isolation

i've been thinking about this a lot.  some of my thoughts are disjointed, but i'm going to throw them all out there to see if we can make sense of it together.

i didn't have a lot of friends growing up.  i think there are a lot of reasons for this, but i'm not sure of the exact cause.  we moved around a lot.  i was sick a lot. my mom had a drug problem, so i didn't want to invite people over.  i had a speech problem.  i wasn't good at making friends.  who the hell knows.  i guess the reason for this isn't all that important.  it's just some background info.

i was good at playing by myself.  i loved my barbies.  i played school and "house" with my sister.  i made up stories. i used my imagination.  when my asthma wasn't bad, i'd play outside and ride my bike.  i read books all the time.  i wrote.  i seemed okay with not having a lot of friends.  i was okay with being alone.

in junior high and high school i had one or two close friends who i hung out with. in high school some boyfriends were added to the mix. i was never part of the popular crowd or a big group.  i just kept one or two close friends.  i wanted to belong, but i didn't seem to have a niche.

in college, i blossomed.  i think joining the sorority brought me out of my shell.  i had found my niche.  i felt like most of my sisters were genuine friends. we liked to hang out. we became like a family.  this is customary of college relationships.  you're away from your family, so you make your own.  i miss my time in college most because we were all close in a small town and spent so much time together.

like i said though--i blossomed.  i talked to new people.  i made friends. i went out all the time. i was confident in myself. i wasn't that scared, sick little girl that no one wanted to talk to anymore.

i felt this way after graduation too.  i liked to be social.  i loved having people over.  one of my favorite things to do was throw parties. i made friends at the schools i worked with.  i organized happy hour groups.  i was confident and part of a group.

fast forward...

i think i can pinpoint change in 2009.  that was after brett broke up with me.  that was the year i suffered all those horrible losses.  i wasn't successful at work that school year. my confidence shattered at that point.  i started dealing with serious depression then. i came out of that and then M broke up with me in 2012. that's when i was living with my parents, which could only be described as hell.  i came out of that depression when i was able to move out of their house and back out on my own.  i still wasn't myself.  i still struggled with confidence. i isolated myself more.  i wasn't as social.

fast forward...

here i am on the other side of the worst depression of my life.  this time last year i didn't want to live anymore.  i'd fall asleep at night thinking that i would be totally okay if i didn't wake up the next day. the only reason i didn't hurt myself is because alex needs a mom.  i lived just for him. i spent that year keeping to myself.  i'd go to work and come home and get in bed. i'd eat my meals by myself in my room.

this past year (August-now) my life has improved.  i'm in such a better place.  it feels good to be able to say that.  i'm still lonely though.  i spend most nights at home on my couch. i eat meals with alex now.  we talk. i'm not hiding out. i'm just still lonely. i'm not sure how to be social anymore.  i'm not confident in my social interactions. i'm not sure how to be "me" anymore. i'm still withdrawn.  i don't want to be this way.

i feel like in my year of depression i alienated friends. i wasn't an easy person to be around. i know because i didn't want to be around myself. i think a lot of friendships are fizzled out, and no matter what i do, i don't think i can get them going again. i need to move on, but don't have the confidence. if i no longer have those friends, do i deserve new ones?

i lost confidence in teaching. i had two wonderful administrators work with me to help bring it back.  i didn't think i'd survive the year, but i did.  that's for a whole other post.

i'm still missing so much confidence in my life. for so long i felt like i didn't deserve good things. i felt like i wasn't capable of good things. i don't know how to get the confidence back. i don't know how to make new friends. i feel so awkward like i'm fourteen all over again.

i celebrated my birthday this year.  it was #40 (i need to post about that too). i didn't want to celebrate last year. i threw a party for myself.  i invited a lot of people and had a good turn out.  i was happy. i love planning parties. i love being part of a group. i felt a little like me again.

again, these are disjointed thoughts.  i'm not sure the point of this post.  i feel isolated from people i don't want to be isolated from.  i want to make friends, but i don't feel confident.  i want to get out and be active. i don't want to spend the summer in bed or on the couch.

has anyone ever dealt with depression? felt isolated? lonely? lost all confidence? how do you pull yourself up from all this?