a disappointment?

i'll just get right to it. if you don't already know, i was sexually assaulted in 1995 when i was in college.  i was inspired to share my story here.

now that you're caught up...

i'm a big supporter of RAINN (Rape, Abuse, Incest, National Network).  i joined their speaker's bureau in the later 2000s.  i joined because i had a friend who was sexually assaulted (also in college).  i was there for her the best i could be.  i would offer advice, check on her, etc.  i don't know how much time passed, but she told me that i was the reason she got out of bed everyday.  she wanted to be strong like me.

we all know i did not become strong over night, but once i began to recognize myself as a survivor and not a victim and started to heal with my writing, i wanted to help others.  if i was able to help my friend, who else could i help?  how many people could i reach?  i had to make something good come from this terrible thing that happened to me.  so i joined the speaker's bureau.  what they do is put media and groups in touch with survivors who want to share their stories.  i always wanted the opportunity to share my story.  i wanted people to know what happened and where i am today.  i want to inspire others to get help and let them know that one day they will feel good again.

my opportunity came yesterday.  RAINN sent out an email that there was a media opportunity in houston.  i wrote back that i was interested.  i spoke with the woman at RAINN. she was great.  she listened to my story and why i wanted to do this.  she put the reporter in touch with me (our local NBC affiliate).  i spoke with him and arranged to be at the studio today (friday morning).

then i let myself think about it...

how would this effect my family? alex? me?

i asked my grandma for advice.  she thought it was a bad idea.

i asked my above mentioned friend about it.  she encouraged me.

i then went to my mom.  it's been almost 18 years since it happened, and i had never told her.  that's right, she didn't know until last night.  i'm not going to give all the details of the 2 hour long conversation.  she did manage to criticize a little.  she did manage to go on tangents that had nothing to do with what we were talking about.

in the end i decided not to go through with the television interview.  i'm under a lot of stress with my awful job.  i'm depressed due to all the losses i have suffered lately.  it's just a lot to deal with.  going on tv with my story would open a huge can of worms.  it could set off people who know me and were there, or worse, strangers.  i am also concerned about alex and what would happen if he found out about it right now.  it's just not the right time. (that's the short version of it).

i woke up this morning feeling VERY disappointed with myself.  i should be able to talk about this.  i keep telling myself i have no problem talking about being raped, which is true, i don't.  the problem is all the other shit i'm dealing with right now.  the depression and the stress.  but, i feel like i let myself and others (not sure who these others are) down.  like i passed up an opportunity that i shouldn't have.

the woman at RAINN assured me that everything is fine and that she understood.  she told me not to be disappointed with myself.  she's right.  doesn't change what i'm feeling now...