so much weighing on my mind today...
* i sent a text to some friends in late march/early april that said i wanted to do my birthday party on the afternoon of may 10th. i said in order to have a private painting party, i would need 10 total guests, so i was surveying them about the date. i got back a lot of positive response. yes, that's mother's day weekend, but people still said they could come. they said it wouldn't be a problem. i put down a deposit ($250) and sent out evites. now, with the party 2 weeks away, these same people are saying, it's mother's day (technically not until sunday, but ok). i'm being told, well, it's my boyfriend's birthday and he wants to take me out of town (but you knew about my birthday party first). i was told, that's the day of my company picnic, and since i'm the one planning it, i have to be there (but you knew you said you were coming to my party--why not say you can't plan the picnic for that day, OR that it's mother's day weekend, not a good weekend for a company picnic). i'm at 7 people right now and trying to think who else i can invite. some people still haven't responded (so rude!). i hope i don't have to cancel last minute because i don't have enough people.
* i have an eating disorder. don't laugh! i was so excited that i lost all that weight after being in the hospital with my heart. i felt good and looked good. i was happy to see myself skinny again. i wasn't perfect, but i was on my way there. then... well, i can't pinpoint the moment when i started gaining weight again. it was slow at first, but then obvious that i put back on all that weight. it came back quicker than it came off. i'm miserable when i weigh every morning. i'm miserable when i take off my clothes to get in the shower. i'm miserable when i look at the clothes in my closet that i can't wear. i want to lose weight, but i can't. some would say i don't want it bad enough. that if i did, then i would do everything i could to lose the weight. i eat for the wrong reasons. i know this. i eat when i'm upset. i eat to feel happy. i don't know how to fix this. it's a terrible feeling.
* i have decided i'm ok with being alone. well, i really decided that i'm tired of online dating and men being assholes. i just don't want to deal with it right now. maybe it's because so much is going on. maybe i've just finally come to terms with being alone is okay. it's like coming to terms with not having another baby. it took some time, but i am alright with it. i'm okay with being single. it took a long time to get here. it's kind of a peaceful feeling.
* my principal shocked the hell out of me yesterday. there has been a lot of tension (maybe i created it, but her lack of response to me hasn't helped). i assumed after several incidents that she did not want me back next year. that is why i have been looking for a job. i love the kids i work with, but if i'm not wanted there (or have no guarantee of a contract), then i may as well move on, right? well, yesterday she spoke to me (doesn't happen often). she asked if my son has gotten into a school yet. i told her no, i'm still trying to find him a place. she said, "you know you can bring him here next year if you want. it won't cost anything." wtf? that would mean she wants me to continue teaching there. i never expected this. i think i had to fight to keep my mouth from hanging open. so, i've been hunting for a job and a place for alex, for nothing? i tried to speak with her back in january about my future at the school and the fact that i had some personal things going on and would be taking a second job. she never responded to this request for a meeting. she ignored it. the time that she spoke to me that month was to tell me that there were things wrong with the high school newsletter and how i needed to fix it. (it's a joint effort--why was this all on me?). anyway, i'm all confused and conflicted now. there are so may things wrong with that school, but i love the kids and the teachers i work with. plus, it would be a small environment for alex to be in.
* i'm waiting to hear on this job in huntsville. it's got me so anxious for so many reasons. i don't quite understand what is going on with my background check. there shouldn't be any problems with it. if i do get a formal offer for the job, there is so much to do. there is giving notice at this apartment (and dealing with breaking my lease). there is finding a new apartment (all the ones i'm calling are full with no upcoming rentals in june). there is deciding exactly where to live (the woodlands, conroe, huntsville). there is where to send alex to school and paying for it (found the perfect school, but concerned that they don't offer a lot of financial assistance). then there is packing, money for expenses, stress. i'll have to get trained for the new job. get organized. get ready to start with summer camp right around the corner.
* i don't know if i'm in the best writing program. there are people in my classes that are not working at the same level as me. i know some are working ahead of me (i am not well read and can't understand any of that theory shit), but so many seem clueless. they try to correct people on things they are wrong about. their writing is full of mistakes itself (not content, grammar). i just don't know if i am going to get anything out of this fiction class. i was really looking forward to it, and now i feel let down.
* i am starting to write stories dealing with sister relationships. guess i am starting to deal with my unresolved feelings over my own sister. that part is good. i feel like i'm getting some good work done. my sister has been gone 4 years. i'm tired of my mom speaking about my sister like there weren't any problems. now that she's gone, she didn't do any wrong. i'm stuck here, everything i do is wrong (even when i'm doing right). maybe it's normal for parents to do that when they lose a child. maybe i'm still too angry with her to let things go.
Showing posts with label love and relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love and relationships. Show all posts
Saturday, April 26, 2014
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
detective work
well, maybe it wasn't really detective work. more women's intuition and putting together some obvious signs.
i met a guy online a couple of months ago (beginning of march/end of february). we really hit it off and had a lot in common (seemed like a lot in common). we met and went on 4 dates before i connected the dots and realized that he is still married.
he swears that he's not hiding anything. he said i'm wrong and that he's sorry he did something to make me feel like he's hiding something.
let's look at the clues. see what you think...
* talks about "ex" wife A LOT. i understand she's the mother of his 3 children and they haven't been a part for long, but it was always "my ex this and my ex that." plus they seemed to spend a lot of time together. he would say he did something before work and his ex was at his house. that his ex went with his family to the museum and zoo. i get doing things as a "family." wayne and i did that for alex before he remarried (now it's "not allowed"). but, for her to be hanging out at his house before he went to work (he works nights). just seemed strange.
* we were out to lunch one saturday. he got a text from his oldest daughter that she was at his house. he said she asked if she could do something or another (that part isn't important). this daughter is 11. what was she doing there alone if she doesn't live there? i asked how far his ex lives from him. he said 10 miles. so, how did his daughter get there by herself? why would her mom drop her off there alone?
this is the biggest clue: i realized that EVERY TIME i called him, he never answered. it always went to voicemail. then he would call me back, but he would never be at home. he would be "on his way to the store," "going to buy a tire," "walking the dog," "on his way to work". we never talked when he was at home. he always wanted to text.
so blog readers--weigh in. is this guy a lying bastard or am i overly paranoid?
i met a guy online a couple of months ago (beginning of march/end of february). we really hit it off and had a lot in common (seemed like a lot in common). we met and went on 4 dates before i connected the dots and realized that he is still married.
he swears that he's not hiding anything. he said i'm wrong and that he's sorry he did something to make me feel like he's hiding something.
let's look at the clues. see what you think...
* talks about "ex" wife A LOT. i understand she's the mother of his 3 children and they haven't been a part for long, but it was always "my ex this and my ex that." plus they seemed to spend a lot of time together. he would say he did something before work and his ex was at his house. that his ex went with his family to the museum and zoo. i get doing things as a "family." wayne and i did that for alex before he remarried (now it's "not allowed"). but, for her to be hanging out at his house before he went to work (he works nights). just seemed strange.
* we were out to lunch one saturday. he got a text from his oldest daughter that she was at his house. he said she asked if she could do something or another (that part isn't important). this daughter is 11. what was she doing there alone if she doesn't live there? i asked how far his ex lives from him. he said 10 miles. so, how did his daughter get there by herself? why would her mom drop her off there alone?
this is the biggest clue: i realized that EVERY TIME i called him, he never answered. it always went to voicemail. then he would call me back, but he would never be at home. he would be "on his way to the store," "going to buy a tire," "walking the dog," "on his way to work". we never talked when he was at home. he always wanted to text.
so blog readers--weigh in. is this guy a lying bastard or am i overly paranoid?
Saturday, March 29, 2014
where i've been, where i am, where i'm going (an update)
hello loyal blog readers who have stuck with me! i know it's been a while... life has been crazy busy. things are so hectic that i am sometimes confused about what day/time it is.
where i've been:
* i started working regularly at soma again in january. my schedule was to close on fridays and open on sundays. it was nice having all of saturday off to get things done, but it was still exhausting. things are good there. i've still got it. i went from #11 one week to #1 two weeks in a row! i totally rocked it out these last couple of weeks! makes me feel good.
* i've been drowning in literary theory... i am retaking the class (i failed it last term). it is SO hard and SO boring. i have done my best to keep up and try to learn something. i can't say that i've learned much, but i am ready for next term and fiction fundamentals.
* i've been somewhat depressed and very tired. when i get home at night, i just want to lay here and watch TV. this is making it difficult to get homework done. i just feel exhausted.
where i am:
* i am once again leaving soma (temporarily??). i got a job at a tutoring company that has me working on getting their curriculum together. i will also tutor. right now i am getting 7 hours a week. it pays more than soma and i don't have to spend so much time on my feet.
* i am single and ok with it. i was seeing this guy for a few weeks. we went on four dates, but he turned out to be a lying bastard. that can be a whole post in and of itself, but i will say that i'm proud of myself for not putting up with bullshit so i won't be lonely. maybe i'm just meant to be single...
* i have not been writing much. i am really trying to fix that. being in fiction fundamentals next term will help since i have to write for class. i just want to get in the habit of writing every day.
where i'm going:
of course, i have no fucking clue where i am going. it is always changing. i don't know what door will open next. i am still working to get the hours needed to teach community college english. i need 18 to start applying for jobs. i have 6. i'll get there--just need to be patient with time.
i have been applying for jobs like crazy because i don't plan to return to this school next year. even if i did plan on going back, i need something for june-august because this job does not pay during the summer. i had a great video conference interview for a job in huntsville. wouldn't it be funny if i ended up back there? it's for a community coordinator at an apartment complex that is low income housing. it pays just about what i make now, but the cost of living is cheaper in huntsville. i'm not so sure about options for school for alex, but i'm taking it one step at a time. i'm working on other jobs in houston as well. no way are all my eggs going in one basket.
* i am signed up for two writing retreats for this summer. one is a private retreat in boulder (i was supposed to go in february, but my job messed that all up). the other is a retreat in west texas. i am excited about both! :)
**just a short update on me. i'm going to try to start posting weekly again!
where i've been:
* i started working regularly at soma again in january. my schedule was to close on fridays and open on sundays. it was nice having all of saturday off to get things done, but it was still exhausting. things are good there. i've still got it. i went from #11 one week to #1 two weeks in a row! i totally rocked it out these last couple of weeks! makes me feel good.
* i've been drowning in literary theory... i am retaking the class (i failed it last term). it is SO hard and SO boring. i have done my best to keep up and try to learn something. i can't say that i've learned much, but i am ready for next term and fiction fundamentals.
* i've been somewhat depressed and very tired. when i get home at night, i just want to lay here and watch TV. this is making it difficult to get homework done. i just feel exhausted.
where i am:
* i am once again leaving soma (temporarily??). i got a job at a tutoring company that has me working on getting their curriculum together. i will also tutor. right now i am getting 7 hours a week. it pays more than soma and i don't have to spend so much time on my feet.
* i am single and ok with it. i was seeing this guy for a few weeks. we went on four dates, but he turned out to be a lying bastard. that can be a whole post in and of itself, but i will say that i'm proud of myself for not putting up with bullshit so i won't be lonely. maybe i'm just meant to be single...
* i have not been writing much. i am really trying to fix that. being in fiction fundamentals next term will help since i have to write for class. i just want to get in the habit of writing every day.
where i'm going:
of course, i have no fucking clue where i am going. it is always changing. i don't know what door will open next. i am still working to get the hours needed to teach community college english. i need 18 to start applying for jobs. i have 6. i'll get there--just need to be patient with time.
i have been applying for jobs like crazy because i don't plan to return to this school next year. even if i did plan on going back, i need something for june-august because this job does not pay during the summer. i had a great video conference interview for a job in huntsville. wouldn't it be funny if i ended up back there? it's for a community coordinator at an apartment complex that is low income housing. it pays just about what i make now, but the cost of living is cheaper in huntsville. i'm not so sure about options for school for alex, but i'm taking it one step at a time. i'm working on other jobs in houston as well. no way are all my eggs going in one basket.
* i am signed up for two writing retreats for this summer. one is a private retreat in boulder (i was supposed to go in february, but my job messed that all up). the other is a retreat in west texas. i am excited about both! :)
**just a short update on me. i'm going to try to start posting weekly again!
Thursday, January 30, 2014
L-O-V-E
last night i stepped outside my comfort zone and went and listened to a rabbi talk about love. it's a 3 part series on love, marriage, and sex. he looks at what the torah and judaism say about the subject matter. i ended up finding it interesting.
first of all, i was one of the youngest ones there, which was weird. there were some couples there too, which i guess is good. maybe they have stuff to work on. there was one annoying person (guess every class has 'em) that kept butting in and disagreeing with the rabbi. i tried my best to tune her out and listen to the message.
he told a story that basically said a lot of people treat love as a selfish thing--what do I get out of it? how does this person make ME feel? i can see that. when we have those feelings we focus on how good we feel. he explained that the root of the hebrew word for love means to give/to take. so, love is a two way street. you have to invest yourself into this other person, and he/she has to invest in you. makes sense. so the goal is to find a person who wants what you want--to invest him/herself into someone else. but how do you find that? i hope he tells us next week.
the rabbi did talk about interfaith relationships not working. he mentioned that it is best to find someone who shares your values. he also suggested looking for someone in your community, which i'm not sure about because i don't interact or participate in anything in my community.
first of all, i was one of the youngest ones there, which was weird. there were some couples there too, which i guess is good. maybe they have stuff to work on. there was one annoying person (guess every class has 'em) that kept butting in and disagreeing with the rabbi. i tried my best to tune her out and listen to the message.
he told a story that basically said a lot of people treat love as a selfish thing--what do I get out of it? how does this person make ME feel? i can see that. when we have those feelings we focus on how good we feel. he explained that the root of the hebrew word for love means to give/to take. so, love is a two way street. you have to invest yourself into this other person, and he/she has to invest in you. makes sense. so the goal is to find a person who wants what you want--to invest him/herself into someone else. but how do you find that? i hope he tells us next week.
the rabbi did talk about interfaith relationships not working. he mentioned that it is best to find someone who shares your values. he also suggested looking for someone in your community, which i'm not sure about because i don't interact or participate in anything in my community.
Saturday, January 25, 2014
friends or lack thereof
i have been doing a lot of thinking about friends and why people come into our lives. i know i have posted about this before, but it really weighing on my heart again. i may skip around a lot because so many things are running through my mind right now.
i was under some sort of delusion that my college girlfriends, my "sisters", would be in my life forever. that we would never grow apart. i worked hard for a good many years to keep the group together. it wore me out! i'm so over it now! relationships (both romantic and friendly ones) do take work though. they take work from both sides. how do you know who is worth it? how do you know who to fight to keep in your life as they start to drift away? how do you know who your real friends are?
i found a quote the other day: People grow apart. Clinging to what was, instead of acknowledging that things have changed, can be a source of ongoing agitation and sadness.
this really put things into perspective for me. i asked above who do you fight for? you shouldn't have to fight for your friendships. you shouldn't have to beg and plead for someone to be your friend. you shouldn't feel like any less of a person because someone stops being your friend. this isn't high school!
i don't deal well with change, so this realization really shook up my world. some people have already slipped away from me. i need to let go and stop dwelling on things. but what about the people who have been in my life for nearly 20 years? i don't want them to ever drift away, but i don't want to fight to hold onto them either. is that wrong?
i feel like i'm not making much sense. i feel like i'm sounding selfish. i love my friends and would do anything for them. you go through a lot with a person in 20 years. that shouldn't be taken lightly or let go of easily. friendships have their ups and downs. how do you know the difference between growing apart and just a down time? how long do you wait? (these are not rhetorical questions--let me know if you have answers).
then there is the thing about new people coming into your life. i mentioned this great new friend, P, who came into my life. well he turned out to be not so great. it was a whirlwind friendship, lasting about 3 weeks. if you ask me, the whole thing was just fucked up. i'm partly to blame for that. i take responsibility, but he did come in with promises and charisma that reeled me in. he was so intense and had all these outlooks on life that sounded like just what i needed. i opened up to him. it was easy to do. he just has that way about him. i told him things i have never told anyone. things i won't even write down. at first when he said he was my friend and that he cared i thought he was full of shit. he'd known me not even 24 hours. but then, he reached out and helped me when i got myself into a mess. he came to my rescue. in doing that, i believed in his friendship and his words. i trusted him more. i took his advice. i wanted to make the changes i needed to my life and felt like i had my external motivation--my cheerleader there to do it. then he was gone. so, he was brought into my life to "save" me and disappear? wtf? i don't get it. none of it makes sense, and this hurts more than just about any break up i've been through. i know i'm not telling all the details. i know i'm leaving things out. it's just got me so confused and mixed up that i don't know about trusting people anymore.
maybe my expectations for him were just too high. i think i do this a lot, expect a lot from people. i often feel abandoned and let down because i expect people, family and friends, to be there. to live up to this image i have in my head. i know i'm far from perfect, but i try so hard to be a good friend. i try hard to be there for the people who need me when they need me. i make sacrifices. maybe i need to lower the bar. expect less and not be disappointed so much. maybe, just maybe, i should stop letting people in. i know that sounds absurd, but it would offer me protection.
i was under some sort of delusion that my college girlfriends, my "sisters", would be in my life forever. that we would never grow apart. i worked hard for a good many years to keep the group together. it wore me out! i'm so over it now! relationships (both romantic and friendly ones) do take work though. they take work from both sides. how do you know who is worth it? how do you know who to fight to keep in your life as they start to drift away? how do you know who your real friends are?
i found a quote the other day: People grow apart. Clinging to what was, instead of acknowledging that things have changed, can be a source of ongoing agitation and sadness.
this really put things into perspective for me. i asked above who do you fight for? you shouldn't have to fight for your friendships. you shouldn't have to beg and plead for someone to be your friend. you shouldn't feel like any less of a person because someone stops being your friend. this isn't high school!
i don't deal well with change, so this realization really shook up my world. some people have already slipped away from me. i need to let go and stop dwelling on things. but what about the people who have been in my life for nearly 20 years? i don't want them to ever drift away, but i don't want to fight to hold onto them either. is that wrong?
i feel like i'm not making much sense. i feel like i'm sounding selfish. i love my friends and would do anything for them. you go through a lot with a person in 20 years. that shouldn't be taken lightly or let go of easily. friendships have their ups and downs. how do you know the difference between growing apart and just a down time? how long do you wait? (these are not rhetorical questions--let me know if you have answers).
then there is the thing about new people coming into your life. i mentioned this great new friend, P, who came into my life. well he turned out to be not so great. it was a whirlwind friendship, lasting about 3 weeks. if you ask me, the whole thing was just fucked up. i'm partly to blame for that. i take responsibility, but he did come in with promises and charisma that reeled me in. he was so intense and had all these outlooks on life that sounded like just what i needed. i opened up to him. it was easy to do. he just has that way about him. i told him things i have never told anyone. things i won't even write down. at first when he said he was my friend and that he cared i thought he was full of shit. he'd known me not even 24 hours. but then, he reached out and helped me when i got myself into a mess. he came to my rescue. in doing that, i believed in his friendship and his words. i trusted him more. i took his advice. i wanted to make the changes i needed to my life and felt like i had my external motivation--my cheerleader there to do it. then he was gone. so, he was brought into my life to "save" me and disappear? wtf? i don't get it. none of it makes sense, and this hurts more than just about any break up i've been through. i know i'm not telling all the details. i know i'm leaving things out. it's just got me so confused and mixed up that i don't know about trusting people anymore.
maybe my expectations for him were just too high. i think i do this a lot, expect a lot from people. i often feel abandoned and let down because i expect people, family and friends, to be there. to live up to this image i have in my head. i know i'm far from perfect, but i try so hard to be a good friend. i try hard to be there for the people who need me when they need me. i make sacrifices. maybe i need to lower the bar. expect less and not be disappointed so much. maybe, just maybe, i should stop letting people in. i know that sounds absurd, but it would offer me protection.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
all mixed up
the title of this post should probably be all fucked up because that is how i feel lately. every time i think i have something figured out, i'm thrown a curve ball. since i catch like a girl, i spend a while chasing the ball trying to figure out how to get a hold of it. usually it rolls under the fence and into the woods, right out of my reach. it sucks!
i'm tired of rejection. seems like every guy i like just wants to be friends. the guys i would rather be just friends with are totally into me. it's like i can't win. but isn't that how things work out?
i am often disappointed by people. it has happened again recently. people seem full of empty promises. which in my mind are just lies. things said to get what they want. i really hope i am not that way. i hope i'm not a disappointment.
i want to call people out on these lies, these broken promises. but everything is perception and i'm sure they do not perceive their actions the same way i do. i always thought i was a good judge of character, but it turns out that i'm easily fooled.
my thoughts are all jumbled and unfocused. i'm not sure what i want right now. i'm not sure what a relationship is. i'm not sure what i want from one. i'm not sure if i should stay single and stop searching. i'm just so unsure of everything.
i'm tired of rejection. seems like every guy i like just wants to be friends. the guys i would rather be just friends with are totally into me. it's like i can't win. but isn't that how things work out?
i am often disappointed by people. it has happened again recently. people seem full of empty promises. which in my mind are just lies. things said to get what they want. i really hope i am not that way. i hope i'm not a disappointment.
i want to call people out on these lies, these broken promises. but everything is perception and i'm sure they do not perceive their actions the same way i do. i always thought i was a good judge of character, but it turns out that i'm easily fooled.
my thoughts are all jumbled and unfocused. i'm not sure what i want right now. i'm not sure what a relationship is. i'm not sure what i want from one. i'm not sure if i should stay single and stop searching. i'm just so unsure of everything.
Friday, January 3, 2014
2014 resolutions
i know y'all are on the edge of your seats waiting to see what my resolutions will be this year. i have been putting a lot of thought into this. that's why it's 3 days late! ha ha! so here they are, in no particular order:
1. focus on my 43 things. i have even started a blog to write about what i'm working on and where i am at. i haven't been good about keeping up with said blog, but one of my resolutions related to my 43 things will to be blog about them.
2. lose ALL the weight i have put back on. i want to be skinny again. i am unhappy being fat (even though i'm told by others that i'm not fat, i know i am). this is difficult for me because i don't like feeling hungry. it's hard to lose weight without feeling hungry. any suggestions?
3. stick to a budget and save money. this is VERY important. i am going to start working my second job again so i can start a savings. i need to have "emergency" money and not get in desperate situations. i have a friend who helped me with a budget and outlined what he believes will work for me. i've got to stick to it. out of all my resolutions, this is probably the MOST important.
4. be successful at school. i had a rough term at the end of 2013 and didn't do the best that i could in my class (that damn depression got the better of me). that WILL NOT happen again. failure IS NOT an option. i will do well in school and get the credits i need to teach college english.
5. define what i want in a relationship and go after it. i am rethinking what a relationship needs to be and what would best fit my needs. i'm not going to go into too much right now, but i want to figure out what i want, define it, and find a partner(s) that fit into this. this can be a whole other post...
6. create a daily schedule and stick to it. between school, two jobs, and alex and his schedule things are going to be crazy. i'm going to want to work a social life in there too. so, i'm trying to create a schedule on paper that i can stick to. once i get that hammered out, the resolution is to stick to it.
since i like even numbers, i'm going to stop there. having the 43 things on my list of resolutions really covers a lot. a lot of the things overlap.
1. focus on my 43 things. i have even started a blog to write about what i'm working on and where i am at. i haven't been good about keeping up with said blog, but one of my resolutions related to my 43 things will to be blog about them.
2. lose ALL the weight i have put back on. i want to be skinny again. i am unhappy being fat (even though i'm told by others that i'm not fat, i know i am). this is difficult for me because i don't like feeling hungry. it's hard to lose weight without feeling hungry. any suggestions?
3. stick to a budget and save money. this is VERY important. i am going to start working my second job again so i can start a savings. i need to have "emergency" money and not get in desperate situations. i have a friend who helped me with a budget and outlined what he believes will work for me. i've got to stick to it. out of all my resolutions, this is probably the MOST important.
4. be successful at school. i had a rough term at the end of 2013 and didn't do the best that i could in my class (that damn depression got the better of me). that WILL NOT happen again. failure IS NOT an option. i will do well in school and get the credits i need to teach college english.
5. define what i want in a relationship and go after it. i am rethinking what a relationship needs to be and what would best fit my needs. i'm not going to go into too much right now, but i want to figure out what i want, define it, and find a partner(s) that fit into this. this can be a whole other post...
6. create a daily schedule and stick to it. between school, two jobs, and alex and his schedule things are going to be crazy. i'm going to want to work a social life in there too. so, i'm trying to create a schedule on paper that i can stick to. once i get that hammered out, the resolution is to stick to it.
since i like even numbers, i'm going to stop there. having the 43 things on my list of resolutions really covers a lot. a lot of the things overlap.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
goodbye 2013, hello 2014
i had started a post about things i won't miss in 2013. i was only able to think of 4 things, which i know can't be right. not to sound so negative, but i know that more shitty things than just 4 happened in 2013. so, i'm going to try a different approach. well kinda...
january 2013: i was still living with my parents. i was working at that horrible day care that was making me physically ill. i tried to start off the year on a positive note with resolutions and notebooks, etc, but it didn't change that life at the time sucked. also, my grandpa passed away. i miss him greatly, but the man lived a wonderful life and touched many people. he is missed by all, but i'm glad he's not suffering anymore.
february 2013: i was supposed to go see NJ. parents got mad that i would take a trip when i couldn't afford to live on my own. i didn't go to please them, but this made living there worse. on a good note, i got the job at camperoo and it saved me from that hell of a job. it put me in an office working. i miss that job and the people i worked with. i learned a lot and felt quite successful! i also started working with my writing coach. she has helped me grow so much as a writer and i really look up to her. i think with her help and my persistence, i can finish this collection.
march 2013: rodeo time! i also got to travel to SF and chicago for work (two places i had never been). i got a new tattoo in SF.
april 2013: nothing stands out (it's 5:45 AM, easy to forget something)
may 2013: pretty uneventful 37th birthday celebration--did have dinner with a good friend, but no big party or anything. things finally came together for me that we would be able to move out of my parents's house. i worked hard to get approved for an apartment. i made some super cute moving announcements and packed up my boxes and went through things at storage.
june 2013: moving day arrived! this had to be the best day of my life! :) i have never had so much energy as i did in the first week living here. i unpacked and got everything taken care of. i was (and still am) excited to have a place of our own. J and i got back together (which at the time was happy---it's only sad now because we're not together anymore). i started my writing group (which is still going). i also started my first term of grad school online, which just about kicked my ass. i ended up with an A- and i'm thankful for that.
july 2013: nothing stands out (too early, remember?)
august 2013: growing a bit restless, i applied for a high school english teaching position. never thought i would get it, but i did. i started one week before school did and worked my ass off to get everything ready. i have to say i love my students. i enjoy teaching them. there are still things about teaching i don't like (paperwork, politics, etc), but i am sure that would be found with any job. at the end of the month, i purchased a new car because mine was giving me all sorts of trouble. i put over $1K in it in a week. i couldn't keep doing that. that's almost 3 car payments.
september 2013: alex, now a 5th grader!, celebrated his 11th birthday. i was able to give him a party this year. it was a bowling party. there were like 20 kids there. it was crazy, but to see alex SO happy made everything worth it.
october 2013: i dressed up as a butterfly for halloween and enjoyed a cool party at the science museum with a good friend. my class, literary theory, was kicking my ass more than the first class. depression started to get bad. i wasn't really sure why, but i just wanted to lay in bed at night and do nothing. this set up a bad situation for me.
november 2013: J broke up with me--not because of me (i'm wonderful) but because he wasn't feeling "it" anymore. well that "new relationship high" does wear off. it's hard to keep that forever. but, whatever. i'm better now (i really am). my depression did dip to an all time low (just about as low as anyone can get). i decided a weekend away would be good for me---i went to new jersey. i also started back with online dating, which is a pain in the ass all by itself. i'm trying to take a new attitude and make it fun, but it's still frustrating getting asked by young guys (19-24) to have sex (rather bluntly).
december 2013: i started going to therapy again. it helped some. i am no longer as depressed as i was. in fact, i'm finding some energy over christmas break and hope i can keep it up once i go back to work next week. i signed up for affordable care (health insurance) and am quite pleased with the benefits i will be receiving. i made a new friend (P). he's great and i think i can learn a lot from him (about relationships and life in general). i've also met several guys online that are worthy of talking to. so, maybe there is a chance for love in 2014 (on some level--whatever that will mean for me).
looking ahead to 2014:
* new friendships (romantic and platonic)
* hanging out with old friends
* 20 year high school reunion (don't know if i'll go, but 20 years?-wow!)
* getting alex off to middle school
* continuing to better myself
* being successful in school (my online classes--i'm retaking last term's class since depression got in the way. this term--NOTHING will get in the way.
* continuing to teach my students and form relationships with them--watching them succeed
* managing my money better--finally getting out of debt and saving something
really, the possibilities are endless. there is so much that can happen in the next 6 months, it's crazy to think about. i'm going into this year with a positive attitude and the hope for great things.
january 2013: i was still living with my parents. i was working at that horrible day care that was making me physically ill. i tried to start off the year on a positive note with resolutions and notebooks, etc, but it didn't change that life at the time sucked. also, my grandpa passed away. i miss him greatly, but the man lived a wonderful life and touched many people. he is missed by all, but i'm glad he's not suffering anymore.
february 2013: i was supposed to go see NJ. parents got mad that i would take a trip when i couldn't afford to live on my own. i didn't go to please them, but this made living there worse. on a good note, i got the job at camperoo and it saved me from that hell of a job. it put me in an office working. i miss that job and the people i worked with. i learned a lot and felt quite successful! i also started working with my writing coach. she has helped me grow so much as a writer and i really look up to her. i think with her help and my persistence, i can finish this collection.
march 2013: rodeo time! i also got to travel to SF and chicago for work (two places i had never been). i got a new tattoo in SF.
april 2013: nothing stands out (it's 5:45 AM, easy to forget something)
may 2013: pretty uneventful 37th birthday celebration--did have dinner with a good friend, but no big party or anything. things finally came together for me that we would be able to move out of my parents's house. i worked hard to get approved for an apartment. i made some super cute moving announcements and packed up my boxes and went through things at storage.
june 2013: moving day arrived! this had to be the best day of my life! :) i have never had so much energy as i did in the first week living here. i unpacked and got everything taken care of. i was (and still am) excited to have a place of our own. J and i got back together (which at the time was happy---it's only sad now because we're not together anymore). i started my writing group (which is still going). i also started my first term of grad school online, which just about kicked my ass. i ended up with an A- and i'm thankful for that.
july 2013: nothing stands out (too early, remember?)
august 2013: growing a bit restless, i applied for a high school english teaching position. never thought i would get it, but i did. i started one week before school did and worked my ass off to get everything ready. i have to say i love my students. i enjoy teaching them. there are still things about teaching i don't like (paperwork, politics, etc), but i am sure that would be found with any job. at the end of the month, i purchased a new car because mine was giving me all sorts of trouble. i put over $1K in it in a week. i couldn't keep doing that. that's almost 3 car payments.
september 2013: alex, now a 5th grader!, celebrated his 11th birthday. i was able to give him a party this year. it was a bowling party. there were like 20 kids there. it was crazy, but to see alex SO happy made everything worth it.
october 2013: i dressed up as a butterfly for halloween and enjoyed a cool party at the science museum with a good friend. my class, literary theory, was kicking my ass more than the first class. depression started to get bad. i wasn't really sure why, but i just wanted to lay in bed at night and do nothing. this set up a bad situation for me.
november 2013: J broke up with me--not because of me (i'm wonderful) but because he wasn't feeling "it" anymore. well that "new relationship high" does wear off. it's hard to keep that forever. but, whatever. i'm better now (i really am). my depression did dip to an all time low (just about as low as anyone can get). i decided a weekend away would be good for me---i went to new jersey. i also started back with online dating, which is a pain in the ass all by itself. i'm trying to take a new attitude and make it fun, but it's still frustrating getting asked by young guys (19-24) to have sex (rather bluntly).
december 2013: i started going to therapy again. it helped some. i am no longer as depressed as i was. in fact, i'm finding some energy over christmas break and hope i can keep it up once i go back to work next week. i signed up for affordable care (health insurance) and am quite pleased with the benefits i will be receiving. i made a new friend (P). he's great and i think i can learn a lot from him (about relationships and life in general). i've also met several guys online that are worthy of talking to. so, maybe there is a chance for love in 2014 (on some level--whatever that will mean for me).
looking ahead to 2014:
* new friendships (romantic and platonic)
* hanging out with old friends
* 20 year high school reunion (don't know if i'll go, but 20 years?-wow!)
* getting alex off to middle school
* continuing to better myself
* being successful in school (my online classes--i'm retaking last term's class since depression got in the way. this term--NOTHING will get in the way.
* continuing to teach my students and form relationships with them--watching them succeed
* managing my money better--finally getting out of debt and saving something
really, the possibilities are endless. there is so much that can happen in the next 6 months, it's crazy to think about. i'm going into this year with a positive attitude and the hope for great things.
(next post--my resolutions)
Sunday, December 29, 2013
the garden state--part 2 (the trip)
so i went to new jersey in the middle of november. i took off friday and monday and made a long weekend out of it. my boss wasn't too happy, but i was suffocating here and had to get away. i did my best to explain that without sounding totally crazy.
i arrived in new jersey friday afternoon. NJ didn't believe i would actually get on the plane (since i had said twice before that i was going to visit and didn't). he met me at the airport. he had been tracking my flight, so he knew that we were ahead of schedule. we hugged. it was a nice reunion.
i actually managed to travel without checking a bag. that's HUGE! so, we went straight to his car and drove to jersey city. i was starving. we went to some little hole in the wall pizza place. the pizza was greasy, but it was good. we then went back to his place (which is a SUPER nice 3 bedroom apartment on a cute little street).
we hung out and relaxed friday night. just watched tv, had dinner (some italian place that delivered), and drank wine. we talked a lot about my sister (he happened to know her before knowing me). i drank A LOT of wine--a little more than a bottle. i was feeling pretty good, but also felt like it was time for bed. i asked about sleeping arrangements. we decided that two grown people could share a bed--ha ha ha! one thing led to another--we had sex--and cuddled the rest of the evening.
saturday morning: the night before hung over us. an elephant in the room so to say. i didn't bring it up though. we finally got moving and had a nice lunch in hoboken where we could look out at NYC. we talked and had fun. that night we dressed up and drove into the city for a comedy show. it was my first time to go to a show like that. it was a lot of fun. some people weren't as funny as others, but the ones that were funny were really funny! the MC was asking people in the front row where they were from. NJ spoke up (we were in the front row) that he was from jersey and i was from texas. then he (NJ) proceeded to tell the whole new york comedy club that we were dating before i could say that we were friends. dating?? news to me. he even held my hand. it was a nice feeling, but very confusing.
i tried to talk to him sunday morning about us "dating" and what was going on with us, but he wouldn't talk about it. he said he didn't know. i came home early monday morning, still not knowing what was happening and where i stood. was i supposed to be waiting for him to make a decision? were we seeing each other?
to shorten this post, let me say that i finally got an answer LAST WEEK! i just came out and asked him what was going on? he told me that he can't give me what i need right now. i thanked him for telling me. i really could go either way. he's a great friend that i don't want to lose. i would like to see more, but am i really in a position to have a relationship with him? do i really want to do the long distance thing? do i want to move to the east coast and freeze my ass off for months?
for now, it is what it is and i'm happy with that!
i arrived in new jersey friday afternoon. NJ didn't believe i would actually get on the plane (since i had said twice before that i was going to visit and didn't). he met me at the airport. he had been tracking my flight, so he knew that we were ahead of schedule. we hugged. it was a nice reunion.
i actually managed to travel without checking a bag. that's HUGE! so, we went straight to his car and drove to jersey city. i was starving. we went to some little hole in the wall pizza place. the pizza was greasy, but it was good. we then went back to his place (which is a SUPER nice 3 bedroom apartment on a cute little street).
we hung out and relaxed friday night. just watched tv, had dinner (some italian place that delivered), and drank wine. we talked a lot about my sister (he happened to know her before knowing me). i drank A LOT of wine--a little more than a bottle. i was feeling pretty good, but also felt like it was time for bed. i asked about sleeping arrangements. we decided that two grown people could share a bed--ha ha ha! one thing led to another--we had sex--and cuddled the rest of the evening.
saturday morning: the night before hung over us. an elephant in the room so to say. i didn't bring it up though. we finally got moving and had a nice lunch in hoboken where we could look out at NYC. we talked and had fun. that night we dressed up and drove into the city for a comedy show. it was my first time to go to a show like that. it was a lot of fun. some people weren't as funny as others, but the ones that were funny were really funny! the MC was asking people in the front row where they were from. NJ spoke up (we were in the front row) that he was from jersey and i was from texas. then he (NJ) proceeded to tell the whole new york comedy club that we were dating before i could say that we were friends. dating?? news to me. he even held my hand. it was a nice feeling, but very confusing.
i tried to talk to him sunday morning about us "dating" and what was going on with us, but he wouldn't talk about it. he said he didn't know. i came home early monday morning, still not knowing what was happening and where i stood. was i supposed to be waiting for him to make a decision? were we seeing each other?
to shorten this post, let me say that i finally got an answer LAST WEEK! i just came out and asked him what was going on? he told me that he can't give me what i need right now. i thanked him for telling me. i really could go either way. he's a great friend that i don't want to lose. i would like to see more, but am i really in a position to have a relationship with him? do i really want to do the long distance thing? do i want to move to the east coast and freeze my ass off for months?
for now, it is what it is and i'm happy with that!
Thursday, December 26, 2013
the garden state--part 1 (the history)
so i guess it's time i write about new jersey (the place and the guy). the guy (remember, we're calling him NJ) and i have a long history together. he used to live in texas. we met online and hooked up once. then we became good friends (without the sex) and watched movies together on a weekly basis. then sex came back into the equation. then i wanted more. he didn't. i settled for us being friends with benefits (because i settle so easily). he moved back to new jersey, where he is from. we became closer after he moved away. we'd talk on the phone and text a lot--AS FRIENDS. he was now in a relationship. he was going to get married. he pledged to always be my friend and that whenever i needed to escape my life here (esp. when living with my mom), i could visit him there.
then (could i use that word anymore??), he married and that didn't work out. it was short and not so sweet. it's not my story to tell, so i won't go into details here. at the first of this year (can't believe the year is almost over), we made plans for me to visit in february. on the morning i was supposed to leave my parents threw a HUGE fit about me going because they felt i shouldn't go on trips (even though this one was costing me $0). so i backed out last minute and cancelled my trip since i had to live under their roof.
i rescheduled with NJ for may, but then realized that alex was in school until june. i couldn't go. i did not know at the time, but that was how NJ was planning to celebrate his birthday--my visit. i also did not know at the time that he was "waiting" for me so he could see if we could have a relationship together. he liked me, but NEVER expressed this to me.
so, then J and i got back together at the beginning of june. i changed my facebook status. NJ got pissed. see, i was supposed to be "waiting" for him too. yes, i had expressed feelings for him, but he NEVER (i have to repeat that) expressed feelings back. i didn't know he was "waiting". i didn't know i was supposed to be "waiting". it was a fucked up situation. he gets pissed, unfriends me on facebook, and stops speaking to me. he totally hurt me and pissed me off beyond belief. he said we would always be friends and here he was taking away his friendship. wtf?
i don't remember when, but he added me back on facebook, and we would talk on there from time to time, but we weren't as close as we once had been. when J broke up with me and i was devastated, i remembered what NJ had said about escaping to his place when i needed to. i still had the ticket i had not used the other two times. i contacted him and he said to come on. so, i booked the flight, took off work, and packed a bag.
since the history of NJ took so long, i will post tomorrow about the trip.
then (could i use that word anymore??), he married and that didn't work out. it was short and not so sweet. it's not my story to tell, so i won't go into details here. at the first of this year (can't believe the year is almost over), we made plans for me to visit in february. on the morning i was supposed to leave my parents threw a HUGE fit about me going because they felt i shouldn't go on trips (even though this one was costing me $0). so i backed out last minute and cancelled my trip since i had to live under their roof.
i rescheduled with NJ for may, but then realized that alex was in school until june. i couldn't go. i did not know at the time, but that was how NJ was planning to celebrate his birthday--my visit. i also did not know at the time that he was "waiting" for me so he could see if we could have a relationship together. he liked me, but NEVER expressed this to me.
so, then J and i got back together at the beginning of june. i changed my facebook status. NJ got pissed. see, i was supposed to be "waiting" for him too. yes, i had expressed feelings for him, but he NEVER (i have to repeat that) expressed feelings back. i didn't know he was "waiting". i didn't know i was supposed to be "waiting". it was a fucked up situation. he gets pissed, unfriends me on facebook, and stops speaking to me. he totally hurt me and pissed me off beyond belief. he said we would always be friends and here he was taking away his friendship. wtf?
i don't remember when, but he added me back on facebook, and we would talk on there from time to time, but we weren't as close as we once had been. when J broke up with me and i was devastated, i remembered what NJ had said about escaping to his place when i needed to. i still had the ticket i had not used the other two times. i contacted him and he said to come on. so, i booked the flight, took off work, and packed a bag.
since the history of NJ took so long, i will post tomorrow about the trip.
Saturday, December 21, 2013
relationships
i've been doing a lot of thinking about relationships. i tend to be the girl who goes from relationship to relationship. i have never really just dated. i've had lots of terrible first dates with guys i've met online, but i usually just date/have a relationship with one guy at a time. i've gotten better as i have gotten older to not jump too fast and i don't HAVE to have a guy in my life (which is a pattern dating all the way back to my teenage years).
i spent some time single after brett--a good year. i spent some time single after M. but when i got out there after M, i met J and was instantly swept up in that. i recently talked with my new friend about new relationship feelings. we get this "high" when we're first into someone. it's true. i remember it with M when he was sending me flowers every week and saying all those sweet things to me. i remember it with J when we had our first few dates and there was such a connection there. i've never done drugs, but the new relationship high is amazing (esp. when paired with phenomenal sex).
i'm at a point now where what i want is shifting. i'm not sure i want to get married right now, which is ok. when i was with J and i would think about us getting married, it would scare me. why was i scared? mostly because i've lived on my own for 10 years (well, with alex), and i can't imagine sharing a space with someone else. don't get me wrong, it's great to fall asleep with someone and wake up with them, but what about the day-to-day things? if i do decide to marry again, i definitely want to live with person first. that will be the hardest adjustment for me.
ok, back to relationships. i think, and i've talked with my smart friend, that i don't have to settle down with just one person. i'm still trying to figure out what this means FOR ME, but i've got lots of love to give and can date and/or have relationships with more than one person. no, i'm not trying to become a slut or something. i'm not saying i want to sleep with every guy i meet. i am just saying that at this point, i don't want to focus on just one guy and one relationship.
now this gets a little complicated when i think about the guy in NJ (we'll just call him NJ because his name starts with a J and i wouldn't know what else to call him). i would possibly settle down with him. i've known him a while. we've been friends. we've been through some shit together. we've been more than friends. we've gone back to being just friends. it's so complicated. if he would ONLY have a conversation with me, things would get cleared up a lot faster. anyway, i would possibly do a long distance exclusive relationship with him. i may even move for him. but, since he won't talk to me about it, right now, i'm just stuck in limbo. (what happen with NJ while i was up there will be another post).
i'm not sure if i had a point in this post, but i got some things off my mind. that's all that matters! :)
i spent some time single after brett--a good year. i spent some time single after M. but when i got out there after M, i met J and was instantly swept up in that. i recently talked with my new friend about new relationship feelings. we get this "high" when we're first into someone. it's true. i remember it with M when he was sending me flowers every week and saying all those sweet things to me. i remember it with J when we had our first few dates and there was such a connection there. i've never done drugs, but the new relationship high is amazing (esp. when paired with phenomenal sex).
i'm at a point now where what i want is shifting. i'm not sure i want to get married right now, which is ok. when i was with J and i would think about us getting married, it would scare me. why was i scared? mostly because i've lived on my own for 10 years (well, with alex), and i can't imagine sharing a space with someone else. don't get me wrong, it's great to fall asleep with someone and wake up with them, but what about the day-to-day things? if i do decide to marry again, i definitely want to live with person first. that will be the hardest adjustment for me.
ok, back to relationships. i think, and i've talked with my smart friend, that i don't have to settle down with just one person. i'm still trying to figure out what this means FOR ME, but i've got lots of love to give and can date and/or have relationships with more than one person. no, i'm not trying to become a slut or something. i'm not saying i want to sleep with every guy i meet. i am just saying that at this point, i don't want to focus on just one guy and one relationship.
now this gets a little complicated when i think about the guy in NJ (we'll just call him NJ because his name starts with a J and i wouldn't know what else to call him). i would possibly settle down with him. i've known him a while. we've been friends. we've been through some shit together. we've been more than friends. we've gone back to being just friends. it's so complicated. if he would ONLY have a conversation with me, things would get cleared up a lot faster. anyway, i would possibly do a long distance exclusive relationship with him. i may even move for him. but, since he won't talk to me about it, right now, i'm just stuck in limbo. (what happen with NJ while i was up there will be another post).
i'm not sure if i had a point in this post, but i got some things off my mind. that's all that matters! :)
Monday, December 16, 2013
it's been awhile...
hello bloggers! it's been a long time! i've been depressed, busy, and overwhelmed with life. those are the times when i should come blog, but it just got to be too much.
first the bad news--J broke up with me at the beginning of november. he didn't "feel a connection" anymore. i guess that happens. it really upset me. my depression had been bad for over a month and the break-up was the icing on the cake. so, to sum up where i am... i'm single, i'm confused about a guy in NJ (story for another time), i failed my class this term because my depression just about paralyzed me into my bed, and i'm tired all the time.
but things aren't all bad. i enjoy my students every day and know that at this time i'm meant to be there. alex just got his yellow belt at martial arts. i took a fun trip to NJ (even though it caused confusion--i had a great time!) i made a new friend who challenges me intellectually and has got me thinking about relationship and life and all things that could matter. i've been hard at work on my short story collection and am exploring ways that i can travel and attend some retreats and conferences.
i've got lots i could blog about. so, i'm going to try to get back into regular blogging. i may even return with "what if wednesday" even if no one want to join in.
first the bad news--J broke up with me at the beginning of november. he didn't "feel a connection" anymore. i guess that happens. it really upset me. my depression had been bad for over a month and the break-up was the icing on the cake. so, to sum up where i am... i'm single, i'm confused about a guy in NJ (story for another time), i failed my class this term because my depression just about paralyzed me into my bed, and i'm tired all the time.
but things aren't all bad. i enjoy my students every day and know that at this time i'm meant to be there. alex just got his yellow belt at martial arts. i took a fun trip to NJ (even though it caused confusion--i had a great time!) i made a new friend who challenges me intellectually and has got me thinking about relationship and life and all things that could matter. i've been hard at work on my short story collection and am exploring ways that i can travel and attend some retreats and conferences.
i've got lots i could blog about. so, i'm going to try to get back into regular blogging. i may even return with "what if wednesday" even if no one want to join in.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
random thoughts on a lonely saturday night
* i'm addicted to pinterest! i have close to 1200 pins. it's insane! i can't stop pinning. i pin all sorts of things. i wonder if there is a support group for people like me...
* i need to find a way to diet and not feel so hungry. i am tired of being hungry all the time. i eat and eat and eat... doesn't help me lose weight. i just don't like feeling hungry.
* i love the smell of pumpkin spice! i wish the weather would cool off so i could enjoy the pumpkin smell with the cooler weather.
* J and i have exchanged the "L" word. i went first. it was hard, but i told him. it felt good to say it. it feels good when he says it to me. :)
* i spoke at the u of h take back the night event on wednesday. i told the story of my rape in 1995 and how i healed. it was empowering to get up there. the really neat part? i had strangers coming up to me, hugging me, and thanking me for sharing my story. i want to do more speaking events.
* i learn a lot of science from watching big bang theory.
* alex had a great 11th birthday party. i'm glad i was able to give him a party this year. seeing how happy he was made my day!
* i need to find a way to diet and not feel so hungry. i am tired of being hungry all the time. i eat and eat and eat... doesn't help me lose weight. i just don't like feeling hungry.
* i love the smell of pumpkin spice! i wish the weather would cool off so i could enjoy the pumpkin smell with the cooler weather.
* J and i have exchanged the "L" word. i went first. it was hard, but i told him. it felt good to say it. it feels good when he says it to me. :)
* i spoke at the u of h take back the night event on wednesday. i told the story of my rape in 1995 and how i healed. it was empowering to get up there. the really neat part? i had strangers coming up to me, hugging me, and thanking me for sharing my story. i want to do more speaking events.
* i learn a lot of science from watching big bang theory.
* alex had a great 11th birthday party. i'm glad i was able to give him a party this year. seeing how happy he was made my day!
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
short update
alex and i met J and his son at the children's museum yesterday. as usual that place was a mad house. the kids had fun though.
J and i got to talk a bit. he asked if i was angry. i told him angry was not the right emotion that i was hurt. i told him it hurt me that he didn't trust me or my feelings for him. he said he's been cheated on so many times in the past. i told him i understand that, but now i don't trust him. i told him it would take some time. i want to try to make this work. we both entered this relationship with baggage and insecurities. that makes it tough on both of us.
but deep in my heart i believe i belong with him. sure, i've thought that about other men. i know. i've been through hell following my heart with all the bad guys i've dated. but this is different (or at least i think so). when i met J last fall and we dated, i felt it then. i feel it now. we are meant to be together. if we weren't, then we wouldn't be together now.
i think all relationships are tested from time-to-time. i think with J and i our insecurities will be a battle. if it's meant to be, we'll make it through. relationships take effort though. even if it's meant to be and we belong together, i've got to put in an effort to make things work. he deactivated his account when i asked him to. hopefully this will not be an issue again. if it is, i'll deal with it then.
i only have time for this short update. i promise to get on and catch up on some blog reading and leave some comments. i also promise to tell you about my new job, how my college studies are going, and all the other new things in my life.
J and i got to talk a bit. he asked if i was angry. i told him angry was not the right emotion that i was hurt. i told him it hurt me that he didn't trust me or my feelings for him. he said he's been cheated on so many times in the past. i told him i understand that, but now i don't trust him. i told him it would take some time. i want to try to make this work. we both entered this relationship with baggage and insecurities. that makes it tough on both of us.
but deep in my heart i believe i belong with him. sure, i've thought that about other men. i know. i've been through hell following my heart with all the bad guys i've dated. but this is different (or at least i think so). when i met J last fall and we dated, i felt it then. i feel it now. we are meant to be together. if we weren't, then we wouldn't be together now.
i think all relationships are tested from time-to-time. i think with J and i our insecurities will be a battle. if it's meant to be, we'll make it through. relationships take effort though. even if it's meant to be and we belong together, i've got to put in an effort to make things work. he deactivated his account when i asked him to. hopefully this will not be an issue again. if it is, i'll deal with it then.
i only have time for this short update. i promise to get on and catch up on some blog reading and leave some comments. i also promise to tell you about my new job, how my college studies are going, and all the other new things in my life.
Monday, September 2, 2013
crushed
i know i haven't blogged in a while. i also haven't read any blogs in a while. sorry guys! my new teaching job (yes, teaching. i went back) has kept me very busy. i'm constantly writing lesson plans and reading things and trying to do a good job. things are going well so far. we've had 2 weeks of school and i feel good about things.
that is not why i'm writing at 2 AM though. i can't sleep... i'm glad it's labor day because i'd be screwed if i had to go to work with this weighing on my heart and mind. i decided to blog about it because it's what i do. i put my feelings into writing. hopefully it'll help and i'll be able to get some sleep.
things with J have been great. it's been just about 3 months that we've been back together. i've been so happy. we have so much in common and he makes me feel so good. he's supportive when i have a problem or i'm stressed out. he listens. he's caring. he's everything i could ask for in a boyfriend.
we haven't said the "l" word yet. i feel it, but am still scared to say it. but it's there. i do love him. i've known for quite some time (since we met and dated last fall) that i would marry him if he ever asked. sometimes you just know...
or i guess think you know. because in an instant, you can find something out and be filled with doubts and not know if you can trust the whole relationship anymore.
on sunday i was playing around on my computer. i was wondering when it was he sent his first email to me on the dating site in which we met. i knew it was september, but i wanted to get the date right. i had saved his original email in my account, which has been deactivated for a little longer than we've been back together (i was tired of guys wanting just sex all the time). anyway, i reactivated my account just so i could look up the date he sent that initial email to me.
come to find out---he's active on the site. in fact, he was on august 29th and there is a recent pic there. my heart hit the floor. if he is serious about me, how could he be active on a dating site? is he killing time until he finds something better? is he using me?
in true "kimberly fashion" i wanted to go psycho on his ass and tell him to fuck off. i wanted to make accusations. i wanted to cancel our plans for monday with a lame excuse that he would know as lame.
but, i decided to act like an adult. i texted him and told him i needed to talk to him. i was at my parent's house, but wanted to know a good time to call. of course this concerned him. he asked if anything was wrong. i told him yes that i wanted to ask him something, but it wasn't appropriate to do over text. i ended up going in a back bedroom and calling him.
i asked him if he was serious about me in his feelings and intentions. he said yes (sounded confused why i would question this). he asked why. i told him he was active on the dating site where we met. that he was active 3 days ago. he said that was true. (what was he going to do? deny it? i caught him. i saw his profile) his explanation was that he has been burned so many times before that even when he thinks things are going well in a relationship, he is paranoid that they will fall apart. also, he likes to check in on the other person to make sure she isn't using the dating site to meet new people (he's had this happen before).
i can understand being burned. i can understand paranoia. i can understand trust issues. but, what this did was create a whole new set of trust issues. i don't trust him or this relationship. how the hell do i know he has not been going out with other women? he said he would deactivate his account while we were on the phone, if i wanted him to. i told him that would be best because i am by no means keeping my options open and looking for anyone else.
what bothers me is this... it sounds just a bit lame. plus, when we dated before, he deactivated his account long before i did. i never noticed that he reactivated it. he mentioned it when we had lunch on june 8th when we started seeing each other again that he noticed i was not active on the site anymore.
so here i am, at 2 AM worrying. worrying that the whole relationship is a lie. feeling like i can't trust things anymore. most of all i worry that i'm just someone to keep him company until the one he really wants comes along. i am in this for the long haul. i want a future with this man. have i been totally stupid and naiive?
how do i move forward from this? how do i trust him again? how do i believe him? for all i know he's on other dating sites. for all i know there is other stuff going on. what do i do? break it off with him before he breaks it off with me?
help!
that is not why i'm writing at 2 AM though. i can't sleep... i'm glad it's labor day because i'd be screwed if i had to go to work with this weighing on my heart and mind. i decided to blog about it because it's what i do. i put my feelings into writing. hopefully it'll help and i'll be able to get some sleep.
things with J have been great. it's been just about 3 months that we've been back together. i've been so happy. we have so much in common and he makes me feel so good. he's supportive when i have a problem or i'm stressed out. he listens. he's caring. he's everything i could ask for in a boyfriend.
we haven't said the "l" word yet. i feel it, but am still scared to say it. but it's there. i do love him. i've known for quite some time (since we met and dated last fall) that i would marry him if he ever asked. sometimes you just know...
or i guess think you know. because in an instant, you can find something out and be filled with doubts and not know if you can trust the whole relationship anymore.
on sunday i was playing around on my computer. i was wondering when it was he sent his first email to me on the dating site in which we met. i knew it was september, but i wanted to get the date right. i had saved his original email in my account, which has been deactivated for a little longer than we've been back together (i was tired of guys wanting just sex all the time). anyway, i reactivated my account just so i could look up the date he sent that initial email to me.
come to find out---he's active on the site. in fact, he was on august 29th and there is a recent pic there. my heart hit the floor. if he is serious about me, how could he be active on a dating site? is he killing time until he finds something better? is he using me?
in true "kimberly fashion" i wanted to go psycho on his ass and tell him to fuck off. i wanted to make accusations. i wanted to cancel our plans for monday with a lame excuse that he would know as lame.
but, i decided to act like an adult. i texted him and told him i needed to talk to him. i was at my parent's house, but wanted to know a good time to call. of course this concerned him. he asked if anything was wrong. i told him yes that i wanted to ask him something, but it wasn't appropriate to do over text. i ended up going in a back bedroom and calling him.
i asked him if he was serious about me in his feelings and intentions. he said yes (sounded confused why i would question this). he asked why. i told him he was active on the dating site where we met. that he was active 3 days ago. he said that was true. (what was he going to do? deny it? i caught him. i saw his profile) his explanation was that he has been burned so many times before that even when he thinks things are going well in a relationship, he is paranoid that they will fall apart. also, he likes to check in on the other person to make sure she isn't using the dating site to meet new people (he's had this happen before).
i can understand being burned. i can understand paranoia. i can understand trust issues. but, what this did was create a whole new set of trust issues. i don't trust him or this relationship. how the hell do i know he has not been going out with other women? he said he would deactivate his account while we were on the phone, if i wanted him to. i told him that would be best because i am by no means keeping my options open and looking for anyone else.
what bothers me is this... it sounds just a bit lame. plus, when we dated before, he deactivated his account long before i did. i never noticed that he reactivated it. he mentioned it when we had lunch on june 8th when we started seeing each other again that he noticed i was not active on the site anymore.
so here i am, at 2 AM worrying. worrying that the whole relationship is a lie. feeling like i can't trust things anymore. most of all i worry that i'm just someone to keep him company until the one he really wants comes along. i am in this for the long haul. i want a future with this man. have i been totally stupid and naiive?
how do i move forward from this? how do i trust him again? how do i believe him? for all i know he's on other dating sites. for all i know there is other stuff going on. what do i do? break it off with him before he breaks it off with me?
help!
Monday, July 29, 2013
feelings
i hate having these intense "girly" feelings... i want to shout out to J how much i care about him and use the "L" word! that's crazy! well maybe it's not crazy, but it feels that way. life would be a lot easier if i didn't have these strong emotions.
i'm also feeling sad. not because of J. it's because of something else. but this sad feeling is just as intense as my happy feeling.
does everyone feel stuff the way i do?
i feel like i feel things to the extreme. everything is black and white--no gray areas.
while i'm talking about feelings, i feel like i'm losing my momentum in my class. there are 4 weeks left and i'm getting tired of doing homework all the time. i need to push forward and keep going. after i finish this term, i'll have about 3 weeks off before the next one. i've got to write my big research paper. i've started it, but just barely.
mostly i just feel tired. physically tired. tired of bullshit tired. emotionally tired. just tired. i need more than sleep.
i have to reassure my readers that overall, i am happy. things have really turned around for me. i just don't know what to do with all that i am feeling. any tips?
i'm also feeling sad. not because of J. it's because of something else. but this sad feeling is just as intense as my happy feeling.
does everyone feel stuff the way i do?
i feel like i feel things to the extreme. everything is black and white--no gray areas.
while i'm talking about feelings, i feel like i'm losing my momentum in my class. there are 4 weeks left and i'm getting tired of doing homework all the time. i need to push forward and keep going. after i finish this term, i'll have about 3 weeks off before the next one. i've got to write my big research paper. i've started it, but just barely.
mostly i just feel tired. physically tired. tired of bullshit tired. emotionally tired. just tired. i need more than sleep.
i have to reassure my readers that overall, i am happy. things have really turned around for me. i just don't know what to do with all that i am feeling. any tips?
Saturday, July 27, 2013
the L word
how do you know when to tell someone you love them?
it's scary thinking you could be the first to say it and the other person may not be ready to say it yet.
it also sucks waiting to say it.
if i feel it, i should say it, right? but when?
i don't want it to look cliche.
i don't want it to be at the wrong moment.
i want it to be right, for both of us.
i could really use advice here...
it's scary thinking you could be the first to say it and the other person may not be ready to say it yet.
it also sucks waiting to say it.
if i feel it, i should say it, right? but when?
i don't want it to look cliche.
i don't want it to be at the wrong moment.
i want it to be right, for both of us.
i could really use advice here...
Sunday, June 16, 2013
the next chapter...
my classes start tomorrow. i'm nervous. online classes take a lot of discipline--i can't slack off. i'm working to make schedules and lists to keep myself on track. I'm going to wake up at 6:30 to check the class and make a plan each day. i'm putting aside 2 hours most nights to work on assignments. my first paper is due 2 weeks from today. it deals with chaucer's canterbury tales, which gave me troubles in high school. i've been giving the assignment some thought. i've also been giving my final research paper some thought (it's due at the end of august). i just want to be successful.
things at the apartment are good. i've got a lot of boxes put away. i posted a bunch of stuff i want to sell on craigslist this morning. i haven't gotten any emails about my stuff. :( i think most of the stuff i don't want will end up at goodwill. i just need to finish up around here since my housewarming party is just around the corner.
things with J are going well. he has his son this week so we won't see each other until next monday. that seems so far away.
overall, i am very happy! things have fallen into place and i've got lots of reasons to smile! :)
Thursday, June 13, 2013
just because... ...i have a boyfriend!
that's right! my relationship status has changed. i am in a relationship with J! :)
i am very happy right now! like i said in my last post, everything is falling into place.
so how did it all happen?
well, if you remember, J sent an email asking me about my writing and the writing "meet-up" group i recently started. we emailed back and forth daily for about a week before he said he was going to try to come to the meeting. this made me super excited! i kept thinkinig that all this HAD to mean something.
my friends told me to stop reading into things. maybe he just wanted to be friends. maybe he was just wanting to work on his writing. a couple of days before the meeting he emailed and asked if i would be able to grab lunch after the meeting. lunch? now my head was really spinning. he said he wanted to catch up. my friends were still telling me not to read into this, but i totally was. why would he all of a sudden want to email daily for two weeks, text me randomly a few times to tell me to have a good day, and go to lunch?
the writing "meet-up" was great. i should do a post on my group. it seems that a good group of writers have joined. it was great to see J. he looked handsome and it felt nice to be near him.
then we went to lunch at escalante's.
we talked and caught up.
he mentioned that he noticed i now longer had my dating profile up on the site we originally met on. i told him why (basically the reason is because guys only want sex and i was tired of guys writing me and asking for it). we changed the topic to something else.
then he said he wanted to be direct. he said i'm very special and he has missed our time together. he understood if i didn't want to give him another chance because of having hurt feelings, but he would like to start seeing me again. we talked about it. i told him that there are no guarantees in relationships and that i know that BUT i wanted to know that he was sure he was in a different place emotionally/mentally. i told him i didn't want my diagnosis to be an issue again. we talked some more about that. he said he was in a better place and ready to give this another try. by the end we were holding hands and gazing into each other's eyes... :)
i have been on cloud 9 since then (i've been on this cloud a lot. i like it so much, i may take up permanent residency!)
i am very happy right now! like i said in my last post, everything is falling into place.
so how did it all happen?
well, if you remember, J sent an email asking me about my writing and the writing "meet-up" group i recently started. we emailed back and forth daily for about a week before he said he was going to try to come to the meeting. this made me super excited! i kept thinkinig that all this HAD to mean something.
my friends told me to stop reading into things. maybe he just wanted to be friends. maybe he was just wanting to work on his writing. a couple of days before the meeting he emailed and asked if i would be able to grab lunch after the meeting. lunch? now my head was really spinning. he said he wanted to catch up. my friends were still telling me not to read into this, but i totally was. why would he all of a sudden want to email daily for two weeks, text me randomly a few times to tell me to have a good day, and go to lunch?
the writing "meet-up" was great. i should do a post on my group. it seems that a good group of writers have joined. it was great to see J. he looked handsome and it felt nice to be near him.
then we went to lunch at escalante's.
we talked and caught up.
he mentioned that he noticed i now longer had my dating profile up on the site we originally met on. i told him why (basically the reason is because guys only want sex and i was tired of guys writing me and asking for it). we changed the topic to something else.
then he said he wanted to be direct. he said i'm very special and he has missed our time together. he understood if i didn't want to give him another chance because of having hurt feelings, but he would like to start seeing me again. we talked about it. i told him that there are no guarantees in relationships and that i know that BUT i wanted to know that he was sure he was in a different place emotionally/mentally. i told him i didn't want my diagnosis to be an issue again. we talked some more about that. he said he was in a better place and ready to give this another try. by the end we were holding hands and gazing into each other's eyes... :)
i have been on cloud 9 since then (i've been on this cloud a lot. i like it so much, i may take up permanent residency!)
linking up with lisette and catalyn today!
Monday, June 10, 2013
things are FINALLY coming together
i am on cloud nine! :) i feel like my life is FINALLY coming together. i haven't found this much happiness in a while.
-- even though i'm surrounded by boxes and junk, i've got my own place. it's a great place waking up here makes me happy!
-- even though i'm intimidated by my first assignment over the canterbury tales, i start school next week. this class is the first step toward my dream job of teaching college english.
i am happy! i am feeling good about myself and my choices! this is the life i'm meant to live!
**wondering what happened with J? why he emailed me? tune in thursday and i'll tell ya... ;)
-- even though i'm surrounded by boxes and junk, i've got my own place. it's a great place waking up here makes me happy!
-- even though i'm intimidated by my first assignment over the canterbury tales, i start school next week. this class is the first step toward my dream job of teaching college english.
i am happy! i am feeling good about myself and my choices! this is the life i'm meant to live!
**wondering what happened with J? why he emailed me? tune in thursday and i'll tell ya... ;)
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