when you see the big picture

events like the bombings at the boston marathon make you put your life in perspective.  i had all this stuff on my mind over the weekend that i was worried about.  when i say worry, i mean sick with worry.  i wanted to find answers.  i was sad and unhappy with things in my life.  monday's events showed me that my problems aren't as big as i was making them.  sure they are important to me.  i do want to resolve them.  but they are not high priority.  they aren't the most important things going on in the world.  other people have bigger problems.  it is so important to see outside myself and recognize those around me that are suffering and need help.  i need to work on me, but i need to see the big picture.

realizing this made me think about 9/11.  i didn't have a blog then.  i didn't even know what a blog was.       something insignificant that happened at work that morning before the first plane hit was turned into something bigger when the big picture should have been put into focus.

i had a disagreement with another teacher in the workroom that morning.  she had been annoying me, and i kinda snapped.  i do that sometimes.  keep things inside and quiet then get pushed too far and snap.  i don't remember what i said.  i'm sure my tone was not very nice.  she was known as a real bitch anyway.  not many people got along with her.  but the administration liked to keep her happy.

i remember the phone call that told me to turn on the news because a plane had hit the tower.  i wouldn't turn on the tv because second graders shouldn't be exposed.  i couldn't get anything online.  pages wouldn't load.  i remember the next phone call that said another plane hit.  i remember asking the librarian if she could look up information since she didn't have kids in there. i remember another phone call saying the planes were full-sized, not small planes like they first thought.

most of all from that day, i remember sitting in the conference room where our principal had hooked up a tv.  i was in there while my kids were at their ancillary classes watching what was unfolding.  i saw one of the towers fall.  i saw a view from a tv camera that was never shown again, but the island of manhattan disappeared in a cloud of smoke and the statue of liberty stood proudly holding her torch.

it was an emotionally exhausting day.  parents panicked and picked up their kids early from school.  i only had two kids left when it was time for 2:30 dismissal.  the kids wanted to know what was going on.  i couldn't tell them.  it wasn't my place. i was there to protect them.  that also meant i had to hide my emotions and keep them to myself.  i had to act like everything was ok when it wasn't.  i wanted to go home too. i wanted to be with family.  i wanted to know i was safe.

anyway, i had forgotten all about the argument in the teacher's workroom.  well, until my principal called me into her office and the other teacher was there.  she wanted to talk to us about what happened and mediate a conversation between us so we could get along.  wtf?

our country had just been attacked by terrorists!  four planes had crashed! thousands of people had died!  she wanted to discuss an argument that wasn't even that important after all was said and done?

i was pissed about this.  i just wanted to leave.  i was in shock over the events that i saw unfold.  i talked to the teacher.  i made peace.  anything to get out of there.  i couldn't believe that the teacher and my principal thought this was still important.  everything we knew as americans had just been thrown into question.

i am not perfect.  i should not have snapped at my coworker, even if she was annoying.  the issue needed to be resolved.  it just wasn't important anymore.  there were other things to worry about.  that's how i feel now.  i need to worry about immediate things.  i need to take care of some things i've been putting off and not obsess so much about my future.  things will fall into place.  i'l be ok.

just because... well, i'm sad

linking up with lisette and catalyn this morning for just because. today i am sad. i'm also a little angry, but the saddness is out weighing that this morning. i'm sad for the people who died yesterday. i'm sad for their families. i'm sad for all those who were hurt. i'm sad for those who were there to witness what happened. i'm sad for the runners who dreamed of and then finally qualified for the boston marathon and didn't get to finish.
but most of all, i'm sad because no where is safe.

i said it after 9/11. i said it after all the school shootings (dating all the way back to the ones in the 90s). i said it after people were shot in front of a grocery store just because they wanted to meet a congress woman. i said it after the shooting at a movie theater. i said it yesterday.

all those people did yesterday was go to a marathon (to either run or watch). from what i heard on the news, it's a big celebration in boston. a lot of people go to watch. it's an annual event. all they did was show up and they were hurt. these were innocent people who didn't do anything but go to a marathon.


with all the cases i listed above, the people were just doing an everyday, normal activity. it's one thing to enlist in the military and go to the front lines and lose your life. it's another to just go to work or school and be shot to death or blown up by a plane.

dont' get me wrong. i respect our military men and women. i respect law enforcement and firefighters. they risk their lives daily for our safety. i thank all of them for that. but the difference between them being hurt and a civilian is that they know it can happen when they go to work or are fighting in the war. it's something they know is a possibility. those kids who went to school in newtown on that day did not know that some crazy man was going to come in and start shooting up the place. they did not know they were taking a risk with going to school that day. they had a sense of security and safety. they should have been safe there. it shouldn't have happened.

i've been following catalyn's blog for a while. her posts are fun to read. i see a lot of my younger self in her. she was at the boston marathon yesterday to cheer on her best friend who was running in the race. i texted a fellow blogger yesterday afternoon who knows catalyn IRL. she didn't know anything, but she did text back later and let me know everything was ok. i sent catalyn an email last night to let her know that her and her friend were in my thoughts yesterday.

this morning i was really happy that we have these new cubicles at work. when i read catalyn's blog and what she went through yesterday i cried. that sweet girl should never have had to feel that terror of running through the streets to saftely. she shouldn't have seen what she saw. she shouldn't have had to worry about where her best friend was. she was innocent. i am thankful that she and her friend are safe.

i could go on and on about how i feel. i'm really upset about this. i'm tired of these things happening. we don't live in a third world country. we should be safe.

let your family and friends know you love them today and everyday. don't let go of your dreams. live each day like it may be your last.