on my mind monday: me and how i want things to change

i'm taking a break from my commentary on current events and public figures to focus on something a little more real--myself.  this monday, i'm on my mind.

sometimes i feel like i'm losing it. that's not easy to admit.  no one wants to be crazy. no one wants to tell other people that she doesn't have it all together like they thought she did.

this weekend was esp. hard.  i felt so lonely. which is weird because alex was actually here this weekend.  the weekend had events centered around him, so we weren't stuck in the apartment all weekend. i still felt so alone. like i have no one in the world.

i know that sounds crazy.  first of all, i have alex who thinks everything of me.  he loves me no matter how much i'm falling apart on the inside.  beyond him, i feel like i have no one.  i've felt this way for a while.  i've been told this is false; that i have friends who care. i just have a difficult time believing this.  i do not say that to hurt my friends' feelings.  i just feel so alone.

i've written before about dealing with mental illness.  it's tough.  it took months, but i finally saw a new psychiatrist and got back on medication. i'm also back in therapy.  i've been on the medicine for a little over a month, but i'm not noticing anything yet.  i've only had two therapy sessions, so not seeing improvement there either.

i really want life to be better.  i really want to go forward and do great things.  i want to write.  i have an idea for a non-profit i want to start.  i want to excel at motherhood.  i want to be involved in alex's school.  we have a bar mitzvah to plan, and i want that to be a wonderful memory for alex.  i want to continue to be a good friend; the friend i used to be.  i want to be the person i used to be.  i think i laughed more and found joy in life.  i feel lost.  i don't know how to get the things i want.  most of all, i don't feel like i deserve them.  i try to tell myself i deserve good things and happy moments.  i try to tell myself that i can do great things.  i try to believe myself when i tell myself these things.  it's just all so hard!

if i have any readers left after last week's post, you may think this post is a cry for attention.  i look at it as more of a cry for help.  i don't need attention.  i need people in my life that care to help me find my way.  i'm not sure how they are supposed to do this.  i'm pretty convinced that my friends are tired of me being depressed and just want to move on to happier people.  no one wants to be around someone who is depressed and can't find the positive things in life. (note: i try to find positive things, but often the negative things are easier to find)

i'm not sure how to conclude this post.  i guess if any readers have been through something similar and came out okay on the other side, you could share how you did that.  what got you through?  how did you find yourself again?

the "un" miracle of multiples

so, i already know this post is going to be controversial.  i think it'll be more controversial than me asking if you have immunized your kids. gasp!  what's on my mind today is multiples and how they aren't as big of a miracle as everyone makes them out to be.  i encourage you to keep reading because i may make some sense.

i want to start by saying that i don't have a lot of faith in a higher being.  if there is a g-d, i wonder how he/she could let so many bad things happen to good people. they say g-d won't give you more than you can handle, but the crap keeps getting piled on.  i'm not a total nonbeliever, but i do question A LOT.

with all that said, creating a life is in a way, a miracle.  conditions have to be just right for a sperm to find an egg.  they have to meet and multiple over and over to eventually form a human life.  conditions in the uterus have to be just right so the fetus can grow and develop into a healthy baby.  i recognize this.  even though our bodies were created to do it, i find it somewhat magical.  i'm just not sure how much credit i would give to a higher being.

when women have trouble conceiving, they turn to in vitro.  this is when the word miracle needs to stop being used.  when several fertilized embryos are inserted into the uterus, it's not a miracle.  it's science.  sure, they may not all implant and become fetuses, but they were put there by a doctor. g-d had nothing to do with it.

you may be wondering what brought all this on.  well, a few weeks ago a friend posted a link to a blog of a couple who is pregnant with FIVE babies. the blog chronicles their journey with weekly pictures and updates.  the couple happens to have a strong, christian faith and it has become all about the miracles that g-d has blessed them with.  i don't know why it bothers me so much, but doctors put those babies there and the constant monitoring they are receiving by doctors is helping keep those babies there.

i was also bothered by an article i happened upon about the couple.  it was in a christian magazine.  supposedly, doctors suggested to the couple that carrying these FIVE babies was not safe and that they should terminate a couple of the pregnancies.  they didn't because they are against abortion.  they are heroes (not the word used, but the one implied by the magazine) because they didn't listen to the doctors.  g-d wants those FIVE babies and it is not their place to end any of their lives.  not to start an abortion debate, but the doctors made the suggestion for the safety of the babies and the mom.  they were trying to increase the chances of survival.  the doctors weren't trying to be "evil killers" (not the words used, but implied by the magazine), but they were trying to help the family in the long run.  i don't think they are heroes for going against the suggestions of the doctor.  if something happens (i really hope it doesn't) because they didn't listen to the doctors, then they will experience a much bigger feeling of loss than they would have early on.  if it were me, i would like to think i would listen to the doctors.  it would be a difficult choice to make, but i think it would be the smarter choice in the long run.

my hope for this family is that they are able to leave the hospital with FIVE healthy babies.  the babies will be born early and will spend a long time in the NICU.  i am hoping there won't be a lot of complications.  i am hoping that they will be blessed with good doctors and good care.  i am hoping that everyone recognizes the role science played in all this.  most of all, i hope that maybe as i continue to watch this unfold, i can walk away with a little faith in humanity and maybe a higher being.

Bill Cosby has been on my mind for many Mondays

I know this isn't currently a "hot topic", but it's been on my mind for a while.

This week I want to talk about Bill Cosby and all the allegations of sexual assault.  Since October 2014, over 20 women have come forward saying that Cosby raped them.  My initial reactions was they are full of shit and just want money and/or fame.  How could Bill Cosby, one of my favorite TV dads be a rapist?  How could the lovable, sweater wearing man who told me there was always room for Jello, have raped these women? It wasn't possible…

Then I thought about it.  I was acting like the rest of society does when there is a sexual assault on a high school or college campus.  I was putting the blame on the women.  I was showing sympathy for Cosby and his reputation and ignoring how these women were feeling.  I was in the "rape culture" that I am fighting against, and it wasn't a nice place to be.

I think when we hear bad things about people we love and admire, that we go through denial.  We can't/won't believe that they could do something so horrific.  I guess that is how people could stand by the boys in Steubenville, Ohio, and worry that their futures were ruined.  (If you aren't familiar with the 2013 case, two high school boys raped a high school girl at a party.  The girl was unconscious from drinking too much, and the boys thought taking pictures and posting videos on social media would be a good idea.  At least their stupidity got a conviction.  There was a lot of victim blaming and worry over these guys and their future.  No one worried about the victim and how she would put the pieces back together.)

Back to Cosby, I think I wanted to believe he didn't do it because I've always respected and admired his views on education and parenting.  Plus, he is an icon from my childhood.  In doing that, I did an injustice to all those women who he sexually assaulted.  For that, I am sorry.

Cosby disappointed me, but I will not fight for him.  I want to fight against the rape culture and all that goes with it.  So what if those women took a decade or more to come forward.  They came forward.  Being raped is traumatic (I know) and everyone deals with it differently.  We (society) can't let people of power (respected actors included) get away with these crimes.  We all know Cosby as the lovable Dr. Huxtable from The Cosby Show and as the Pudding Pop spokesman, but he was just playing roles.  We don't really know Cosby.  We have to rally together and support the women that are coming forward because we know the media will drag them through the mud.

There have been many shows and appearances cancelled, including Cosby's show in Houston.  I was actually thinking of going before all this broke.  Like I said, I admired him.  He disappointed me and reinforced that rapists can be anyone.  There is no profile or "type."

on my mind monday: when will i catch up?

oh. my. goodness.

i have this wonderful list of topics i want to address in this new weekly series.  bill cosby. robin williams. internet trolls. bar/bat mitzvah planning. so much i want to discuss, but my mind is so crowded with all the stuff i need to get done.

i was sick the week of january 12th.  i picked up something in NYC i guess because my throat was scratchy on the way home.  then i developed a fever.  long story short, i ended up in urgent care and was diagnosed with a virus.  i had a high fever for a couple of days and missed a lot of work.  since then, i have been trying to catch up on work and other parts of my life that fell behind during that week.  there aren't enough hours in the day.

i have so much paperwork to complete for work.  it's never ending. i have events to plan.  shopping to do for these events. budgets to do.  2014 paperwork to wrap up and mail to headquarters.  not to mention, the day-to-day after school program to run.  i need to recruit more volunteers to help with my programs.  there is so much that needs to be done that i can't even list it all.

oh, and i'm looking for a new job because this one doesn't pay enough.  so in between all the above, i'm searching for jobs and applying for them.  i'm trying to write cover letters and get everything together so i can find work to support us.  because when i don't make enough money, all that is on my mind is the question, "how will we survive?"  (see maslow's hierarchy of needs) when you're worried about where your next meal will come from, it's difficult to focus on all the other tasks that need to be done.

is anyone else overwhelmed with life right now? things are work stressful?  what's on your mind?

how to use technology to help you in the big apple (SO easy!)

my recent trip to jersey is on my mind this monday.  here is how i got around the big city without looking like a tourist. if you read it and think, "wow! that's a no-brainer," that's okay because i am very excited about how it worked out for me.


the thought of going from jersey to manhattan was scary, but I've been trying to do things outside my comfort zone. I spent a lot of time on google trying to figure out the best routes and modes of transportation to do what I wanted to do. I didn't want to look like a tourist or get lost. from past experiences, nyc is pretty easy. in fact, i think it's easier than houston. i just wanted to avoid any anxiety. i even downloaded two free apps. one for the train from jersey to the city and the other for the subway and general directions for getting around. (let me know if you want the names of those apps)

the PATH train takes you from different locations in jersey to different locations in nyc. for $5.50 I got a round trip pass. i went from journal square in jersey city to 33rd street in manhattan. not too bad. it was a 20 minute ride, and i felt safe. 

so let me get to the technology part (must stay focused). when I got into the city my app suggested I walk instead of take the subway. I was headed to the public library. instead of having to keep looking at the app or memorize the directions i was able to pop in my ear buds, turn on my gps with walking directions, and just walk through the city looking cool. everyone has ear buds in and is just walking around. no one knew i was getting directions. 

Added bonus: i turned on my music so I was jamming to cool tunes as i walked. i felt like i was on a tv show and the theme song was playing as i walked through the city. it was cool! (dorky thought but still cool). 

i felt proud of myself for getting around the city with only help from my iPhone. to outsiders, I was just another girl walking through the city. i went the library, had lunch at a nearby deli, killed more time at the library, went to a write-in, and made it back to the PATH train. I ended up walking through times square and past madison square garden. 

what a cool adventure!

how has technology made your life easier this monday?

on my mind monday: racism in 2015?

i'm starting a new weekly post called "on my mind monday."  it's a chance for me to write about current events, issues, and concerns.  it's a chance for me to tell my POV on what is happening around us or maybe just in my life.  here's what is on my mind this first monday in 2015.

since the protests/riots in ferguson, missouri, racism has been on my mind.  those events brought up several feelings for me.  since then, i have been tuned into the oprah channel to see her shows commemorating the 50th anniversary of the selma marches.  the movie, "selma" opens this weekend.  her shows have focused on civil rights then and now.  more on those shows in a moment.

i am not a racist.  i don't judge a person by their skin color or origin, but by who they are inside.  i told an 8th grade student this, telling her that we shouldn't have black/white issues in the 21st century (this was 2006). she told me i was naive.  maybe so…

fast forward to 2014.  as i watched the stories from ferguson appear on social media i got mad.  i got mad because things haven't changed.  i felt like i was watching Los Angeles in 1992.  was the rodney king verdict just announced again?  people were breaking into buildings, looting, and setting fires.  didn't they learn anything from the Los Angeles riots in 1992?  there are still people trying to rebuild in Los Angeles and it's been 22 years.  wtf is that?  what does all that solve?  how does that make change happen?

i don't think violence solves anything to begin with.  i don't know how stealing from local businesses of your neighbors changes the racism that exists.  but, my opinion doesn't matter.  let's just look at the facts.  1992 riots only destroyed businesses and lives.  it didn't fix racism among cops and african american males because here we are in 2014 with a situation.  so, why riot again?  why not try something else?  we need to change our (society's) behaviors to make change happen.

so, why do i care? i'm a white woman.  why do i even have an opinion?  this effects all of us--black/white, male/female.  racism is learned.  children do not use skin color to select their friends on the day care playground.  we need to stop teaching our kids (we & our = society) to be racists. we need to equip our sons and daughters with ways to stand up against racism that doesn't include riots, fires, and stealing.  we need change.  we (productive members of society) should not leave this change up to the african american race.  we need to ALL come together and fight.  just like they did when they marched int he 1960s.

oprah's shows have featured many prominent african americans.  she spoke to ruby bridges (first african american female to attend an all white school in the south). she lived through the struggle of the civil rights movement and recognizes that progress has been made, but she says it's not enough.  oprah talked to maya angelou, morgan freeman, and several other african americans.  the dialogues she is having with these famous african americans need to be held with the everyone.  we (society) all need to hear about what we need to do to make change happen.  everyone includes the people rioting in response to racism. (i can't do justice to oprah or the people she has interviewed. check out her channel during this month).

to wrap up this post, i want to take a moment to mention MLK.  we are getting ready to celebrate his life with MLK day.  i always enjoyed teaching his "i have a dream" speech because it is so eloquently written.  his use of metaphor is amazing and he really gets makes a good point about where we as a country need to be.  we have come a long way since the 1960s, but we have a way to go.  i have a dream that one day the dream of martin luther king junior and all those that marched with him will come true.

(it was difficult to choose an excerpt to share.  click on the text for the full speech)

"And when this happens, when we allow freedom to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

what's on your mind today?