and disappear? wtf? i don't get it. none of it makes sense, and this hurts more than just about any break up i've been through. i know i'm not telling all the details. i know i'm leaving things out. it's just got me so confused and mixed up that i don't know about trusting people anymore.
maybe my expectations for him were just too high. i think i do this a lot, expect a lot from people. i often feel abandoned and let down because i expect people, family and friends, to be there. to live up to this image i have in my head. i know i'm far from perfect, but i try so hard to be a good friend. i try hard to be there for the people who need me when they need me. i make sacrifices. maybe i need to lower the bar. expect less and not be disappointed so much. maybe, just maybe, i should stop letting people in. i know that sounds absurd, but it would offer me protection.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
goodbye 2013, hello 2014
i had started a post about things i won't miss in 2013. i was only able to think of 4 things, which i know can't be right. not to sound so negative, but i know that more shitty things than just 4 happened in 2013. so, i'm going to try a different approach. well kinda...
january 2013: i was still living with my parents. i was working at that horrible day care that was making me physically ill. i tried to start off the year on a positive note with resolutions and notebooks, etc, but it didn't change that life at the time sucked. also, my grandpa passed away. i miss him greatly, but the man lived a wonderful life and touched many people. he is missed by all, but i'm glad he's not suffering anymore.
february 2013: i was supposed to go see NJ. parents got mad that i would take a trip when i couldn't afford to live on my own. i didn't go to please them, but this made living there worse. on a good note, i got the job at camperoo and it saved me from that hell of a job. it put me in an office working. i miss that job and the people i worked with. i learned a lot and felt quite successful! i also started working with my writing coach. she has helped me grow so much as a writer and i really look up to her. i think with her help and my persistence, i can finish this collection.
march 2013: rodeo time! i also got to travel to SF and chicago for work (two places i had never been). i got a new tattoo in SF.
april 2013: nothing stands out (it's 5:45 AM, easy to forget something)
may 2013: pretty uneventful 37th birthday celebration--did have dinner with a good friend, but no big party or anything. things finally came together for me that we would be able to move out of my parents's house. i worked hard to get approved for an apartment. i made some super cute moving announcements and packed up my boxes and went through things at storage.
june 2013: moving day arrived! this had to be the best day of my life! :) i have never had so much energy as i did in the first week living here. i unpacked and got everything taken care of. i was (and still am) excited to have a place of our own. J and i got back together (which at the time was happy---it's only sad now because we're not together anymore). i started my writing group (which is still going). i also started my first term of grad school online, which just about kicked my ass. i ended up with an A- and i'm thankful for that.
july 2013: nothing stands out (too early, remember?)
august 2013: growing a bit restless, i applied for a high school english teaching position. never thought i would get it, but i did. i started one week before school did and worked my ass off to get everything ready. i have to say i love my students. i enjoy teaching them. there are still things about teaching i don't like (paperwork, politics, etc), but i am sure that would be found with any job. at the end of the month, i purchased a new car because mine was giving me all sorts of trouble. i put over $1K in it in a week. i couldn't keep doing that. that's almost 3 car payments.
september 2013: alex, now a 5th grader!, celebrated his 11th birthday. i was able to give him a party this year. it was a bowling party. there were like 20 kids there. it was crazy, but to see alex SO happy made everything worth it.
october 2013: i dressed up as a butterfly for halloween and enjoyed a cool party at the science museum with a good friend. my class, literary theory, was kicking my ass more than the first class. depression started to get bad. i wasn't really sure why, but i just wanted to lay in bed at night and do nothing. this set up a bad situation for me.
november 2013: J broke up with me--not because of me (i'm wonderful) but because he wasn't feeling "it" anymore. well that "new relationship high" does wear off. it's hard to keep that forever. but, whatever. i'm better now (i really am). my depression did dip to an all time low (just about as low as anyone can get). i decided a weekend away would be good for me---i went to new jersey. i also started back with online dating, which is a pain in the ass all by itself. i'm trying to take a new attitude and make it fun, but it's still frustrating getting asked by young guys (19-24) to have sex (rather bluntly).
december 2013: i started going to therapy again. it helped some. i am no longer as depressed as i was. in fact, i'm finding some energy over christmas break and hope i can keep it up once i go back to work next week. i signed up for affordable care (health insurance) and am quite pleased with the benefits i will be receiving. i made a new friend (P). he's great and i think i can learn a lot from him (about relationships and life in general). i've also met several guys online that are worthy of talking to. so, maybe there is a chance for love in 2014 (on some level--whatever that will mean for me).
looking ahead to 2014:
* new friendships (romantic and platonic)
* hanging out with old friends
* 20 year high school reunion (don't know if i'll go, but 20 years?-wow!)
* getting alex off to middle school
* continuing to better myself
* being successful in school (my online classes--i'm retaking last term's class since depression got in the way. this term--NOTHING will get in the way.
* continuing to teach my students and form relationships with them--watching them succeed
* managing my money better--finally getting out of debt and saving something
really, the possibilities are endless. there is so much that can happen in the next 6 months, it's crazy to think about. i'm going into this year with a positive attitude and the hope for great things.
january 2013: i was still living with my parents. i was working at that horrible day care that was making me physically ill. i tried to start off the year on a positive note with resolutions and notebooks, etc, but it didn't change that life at the time sucked. also, my grandpa passed away. i miss him greatly, but the man lived a wonderful life and touched many people. he is missed by all, but i'm glad he's not suffering anymore.
february 2013: i was supposed to go see NJ. parents got mad that i would take a trip when i couldn't afford to live on my own. i didn't go to please them, but this made living there worse. on a good note, i got the job at camperoo and it saved me from that hell of a job. it put me in an office working. i miss that job and the people i worked with. i learned a lot and felt quite successful! i also started working with my writing coach. she has helped me grow so much as a writer and i really look up to her. i think with her help and my persistence, i can finish this collection.
march 2013: rodeo time! i also got to travel to SF and chicago for work (two places i had never been). i got a new tattoo in SF.
april 2013: nothing stands out (it's 5:45 AM, easy to forget something)
may 2013: pretty uneventful 37th birthday celebration--did have dinner with a good friend, but no big party or anything. things finally came together for me that we would be able to move out of my parents's house. i worked hard to get approved for an apartment. i made some super cute moving announcements and packed up my boxes and went through things at storage.
june 2013: moving day arrived! this had to be the best day of my life! :) i have never had so much energy as i did in the first week living here. i unpacked and got everything taken care of. i was (and still am) excited to have a place of our own. J and i got back together (which at the time was happy---it's only sad now because we're not together anymore). i started my writing group (which is still going). i also started my first term of grad school online, which just about kicked my ass. i ended up with an A- and i'm thankful for that.
july 2013: nothing stands out (too early, remember?)
august 2013: growing a bit restless, i applied for a high school english teaching position. never thought i would get it, but i did. i started one week before school did and worked my ass off to get everything ready. i have to say i love my students. i enjoy teaching them. there are still things about teaching i don't like (paperwork, politics, etc), but i am sure that would be found with any job. at the end of the month, i purchased a new car because mine was giving me all sorts of trouble. i put over $1K in it in a week. i couldn't keep doing that. that's almost 3 car payments.
september 2013: alex, now a 5th grader!, celebrated his 11th birthday. i was able to give him a party this year. it was a bowling party. there were like 20 kids there. it was crazy, but to see alex SO happy made everything worth it.
october 2013: i dressed up as a butterfly for halloween and enjoyed a cool party at the science museum with a good friend. my class, literary theory, was kicking my ass more than the first class. depression started to get bad. i wasn't really sure why, but i just wanted to lay in bed at night and do nothing. this set up a bad situation for me.
november 2013: J broke up with me--not because of me (i'm wonderful) but because he wasn't feeling "it" anymore. well that "new relationship high" does wear off. it's hard to keep that forever. but, whatever. i'm better now (i really am). my depression did dip to an all time low (just about as low as anyone can get). i decided a weekend away would be good for me---i went to new jersey. i also started back with online dating, which is a pain in the ass all by itself. i'm trying to take a new attitude and make it fun, but it's still frustrating getting asked by young guys (19-24) to have sex (rather bluntly).
december 2013: i started going to therapy again. it helped some. i am no longer as depressed as i was. in fact, i'm finding some energy over christmas break and hope i can keep it up once i go back to work next week. i signed up for affordable care (health insurance) and am quite pleased with the benefits i will be receiving. i made a new friend (P). he's great and i think i can learn a lot from him (about relationships and life in general). i've also met several guys online that are worthy of talking to. so, maybe there is a chance for love in 2014 (on some level--whatever that will mean for me).
looking ahead to 2014:
* new friendships (romantic and platonic)
* hanging out with old friends
* 20 year high school reunion (don't know if i'll go, but 20 years?-wow!)
* getting alex off to middle school
* continuing to better myself
* being successful in school (my online classes--i'm retaking last term's class since depression got in the way. this term--NOTHING will get in the way.
* continuing to teach my students and form relationships with them--watching them succeed
* managing my money better--finally getting out of debt and saving something
really, the possibilities are endless. there is so much that can happen in the next 6 months, it's crazy to think about. i'm going into this year with a positive attitude and the hope for great things.
(next post--my resolutions)
Thursday, May 30, 2013
just because... ...i'm starting over!
i am beyond excited! like super elated to the point where i want to just get up and start randomly dancing around a room.
why?
because alex and i got an apartment! yes--we are moving out of the crazy house! i will be so excited to be on our own again and to be away from all the negativity.
alex told me yesterday that it ("it" beinig yesterday--wednesday, may 29, 2013) was the best day of the year so far. poor kid! he is so relieved to be moving away from my parents. that's sad. it shouldn't be that way. but since it is, i'm glad to be able to get him away from there. i've seen a change in him, and i don't like it.
we move NEXT WEEK! so much to do, but i'm so excited that i'm ready to do it. the good thing is, things are already packed up in my storage unit. i have decided what is going and what i am going to sell. i have also decided what i need to go through to decide what stays and what goes. it's time to get a fresh start!
i
Monday, May 13, 2013
adoption
anyone looking to adopt? there is a sweet, 37 year old, only slightly sassy woman who needs a new home and a new mom. please help!
seriously...
i've had lots of blog post ideas running around in my head, but i'm once again dealing with stupid bullshit at home. i'm tired of my life being dictated by my mom. i have to get out of here. i really need to go far away. i'm tired of my life being fucked up by my mom.
people tell me to stand up to her, but that isn't possible when i have no where to go. i have to live here right now. i don't have a choice today. maybe a month from now that will be different.
anyway, hopefully i'll feel like returning to regular blogging soon. this post is just to check in and let everyone know i'm alive.
seriously...
i've had lots of blog post ideas running around in my head, but i'm once again dealing with stupid bullshit at home. i'm tired of my life being dictated by my mom. i have to get out of here. i really need to go far away. i'm tired of my life being fucked up by my mom.
people tell me to stand up to her, but that isn't possible when i have no where to go. i have to live here right now. i don't have a choice today. maybe a month from now that will be different.
anyway, hopefully i'll feel like returning to regular blogging soon. this post is just to check in and let everyone know i'm alive.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
memories
i went to dinner with a friend last friday. we sat for hours and talked and talked about everything. it was wonderful! one of the things we talked about were her kids. she has a child who is almost 4 and very smart. she was telling me how her daughter remembers things from when she was 18 months old. i think that is pretty amazing. then i thought about alex. he recalls things from age 2-3. he'll remember places we lived and things we did.
then i thought about me...
i have very few memories before the 4th grade. i remember bits and pieces before this time, but i think it's mostly from stories that have been told over and over and photos i have seen.
i consider my memory to be pretty good. i'll remember things from high school and college that others don't remember. i remember small details. i remember dates. i remember conversations. why can't i remember the first 8 years of my life?
now i know, i told a friend on tuesday night that i was going to stop asking "why" so i didn't over analyze and dwell on things. but i think part of my changes in my thinking will come from asking why and then answering with it really doesn't matter. i know that things were rough growing up. life was far than perfect. i think it's important to look at where i am now and be thankful that i over came all the stuff i blocked out.
but what was so bad that my brain has blocked it out? i remember other bad stuff that has happened. i remember being raped in 1995. i remember everything brett said to me when he was breaking up with me and i was trying to decide what to do about the baby. i remember all the terrible things M accussed me of when we broke up with me. what happened in my first 8 years of life that is worse than anything of that?
as i ask that, i really don't want to know. my brain has blocked it out for a reason. but when people talk about something they did in kindergarten or their second grade teacher i can't relate. i don't remember. i can tell you about this strict teacher i had in 4th grade that everyone hated, but i liked. she liked me. i was a "teacher's pet."
sometimes the past is better left in the past. it's not important to know what happened. like i said above, i over came it. i'm here and striving every day to be a person. i went down the opposite path of my mom. i've made different choices and although i'm going through a rough patch, it is no where near as bad as what she put us through.
then i thought about me...
i have very few memories before the 4th grade. i remember bits and pieces before this time, but i think it's mostly from stories that have been told over and over and photos i have seen.
i consider my memory to be pretty good. i'll remember things from high school and college that others don't remember. i remember small details. i remember dates. i remember conversations. why can't i remember the first 8 years of my life?
now i know, i told a friend on tuesday night that i was going to stop asking "why" so i didn't over analyze and dwell on things. but i think part of my changes in my thinking will come from asking why and then answering with it really doesn't matter. i know that things were rough growing up. life was far than perfect. i think it's important to look at where i am now and be thankful that i over came all the stuff i blocked out.
but what was so bad that my brain has blocked it out? i remember other bad stuff that has happened. i remember being raped in 1995. i remember everything brett said to me when he was breaking up with me and i was trying to decide what to do about the baby. i remember all the terrible things M accussed me of when we broke up with me. what happened in my first 8 years of life that is worse than anything of that?
as i ask that, i really don't want to know. my brain has blocked it out for a reason. but when people talk about something they did in kindergarten or their second grade teacher i can't relate. i don't remember. i can tell you about this strict teacher i had in 4th grade that everyone hated, but i liked. she liked me. i was a "teacher's pet."
sometimes the past is better left in the past. it's not important to know what happened. like i said above, i over came it. i'm here and striving every day to be a person. i went down the opposite path of my mom. i've made different choices and although i'm going through a rough patch, it is no where near as bad as what she put us through.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
i'm SO serious!
i've had a lot of stuff on my mind lately. a lot has been going on in the world. a lot has been going on at work. a lot has been going on with me.
i started thinking this week that people don't take me seriously. i'd like to know why that is.
one example: my family. i tell them about dreams i have. things i want to do with my life. how i want to write and get published. how i want to travel different places and do different things. they act like i'm in a dream world. that i could never actually do or accomplish the things i talk about. i know they're a bad example. they're negative about everything and usually don't support me in anything i want to do. but, they don't take me seriously.
example two: guys. i had a lunch date with a guy from online today. he was nice. the conversation wasn't forced. he was cute. i had a nice time. he emails me and says he wants to see me again. i go ahead and tell him, mostly because he made an innuendo laced comment before lunch, that i don't want to have sex any time soon. that i want to go slow and get to know someone before i sleep with them. he says he understands and respects that, and then proceeds to make sexual comments all afternoon because he was so attracted to me. he didn't take me seriously.
#3: this asshole at work. he thinks that he is the only one in the office capable of closing deals (i realize, i still need to explain what i do). he makes comments all the time about how he does all the work. he starts fights with people. he yells. he cusses. he's a smart ass. anyway, long story short, him and i got into the other day. he doesn't think i'm good at my job. he thinks i'm weak. i've been there 3 months and rocked out at my job. he keeps fucking everything up (that's why we got into this week--he doesn't believe in putting notes in the spreadsheets). anyway, he doesn't think i'm serious about my job or i guess life in general.
so, what's going on here? why don't people take me serious? i know i don't always follow through with things. i'm trying to make changes. i'm trying to improve. i realize i need to take myself seriously so other people will believe in me and take me seriously. that's why i'm making improvements.
i don't want to be known as a loser, a flake, or that girl who talked about things and never did them. i look back on my life. i've done a lot of things i've wanted to. neither of my parents went past high school, i have a masters degree. i set out to be a teacher, and i was a good one for a long time. part of me knows i can do anything i set my mind to, but most of me has a hard time believing in myself anymore. i lost my confidence somewhere and my support system isn't strong. it's hard to pick yourself up when you feel like you're being pushed down. (i don't mean to sound like i'm having a pity party)
i want to do things. i want to get my dream job. i want to finish my short story collection. i want to move away and start in a fresh place. i want to finally find myself and be ok with who that person is.
how do i get where i want to be? how do i get people to take me serious?
most of all, how do i move past these feelings that come from the people who don't take me serious? i shouldn't care what they think. i shouldn't doubt myself this much.
i started thinking this week that people don't take me seriously. i'd like to know why that is.
one example: my family. i tell them about dreams i have. things i want to do with my life. how i want to write and get published. how i want to travel different places and do different things. they act like i'm in a dream world. that i could never actually do or accomplish the things i talk about. i know they're a bad example. they're negative about everything and usually don't support me in anything i want to do. but, they don't take me seriously.
example two: guys. i had a lunch date with a guy from online today. he was nice. the conversation wasn't forced. he was cute. i had a nice time. he emails me and says he wants to see me again. i go ahead and tell him, mostly because he made an innuendo laced comment before lunch, that i don't want to have sex any time soon. that i want to go slow and get to know someone before i sleep with them. he says he understands and respects that, and then proceeds to make sexual comments all afternoon because he was so attracted to me. he didn't take me seriously.
#3: this asshole at work. he thinks that he is the only one in the office capable of closing deals (i realize, i still need to explain what i do). he makes comments all the time about how he does all the work. he starts fights with people. he yells. he cusses. he's a smart ass. anyway, long story short, him and i got into the other day. he doesn't think i'm good at my job. he thinks i'm weak. i've been there 3 months and rocked out at my job. he keeps fucking everything up (that's why we got into this week--he doesn't believe in putting notes in the spreadsheets). anyway, he doesn't think i'm serious about my job or i guess life in general.
so, what's going on here? why don't people take me serious? i know i don't always follow through with things. i'm trying to make changes. i'm trying to improve. i realize i need to take myself seriously so other people will believe in me and take me seriously. that's why i'm making improvements.
i don't want to be known as a loser, a flake, or that girl who talked about things and never did them. i look back on my life. i've done a lot of things i've wanted to. neither of my parents went past high school, i have a masters degree. i set out to be a teacher, and i was a good one for a long time. part of me knows i can do anything i set my mind to, but most of me has a hard time believing in myself anymore. i lost my confidence somewhere and my support system isn't strong. it's hard to pick yourself up when you feel like you're being pushed down. (i don't mean to sound like i'm having a pity party)
i want to do things. i want to get my dream job. i want to finish my short story collection. i want to move away and start in a fresh place. i want to finally find myself and be ok with who that person is.
how do i get where i want to be? how do i get people to take me serious?
most of all, how do i move past these feelings that come from the people who don't take me serious? i shouldn't care what they think. i shouldn't doubt myself this much.
Monday, April 22, 2013
what's love got to do with it?
i'm going to try to keep this short...
my mom once said to me that you don't need to love someone to be with them as long as they will take care of you. that's pretty fucked up! if you're going to be married to someone for a long time, say maybe, forever, shouldn't there be love?
this year my parents (mom & step dad) will be married for 32 years. this may sound amazing to some people, but it really isn't. they haven't shared a room for over 20 years. they don't watch TV together unless it's at the dinner table. all they do is yell and scream at each other.
i know why she stays--he takes care of her. he does basically whatever she wants. why does he stay? i think he loves her. but, it is definitely not a two way street with those two.
so i was thinking on saturday night, i'm looking for fireworks and that flutter in my stomach. i'll go out with a nice guy (had two dates with a government professor), but i don't get "that" feeling. i had fun on the dates. we had a lot to talk about. but i don't "feel" it. he seems really into me. wants to see me every weekend. even mentioned taking a vacation. i had to slow things down. that was too much for me. but it's because i don't get that dizzy feeling when i think about him. there are no butterflies or fireworks.
if i find a nice guy, who likes me and will take care of me, should i settle for not having "that feeling" so i'll have someone to take care of me and grow old with? (that's not retorical--i'm really asking).
my mom once said to me that you don't need to love someone to be with them as long as they will take care of you. that's pretty fucked up! if you're going to be married to someone for a long time, say maybe, forever, shouldn't there be love?
this year my parents (mom & step dad) will be married for 32 years. this may sound amazing to some people, but it really isn't. they haven't shared a room for over 20 years. they don't watch TV together unless it's at the dinner table. all they do is yell and scream at each other.
i know why she stays--he takes care of her. he does basically whatever she wants. why does he stay? i think he loves her. but, it is definitely not a two way street with those two.
so i was thinking on saturday night, i'm looking for fireworks and that flutter in my stomach. i'll go out with a nice guy (had two dates with a government professor), but i don't get "that" feeling. i had fun on the dates. we had a lot to talk about. but i don't "feel" it. he seems really into me. wants to see me every weekend. even mentioned taking a vacation. i had to slow things down. that was too much for me. but it's because i don't get that dizzy feeling when i think about him. there are no butterflies or fireworks.
if i find a nice guy, who likes me and will take care of me, should i settle for not having "that feeling" so i'll have someone to take care of me and grow old with? (that's not retorical--i'm really asking).
Thursday, April 18, 2013
POP link up--help!
linking up with ashley at horseshoes and pearls "the pop". if you know me IRL, you know i'm not religious. i am still trying to figure out what i believe. but i figure, with everything that has happened this week, it wouldn't be a bad thing to share what's on my mind and ask for prayers and guidance. at the same time, maybe someone has written something, and i can help them. i can keep them in my thoughts. offer my advice.
anyway... this morning i wrote about 3 things that have shocked me in the last week. one of them was my mom. she got upset that i didn't want to go out and do something social (that she had selected for me) and wanted to stay home with alex and a friend of his.
today, at no real shock to me, she started ranting about how i'm not thinking of alex and wanting to know how i could do this to the parents of alex's friend after they have been so nice to alex. she said i need to think and do the right thing.
let's review...
after hanging up with the mother of the friend on tuesday, i thought that it would be better for alex if the friend came over. that's why i went to my mom to see if that was ok (since it is her house and all). i went to do the right thing. i didn't call the mother back becasue my mom got mad about me not going somewhere she wanted me to go. since i have to live with my mom and already told her i would go, i opted to keep the peace and follow through on what i said i was going to do.
i can't win with her. tuesday it was wrong to have the friend over and stay home with my son. thursday it is wrong to not have the friend over and help out the parents who have been good to alex.
i don't get it. why can't she just keep her opinions to herself? why can't she stop trying to control everything?
since i can only control me, how do i handle all this? what do i do?
say what?
i've come to learn not to let people surprise me. they're crazy. things happen that make no sense everyday. why should i be shocked? here are some recent things that made me say, wtf?
1. my mom! she should never surprise me. every time she opens her mouth something crazy comes out. here's tuesday night's interaction:
my mom told me recently that i need to spend more time with alex, get him more play dates, and stop worrying about myself and dating.
tonight, a mom of a friend of his calls to ask if her son can stay over saturday so her and her husband can go out. i tell her i have plans. that i told my mom i would go to a social mixer. then i think about it. maybe i should stay home and watch her son and spend time with alex. i ask my mom. when i tell her it's on saturday and i'll stay here instead of going to the mixer, she gets mad and walks away. she shouts over her shoulder, "you never intended to go anyway!"
not true! i totally planned on going. i just thought it would be better to help out alex's friend's mom, get alex a play date, and spend time at home.
i can't freakin' win!
2. my dad! he's usually the more level-headed of my two parents. he totally insulted me on saturday morning. i'm still not over it. here is how that went down:
I told my dad that I am teaching a creative writing class at an academic summer camp. he asked what I know about teaching writing (and his tone was very skeptical that i knew what i was doing). wtf was that? what did I do for 10 years?
3. a high school in georgia! yeah, that seems random. i read about it on CNN. this school is having their first integrated prom this year. that's right, it's 2013, and they have still had a white prom and a black prom every year prior to this one. the high school says that the proms are private events sponsored by parents. the school has nothing to do with them. having two proms is just a tradition that has always been followed. umm... it's the 21st century. schools were integrated in the 1960s. the students attend classes together. play sports together. but can't have a school dance together? why didn't the school step in, say in the 1970s (sooner would have been better) and start sponsoring the prom like so many other schools in the country? the students are the ones who planned this prom, and believe it or not, they haven't had 100% support. some people won't go because it's integrated. fucked up i tell you...
1. my mom! she should never surprise me. every time she opens her mouth something crazy comes out. here's tuesday night's interaction:
my mom told me recently that i need to spend more time with alex, get him more play dates, and stop worrying about myself and dating.
tonight, a mom of a friend of his calls to ask if her son can stay over saturday so her and her husband can go out. i tell her i have plans. that i told my mom i would go to a social mixer. then i think about it. maybe i should stay home and watch her son and spend time with alex. i ask my mom. when i tell her it's on saturday and i'll stay here instead of going to the mixer, she gets mad and walks away. she shouts over her shoulder, "you never intended to go anyway!"
not true! i totally planned on going. i just thought it would be better to help out alex's friend's mom, get alex a play date, and spend time at home.
i can't freakin' win!
2. my dad! he's usually the more level-headed of my two parents. he totally insulted me on saturday morning. i'm still not over it. here is how that went down:
I told my dad that I am teaching a creative writing class at an academic summer camp. he asked what I know about teaching writing (and his tone was very skeptical that i knew what i was doing). wtf was that? what did I do for 10 years?
3. a high school in georgia! yeah, that seems random. i read about it on CNN. this school is having their first integrated prom this year. that's right, it's 2013, and they have still had a white prom and a black prom every year prior to this one. the high school says that the proms are private events sponsored by parents. the school has nothing to do with them. having two proms is just a tradition that has always been followed. umm... it's the 21st century. schools were integrated in the 1960s. the students attend classes together. play sports together. but can't have a school dance together? why didn't the school step in, say in the 1970s (sooner would have been better) and start sponsoring the prom like so many other schools in the country? the students are the ones who planned this prom, and believe it or not, they haven't had 100% support. some people won't go because it's integrated. fucked up i tell you...
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
when you see the big picture
events like the bombings at the boston marathon make you put your life in perspective. i had all this stuff on my mind over the weekend that i was worried about. when i say worry, i mean sick with worry. i wanted to find answers. i was sad and unhappy with things in my life. monday's events showed me that my problems aren't as big as i was making them. sure they are important to me. i do want to resolve them. but they are not high priority. they aren't the most important things going on in the world. other people have bigger problems. it is so important to see outside myself and recognize those around me that are suffering and need help. i need to work on me, but i need to see the big picture.
realizing this made me think about 9/11. i didn't have a blog then. i didn't even know what a blog was. something insignificant that happened at work that morning before the first plane hit was turned into something bigger when the big picture should have been put into focus.
i had a disagreement with another teacher in the workroom that morning. she had been annoying me, and i kinda snapped. i do that sometimes. keep things inside and quiet then get pushed too far and snap. i don't remember what i said. i'm sure my tone was not very nice. she was known as a real bitch anyway. not many people got along with her. but the administration liked to keep her happy.
i remember the phone call that told me to turn on the news because a plane had hit the tower. i wouldn't turn on the tv because second graders shouldn't be exposed. i couldn't get anything online. pages wouldn't load. i remember the next phone call that said another plane hit. i remember asking the librarian if she could look up information since she didn't have kids in there. i remember another phone call saying the planes were full-sized, not small planes like they first thought.
most of all from that day, i remember sitting in the conference room where our principal had hooked up a tv. i was in there while my kids were at their ancillary classes watching what was unfolding. i saw one of the towers fall. i saw a view from a tv camera that was never shown again, but the island of manhattan disappeared in a cloud of smoke and the statue of liberty stood proudly holding her torch.
it was an emotionally exhausting day. parents panicked and picked up their kids early from school. i only had two kids left when it was time for 2:30 dismissal. the kids wanted to know what was going on. i couldn't tell them. it wasn't my place. i was there to protect them. that also meant i had to hide my emotions and keep them to myself. i had to act like everything was ok when it wasn't. i wanted to go home too. i wanted to be with family. i wanted to know i was safe.
anyway, i had forgotten all about the argument in the teacher's workroom. well, until my principal called me into her office and the other teacher was there. she wanted to talk to us about what happened and mediate a conversation between us so we could get along. wtf?
our country had just been attacked by terrorists! four planes had crashed! thousands of people had died! she wanted to discuss an argument that wasn't even that important after all was said and done?
i was pissed about this. i just wanted to leave. i was in shock over the events that i saw unfold. i talked to the teacher. i made peace. anything to get out of there. i couldn't believe that the teacher and my principal thought this was still important. everything we knew as americans had just been thrown into question.
i am not perfect. i should not have snapped at my coworker, even if she was annoying. the issue needed to be resolved. it just wasn't important anymore. there were other things to worry about. that's how i feel now. i need to worry about immediate things. i need to take care of some things i've been putting off and not obsess so much about my future. things will fall into place. i'l be ok.
realizing this made me think about 9/11. i didn't have a blog then. i didn't even know what a blog was. something insignificant that happened at work that morning before the first plane hit was turned into something bigger when the big picture should have been put into focus.
i had a disagreement with another teacher in the workroom that morning. she had been annoying me, and i kinda snapped. i do that sometimes. keep things inside and quiet then get pushed too far and snap. i don't remember what i said. i'm sure my tone was not very nice. she was known as a real bitch anyway. not many people got along with her. but the administration liked to keep her happy.
i remember the phone call that told me to turn on the news because a plane had hit the tower. i wouldn't turn on the tv because second graders shouldn't be exposed. i couldn't get anything online. pages wouldn't load. i remember the next phone call that said another plane hit. i remember asking the librarian if she could look up information since she didn't have kids in there. i remember another phone call saying the planes were full-sized, not small planes like they first thought.
most of all from that day, i remember sitting in the conference room where our principal had hooked up a tv. i was in there while my kids were at their ancillary classes watching what was unfolding. i saw one of the towers fall. i saw a view from a tv camera that was never shown again, but the island of manhattan disappeared in a cloud of smoke and the statue of liberty stood proudly holding her torch.
it was an emotionally exhausting day. parents panicked and picked up their kids early from school. i only had two kids left when it was time for 2:30 dismissal. the kids wanted to know what was going on. i couldn't tell them. it wasn't my place. i was there to protect them. that also meant i had to hide my emotions and keep them to myself. i had to act like everything was ok when it wasn't. i wanted to go home too. i wanted to be with family. i wanted to know i was safe.
anyway, i had forgotten all about the argument in the teacher's workroom. well, until my principal called me into her office and the other teacher was there. she wanted to talk to us about what happened and mediate a conversation between us so we could get along. wtf?
our country had just been attacked by terrorists! four planes had crashed! thousands of people had died! she wanted to discuss an argument that wasn't even that important after all was said and done?
i was pissed about this. i just wanted to leave. i was in shock over the events that i saw unfold. i talked to the teacher. i made peace. anything to get out of there. i couldn't believe that the teacher and my principal thought this was still important. everything we knew as americans had just been thrown into question.
i am not perfect. i should not have snapped at my coworker, even if she was annoying. the issue needed to be resolved. it just wasn't important anymore. there were other things to worry about. that's how i feel now. i need to worry about immediate things. i need to take care of some things i've been putting off and not obsess so much about my future. things will fall into place. i'l be ok.
Monday, April 8, 2013
in memory...
three years ago today my sister passed away. for those of you who don't know the story, she died of a drug overdose. she was 28. she took 65 vicodin (not all at one time--she was not trying to kill herself). taking that many pills in a short time (over 3 days) caused her body to shut down.
when i found out that she was in ICU it was a surprise, but it wasn't. she had a drug problem. we all knew it. but, at the same time, it was a shock. i always knew it was a possibility, that she could overdose, but i didn't think it would actually happen.
when she died i was worried about my parents and alex. i did everything i could to take care of all of them. i didn't actually take time to grieve myself. in fact, i spent the first year in denial. at the year anniversary when she got her headstone is when it hit me that she was actually gone. that she wasn't coming back. i had kinda convinced myself that she was just in rehab or something.
now it's been three years. a part of me still thinks she not really gone. it's just hard to believe it happened. it goes back to what i wrote saturday night about everything happening for a reason and wanting to know the reason that she was taken from this world so young. it goes back to me wondering why g-d would do that to us (the family). why would He take her away instead of helping her? a part of me thinks that maybe it was the only way for her to find peace after struggling for so many years.
it's been difficult for me because when i think about her or when she shows up in my dreams it's always the bad stuff that is being remembered. the fights and tantrums. her being out of control. i want to remember the good times.
when we were younger (i was probably in elementary school--5th grade or so), we would put on matching night shirts and sing for my parents. we would play barbies together. we liked to dress up and put on plays and sing. we would play house and school together.
but you see, all my memories are from when we were kids. i went to college when she was in junior high. that was when all her problems started. i wasn't there for all the drama. i would get told by my mom all the problems that were going on. i would pull up to the front of my house to see a police car or witness the fits when i was home. that's what i remember.
don't get me wrong, there were some good times over the years. she adored alex. she wasn't allowed to be alone with him, but she would play with him and he loved his aunt. he didn't see her problems. all his memories of her are innocent.
i hear people talk about their sisters and hanging out and everything. i remember what my mom used to tell us, "you two need to get along because when i'm gone you'll only have each other." i miss my sister. i wish she was here now. maybe things would be better.
when i found out that she was in ICU it was a surprise, but it wasn't. she had a drug problem. we all knew it. but, at the same time, it was a shock. i always knew it was a possibility, that she could overdose, but i didn't think it would actually happen.
when she died i was worried about my parents and alex. i did everything i could to take care of all of them. i didn't actually take time to grieve myself. in fact, i spent the first year in denial. at the year anniversary when she got her headstone is when it hit me that she was actually gone. that she wasn't coming back. i had kinda convinced myself that she was just in rehab or something.
now it's been three years. a part of me still thinks she not really gone. it's just hard to believe it happened. it goes back to what i wrote saturday night about everything happening for a reason and wanting to know the reason that she was taken from this world so young. it goes back to me wondering why g-d would do that to us (the family). why would He take her away instead of helping her? a part of me thinks that maybe it was the only way for her to find peace after struggling for so many years.
it's been difficult for me because when i think about her or when she shows up in my dreams it's always the bad stuff that is being remembered. the fights and tantrums. her being out of control. i want to remember the good times.
when we were younger (i was probably in elementary school--5th grade or so), we would put on matching night shirts and sing for my parents. we would play barbies together. we liked to dress up and put on plays and sing. we would play house and school together.
but you see, all my memories are from when we were kids. i went to college when she was in junior high. that was when all her problems started. i wasn't there for all the drama. i would get told by my mom all the problems that were going on. i would pull up to the front of my house to see a police car or witness the fits when i was home. that's what i remember.
don't get me wrong, there were some good times over the years. she adored alex. she wasn't allowed to be alone with him, but she would play with him and he loved his aunt. he didn't see her problems. all his memories of her are innocent.
i hear people talk about their sisters and hanging out and everything. i remember what my mom used to tell us, "you two need to get along because when i'm gone you'll only have each other." i miss my sister. i wish she was here now. maybe things would be better.
rest in peace jennifer
may your memory be a blessing
february 11, 1982-april 8, 2010
Thursday, April 4, 2013
on my mind...
i'm thinking about some things this morning. maybe if i share them here, they won't weigh so heavily on my heart.
* why do people cheat? sometimes the marriage is good. they have a family. a spouse that loves them. why do they ruin that?
* why do people keep having babies when they can't afford the children they have?
* how can someone say they are taking a "family vacation" and want to leave a member of the family behind?
* how can someone have a child and not want to know him? by know i mean understand where the child is coming from? sure, he may be different than other kids, but he's special in his own way.
* what would a war with north korea mean for the rest of us? war scares me.
* how do you explain the holocaust to a 10 year old who comes home with questions? it's important for him to know what happened, not to forget all those that died, and make sure it never happens again. but isn't he too young to know all the horrors? it's a difficult subject to simplify. mostly because it's not simple.
* how do we shield and protect our children from the evils of the world and educate them at the same time? i think children should hold on to their innocence as long as they can. but in times of people walking into movie theaters and schools and shooting everyone in sight, children need to know how to survive.
* why do people cheat? sometimes the marriage is good. they have a family. a spouse that loves them. why do they ruin that?
* why do people keep having babies when they can't afford the children they have?
* how can someone say they are taking a "family vacation" and want to leave a member of the family behind?
* how can someone have a child and not want to know him? by know i mean understand where the child is coming from? sure, he may be different than other kids, but he's special in his own way.
* what would a war with north korea mean for the rest of us? war scares me.
* how do you explain the holocaust to a 10 year old who comes home with questions? it's important for him to know what happened, not to forget all those that died, and make sure it never happens again. but isn't he too young to know all the horrors? it's a difficult subject to simplify. mostly because it's not simple.
* how do we shield and protect our children from the evils of the world and educate them at the same time? i think children should hold on to their innocence as long as they can. but in times of people walking into movie theaters and schools and shooting everyone in sight, children need to know how to survive.
if you have any answers, please share. what's on your mind today?
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
what if... wednesday (round two)
last week was a HUGE disappointment. not one single person linked up with me. i kinda felt like a loser...
but i decided not to give up. i'm going to give what if... wednesday another shot. this week i'm going for a little more depth. check out this week's topic below and link up your post.
but i decided not to give up. i'm going to give what if... wednesday another shot. this week i'm going for a little more depth. check out this week's topic below and link up your post.
if you were stuck on a TV show for a month, what would it be and why? (it doesn't have to be a current show)
so, when i picked this topic, i had no idea what TV show i would pick. there are so many great ones to choose from.
i thought about the original beverly hills 90210 (the high school years), but then i would have to do high school again, which is not something i don't want to do.
i thought about welcome back kotter (one of my most favorite shows), but i don't see myself as a "sweathog", so i would miss out on all the fun.
i thought about a reality show like dance moms or honey boo boo, but i don't think i could handle that much insanity in real life for a month.
some other obvious choices were: the cosby show, who's the boss? facts of life, moonlighting, melrose place, and punky brewster. oh, and will & grace and friends! i didn't know this would be SO hard!!
i started to think about what would be an upside of being stuck on a TV show. i decided that it would be a great way to get what i crave most out of this world, a family that is some-what functional. my choice is below. in all honesty, there were so many different families that could fill the void i feel when it comes to a loving family.
i finally decided, that if i had to be stuck on a TV show for a month, i would want to be on family ties. the parents were liberals with strong values. they supported their children, no matter what. things weren't always perfect, but they had an important bond as a family. i wish i had that family. plus, it would have been fun to tease "alex p. keaton" about his political views!
what show would you choose? grab my button and link your post!
just for fun, since a lot of my readers probably aren't familiar with my favorite show:
Monday, March 4, 2013
desperate
before i bitch, take a look around! my blog is SO pretty!!! thanks to lisette at northern belle diaries! she rocks! if you're looking to redesign your blog, check her out. she was fun to work with and i love the look of my blog! (if you're reading this in email, go ahead and look at my blog. it's pretty).
so, i'm very unhappy with my current living situation. it's miserable here. today i got told how i'm pretty much worthless. how i've screwed up my life. i've screwed up alex's life. i only care about me. i was told how i need to quit this job (that i'm loving by the way) and go back to teaching. i listened to 30 minutes about how screwed up my life is. how i'm a failure. how i should never have gotten married. i should never have gotten divorced. how i spend too much time on the internet looking for dates and that my laptop should be thrown in a dumpster. i was told i'm a child. i was told i'm irresponsible. i was told that i should not even dream of going out and having a life. i need to think hard and come up with a plan to get back to teaching. i need to think about alex and my family. i need to stop thinking about me.
all this comes from family. i can only imagine what my enemies say behind my back.
i need a place for alex and i. we can't stay here. i'll go insane. i found a great apt, but i don't qualify. i need a co-signer.
i hate that i'm in the place i am. i do blame myself. there are things i could have done differently in life. but there are things that have happened that i wouldn't change. there are things that wouldn't be if i wasn't in this place now. i can't focus on the past. i need to find a way to change what is happening now. i keep trying to tell myself that i'm not the bad person that was described to me today. i keep trying to tell myself that i have not ruined alex's life. i keep trying to tell myself that everything will change and i'll be ok.
i have a hard time believing myself...
so, i'm very unhappy with my current living situation. it's miserable here. today i got told how i'm pretty much worthless. how i've screwed up my life. i've screwed up alex's life. i only care about me. i was told how i need to quit this job (that i'm loving by the way) and go back to teaching. i listened to 30 minutes about how screwed up my life is. how i'm a failure. how i should never have gotten married. i should never have gotten divorced. how i spend too much time on the internet looking for dates and that my laptop should be thrown in a dumpster. i was told i'm a child. i was told i'm irresponsible. i was told that i should not even dream of going out and having a life. i need to think hard and come up with a plan to get back to teaching. i need to think about alex and my family. i need to stop thinking about me.
all this comes from family. i can only imagine what my enemies say behind my back.
i need a place for alex and i. we can't stay here. i'll go insane. i found a great apt, but i don't qualify. i need a co-signer.
i hate that i'm in the place i am. i do blame myself. there are things i could have done differently in life. but there are things that have happened that i wouldn't change. there are things that wouldn't be if i wasn't in this place now. i can't focus on the past. i need to find a way to change what is happening now. i keep trying to tell myself that i'm not the bad person that was described to me today. i keep trying to tell myself that i have not ruined alex's life. i keep trying to tell myself that everything will change and i'll be ok.
i have a hard time believing myself...
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
premature excitement
i started this long post about how my weekend to NYC was ruined. i erased it all. why go into it? living with my parents sucks. they treat me like a child. they just want me to sit in that house night after night and not do anything. i understand money is an issue. i get that. i should not be overly spending money i don't have. the thing is, i sold some stuff out of storage so i would be able to go to NYC. it was extra money. none of my bills were being sacrificed.
but, according to my parents, if i went i would be ruining their lives and alex's. so i stayed behind. very disappointed and pissed off. all that excitement for nothing.
today i'm supposed to go to the rodeo. i made arrangements for alex to be with his other grandma. now they are pissed that i'm going to the rodeo, even though they don't have to do any babysitting. i don't understand why i can't have a life.
i should be excited about tonight's rodeo. it's gary allan. i love gary allen. but instead of excitement i feel bad that i'm going. i also feel nervous because i know my parents will yell at me about all this at some point. i don't like yelling and fighting.
and yes, for new readers, i'm almost 37 years old. i should not be feeling this way. but my parents are controlling and unhappy people who want to drag everyone down to their level.
just because i can... i wrote this bitchy post and linked up with lisette.
Friday, February 1, 2013
a disappointment?
i'll just get right to it. if you don't already know, i was sexually assaulted in 1995 when i was in college. i was inspired to share my story here.
now that you're caught up...
i'm a big supporter of RAINN (Rape, Abuse, Incest, National Network). i joined their speaker's bureau in the later 2000s. i joined because i had a friend who was sexually assaulted (also in college). i was there for her the best i could be. i would offer advice, check on her, etc. i don't know how much time passed, but she told me that i was the reason she got out of bed everyday. she wanted to be strong like me.
we all know i did not become strong over night, but once i began to recognize myself as a survivor and not a victim and started to heal with my writing, i wanted to help others. if i was able to help my friend, who else could i help? how many people could i reach? i had to make something good come from this terrible thing that happened to me. so i joined the speaker's bureau. what they do is put media and groups in touch with survivors who want to share their stories. i always wanted the opportunity to share my story. i wanted people to know what happened and where i am today. i want to inspire others to get help and let them know that one day they will feel good again.
my opportunity came yesterday. RAINN sent out an email that there was a media opportunity in houston. i wrote back that i was interested. i spoke with the woman at RAINN. she was great. she listened to my story and why i wanted to do this. she put the reporter in touch with me (our local NBC affiliate). i spoke with him and arranged to be at the studio today (friday morning).
then i let myself think about it...
how would this effect my family? alex? me?
i asked my grandma for advice. she thought it was a bad idea.
i asked my above mentioned friend about it. she encouraged me.
i then went to my mom. it's been almost 18 years since it happened, and i had never told her. that's right, she didn't know until last night. i'm not going to give all the details of the 2 hour long conversation. she did manage to criticize a little. she did manage to go on tangents that had nothing to do with what we were talking about.
in the end i decided not to go through with the television interview. i'm under a lot of stress with my awful job. i'm depressed due to all the losses i have suffered lately. it's just a lot to deal with. going on tv with my story would open a huge can of worms. it could set off people who know me and were there, or worse, strangers. i am also concerned about alex and what would happen if he found out about it right now. it's just not the right time. (that's the short version of it).
i woke up this morning feeling VERY disappointed with myself. i should be able to talk about this. i keep telling myself i have no problem talking about being raped, which is true, i don't. the problem is all the other shit i'm dealing with right now. the depression and the stress. but, i feel like i let myself and others (not sure who these others are) down. like i passed up an opportunity that i shouldn't have.
the woman at RAINN assured me that everything is fine and that she understood. she told me not to be disappointed with myself. she's right. doesn't change what i'm feeling now...
now that you're caught up...
i'm a big supporter of RAINN (Rape, Abuse, Incest, National Network). i joined their speaker's bureau in the later 2000s. i joined because i had a friend who was sexually assaulted (also in college). i was there for her the best i could be. i would offer advice, check on her, etc. i don't know how much time passed, but she told me that i was the reason she got out of bed everyday. she wanted to be strong like me.
we all know i did not become strong over night, but once i began to recognize myself as a survivor and not a victim and started to heal with my writing, i wanted to help others. if i was able to help my friend, who else could i help? how many people could i reach? i had to make something good come from this terrible thing that happened to me. so i joined the speaker's bureau. what they do is put media and groups in touch with survivors who want to share their stories. i always wanted the opportunity to share my story. i wanted people to know what happened and where i am today. i want to inspire others to get help and let them know that one day they will feel good again.
my opportunity came yesterday. RAINN sent out an email that there was a media opportunity in houston. i wrote back that i was interested. i spoke with the woman at RAINN. she was great. she listened to my story and why i wanted to do this. she put the reporter in touch with me (our local NBC affiliate). i spoke with him and arranged to be at the studio today (friday morning).
then i let myself think about it...
how would this effect my family? alex? me?
i asked my grandma for advice. she thought it was a bad idea.
i asked my above mentioned friend about it. she encouraged me.
i then went to my mom. it's been almost 18 years since it happened, and i had never told her. that's right, she didn't know until last night. i'm not going to give all the details of the 2 hour long conversation. she did manage to criticize a little. she did manage to go on tangents that had nothing to do with what we were talking about.
in the end i decided not to go through with the television interview. i'm under a lot of stress with my awful job. i'm depressed due to all the losses i have suffered lately. it's just a lot to deal with. going on tv with my story would open a huge can of worms. it could set off people who know me and were there, or worse, strangers. i am also concerned about alex and what would happen if he found out about it right now. it's just not the right time. (that's the short version of it).
i woke up this morning feeling VERY disappointed with myself. i should be able to talk about this. i keep telling myself i have no problem talking about being raped, which is true, i don't. the problem is all the other shit i'm dealing with right now. the depression and the stress. but, i feel like i let myself and others (not sure who these others are) down. like i passed up an opportunity that i shouldn't have.
the woman at RAINN assured me that everything is fine and that she understood. she told me not to be disappointed with myself. she's right. doesn't change what i'm feeling now...
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
in memory of my grandpa
Herb Brochstein
July 14, 1927-January 16, 2013
When asked who I admire most, my answer has always been the same. My grandpa. When asked why, my answer has always been that he worked hard for everything he had and created something known across the world. The drumstick company showed me that you can take an idea, work hard, and turn it into something wonderful.
It doesn’t stop there though. I admire him for more than creating a successful business. I admire him for always trying to teach me things and shape me into a responsible person. I remember visiting my grandparents at the house on Loch Lomond and my grandpa sitting Jennifer and me down to tell us different stories. They would always end with a moral.
One story that I think everyone fondly remembers as the “bridge story,” is one that I will pass down to future generations. He told this story every time we drove to Galveston. It had to do with a drunk person driving off the (insert name) bridge. The story always ended with the driver drowning, and every time Grandpa would add that the car drowned too. I can’t drive over the causeway without thinking of that and smiling (not because someone drowned, but because that was Grandpa’s way of telling us not to drink and drive).
While writing this I thought about all the good times like going to the circus, visiting him at work (for some reason this was a big deal for me), and enjoying magic shows at my birthday parties (couldn’t have a slumber party without the “bra trick”).
Those moments don’t even scratch the surface of the impact he had on me. He’s been a part of my life for as long as I can remember, and it is very difficult for me to imagine a world without him. He’s helped me out when I was in trouble and been there to celebrate my successes. I have always loved him, respected him, and held him in a high regard (yes, even when he was lecturing me about my finances).
In my adult life Grandpa would always tell me that he wasn’t a smart man. I believe the opposite to be true. He did many exciting things and accomplished a lot in 85 years. Not only that, he touched many lives and inspired others to do great things. I can only hope that one day I am able to say the same.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
things to worry about this week...
optimism does not come easy to me. i'm trying really hard to find the positives, but sometimes it gets tough. tonight a lot weighs on my heart.
here is what i'm worrying about this week:
* my grandpa
* when J will call and what he'll say
* writing my "blog for choice" blog for next monday. the topic this year is "why are you prochoice?"
* juggling the things i HAVE to do with the things i WANT to do
* my writing. the ideas are there, but i am having trouble making them a good story
* keeping up with my 2013 notebook. i'm already falling behind
here is what i'm worrying about this week:
* my grandpa
* when J will call and what he'll say
* writing my "blog for choice" blog for next monday. the topic this year is "why are you prochoice?"
* juggling the things i HAVE to do with the things i WANT to do
* my writing. the ideas are there, but i am having trouble making them a good story
* keeping up with my 2013 notebook. i'm already falling behind
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