rambling woman (long post)

i woke up this morning after 9 AM.  it was my first morning to sleep in and it felt good.  the problem was, i had strange dreams just before waking up.  so, i woke up feeling disoriented and confused.  i had breakfast and then made my list for the day.  i wanted to get stuff done around the here so i could stop bumping into boxes when i walk around the apartment.

guess what? i unloaded one box in my room and took out the trash.  that's it… i surfed online and watched TV.  i didn't do anything productive.  i hate days like this.  i feel guilty for being lazy.  i feel bad for losing a day.  but those feelings don't inspire change.  i'm still pretty much sitting here.  i did start setting up the desk in my room and putting some more books away.  not much to brag about.

i've been thinking about blogging all week.  i want to tell everyone about my job (which i enjoy).  i want to complain about how life continues to be a struggle (sure, nothing worth having is easy, but c'mon already!  i've paid my dues).  i also want to write about friendships, and how i feel i have lost a grasp on mine.  i'm not sure where to go with this post.

money is a huge struggle right now.  i'm making a little less than last year and seem to have more expenses.  this isn't a good combination.  i keep trying to remain positive that everything will work out, but i am starting to think i am really just in denial.  i was recently told by the principal at alex's new school, that i need to be making more money.  she said, "you have a master's after all…"  i told her i know that i could work in houston isd and make over $50K a year, but that want to be happy and not work for "the devil".  she laughed and said she understood, but i don't think she does.  some days, i don't understand myself.

i go back and forth about whether taking this job and making all these changes was a smart choice or a stupid choice.  when i'm at work and making great things happen, i feel like i did the right thing.  when i have to choose between buying food and paying my car note, i feel like a big idiot.  maybe my happiness isn't important.  maybe i'm not meant to be happy.  i am not trying to start a pity party.  maybe i have been putting too much emphasis on my happiness instead of doing the right thing.

being a mom is hard esp when you're making all the decisions.  i am trying to do right by alex and give him the opportunities he needs to be success later on in life.  it's not easy to balance my needs and his.  i feel like i've been selfish.  i also feel i've sacrificed a lot for him and it's my turn.  i keep asking why life has to be so hard.  why i can't catch a break.

then i wonder what i need to do to change my thinking.  i keep reading that if you think good things, they will happen.  i am trying to do away with negative thinking, but i am not successful.  how do you change your way of thinking after 38 years?  how do you move away from the past and only focus on the present?

i look at my friends.  i feel like we're all in different places (more than just physically being spread out across the state/country).  i feel like i've lost them at a time when i need them.  but i feel that i caused them to go.  some how i have pushed away my friends, and i didn't even realize.  i feel like we don't have anything in common anymore.  they have their families and significant others.  their houses and jobs that are able to pay the bills.  i am struggling to find myself and stay a float.  i think that since i have put myself in this position before, they are tired of picking up the pieces.  i remember my last big depression after M broke up with me.  i got lots of cards in the mail.  who does that anymore? no one sends cards--it's all about online posts.  this showed me how much i meant to my friends.  this pulled me out.  i am not sure if i am in some sort of depression again or if i'm just falling into financial ruin again.  but i feel alone.  i don't blame my friends.  my problems get old esp. to me.  i get tired of talking about myself because it's the same shit different day.

i want to be normal again.  i want to be carefree.  i want to let go of the baggage i have been carrying around most of my life.  i want to be connected to my friends and not be the burden i have become.  i used to be a good friend, but these days i feel like i'm not anymore.  i'm not even sure when this all started, but i remember writing a few months ago about my friends existing without me.  guess that's when i left the group.  i just don't remember why or how it all happened.

one of the writers of the TV show friends said that there will not be a friends reunion show or remake.  friends was about a group of 20-somethings all trying to find their place.  then they grew up and had families of their own.  they no longer needed to rely on each other to be "family" because their families were growing and developing.  i used to consider my friends my family.  we were there for each other. up until about a year ago, i was still under the delusion that we were a family and would forever be in each other's lives.  i doubt that now.  they are forming their own families.  i don't fit into that.  part of me feels like this shouldn't be possible.  i had alex and they were all part of my family.  they were esp part of my family when wayne and i divorced and it was just alex and i.  but i guess people grow and change.  maybe friendships don't last forever.  OR maybe i'm just really confused about what is happening around me.  who the hell knows…

this turned into a long post (sorry for that).  i promise i will write about my job more next time.  great things are happening there.  it makes me feel good about myself and what i'm doing.

maybe i'm doing something right...

we had to go by my mom's after i picked alex up from school (long story for another post). anyway, as we were leaving and walking out to the car, he asked me if i knew who martin luther king jr. was. i told him that i did and that i thought he was a great man. he said he thought so too. then he told me that he wanted to make a card for MLK day. i said, ok. then he said that he wanted to take it to the cemetery. i asked which one. he said where martin luther king junior is. he wants to find his grave and leave the card for him. how sweet is that?

i then had to explain that MLK is not buried here. he said, he's in washington d.c. i said, i knew that. he said that it was part of texas. i had to explain it is up north.

so we have compassion down and need to work on geography... can't win them all!

here's what happened (my 100th blog post)

wow! 100 blogs! exciting stuff. i told myself at around blog #95 or so that blog 100 would tell the story of what happened to me and brett. why is that important? well it's something major that i went through. i still feel like talking about it because i haven't finished grieving/healing. it is also important because maybe i have ghost readers (beyond my 3 followers) who read my blog and maybe they are in a similar situation. sharing can be a good thing...

...but i also have my reservations about sharing. i'm worried that my 3 followers will stop following my blog. that people will stop being my friend because of it. see the reason we broke up has a lot to do with something i did wrong. it paints me in a negative light. part of me feels that my friends (who are also my followers) will continue to be my friends/followers no matter what. part of me feels like i really fucked up and i don't see why anyone would want anything to do with me (that's the process i'm going through--forgiving myself is a big part of it).

anyway--i'm going to write this and HOPEFULLY, i'll still have readers left for post 101.

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picture this: it is the summer of 2009 and everything is coming together. brett and i just celebrated a year anniversary and he is getting ready to move to houston. everything is great and i couldn't be happier. we take a trip up to new jersey mid june for his grandfather's 90th birthday. i was so excited to meet his family and be included in such a special event.

while there my period is supposed to start, which i wasn't happy about (you probably see where this is going, but i'll keep typing). it didn't come on the day it was supposed to and i was pretty much like clock work. brett reassures me and tells me not to worry because i'm on the pill, right?

wrong. i had run out of my pills 2 months before and needed to make an appointment to see the GYN and get an exam and new pills. i had put this off until summer because i didn't want to take off work. i figured it was no big deal.

turns out it was---

i get back to houston (at this point, brett is VERY angry and barely speaking to me). i buy a package of 2 home pregnancy tests (the digital kind). i take the first one and get an "error". wtf? i go about my business (i think i had a job interview that morning) and take the other test when i get home. it says, "pregnant". OH SHIT!

i call brett and tell him, but i want to confirm it via blood test at planned parenthood. i do this the next day. that test too is positive. so what am i going to do?

basically (i can't remember all the conversations and exact words, although some of them are burned into my memory), brett says it's up to me. it's my body--my choice. most of you know how bad i am at making basic decisions, and here i was faced with a surprise pregnancy. i didn't know what the hell to do. brett said he would help with the baby, but that we would not be parenting together. that i would be pretty much on my own. wttf?, right? i sat on it for about a week going back and forth between having the baby and not having the baby. this had to be the hardest thing i had ever had to do.

well the decision i made is quiet obvious today--i decided not to have the baby (don't stop reading my blog) because he didn't want me to, and it was making him so unhappy and upset. i often regret that decision, but there is nothing i can do about it now. it is what it is. it's just something i live with each and everyday---esp. when i see so many people around me having babies.

brett got upset when i told him that i was only doing it because he wanted me too. he said it wasn't fair and that i needed to take responsibility. i was ready to take responsibility for my MAJOR mistake and have the baby. it was really complicated... i can't rehash all of it---it's too much to handle.

so he broke up with me because he said he couldn't trust me---that i had lied to him (by NOT telling him i had stopped the pill i had lied). i really thought nothing would happen (took me forever to get pregnant with alex after stopping the pill). i thought i would be fine to start back up in july. i know it sounds like i'm making excuses for myself but i really never thought i would be in that situation making that choice.

it was a miserable experience. i'm not going into the graphic details, but it was awful. something i would never want to do again. i know i survived and part of me is probably somewhat stronger because of it, but i wouldn't want to have to make the choice again or go through the procedure again. it was too awful.

so i've spent the last year blaming myself and trying to grieve the loss of the relationship and the baby. i don't know which has been worse. i think about both almost daily...

belly bump envy

that's right faithful blog readers---i want a baby. i know this is really not a secret. i've wanted one for a while now. my clock must be ticking or something. i feel like i'm surrounded by pregnant people (friends, facebook, blogs). there was a lady in front of me at the synagogue this morning that was pregnant and i so badly wanted to be her.

first i want to say---i know i have been blessed with alex and that i'm lucky to have him in my life. i know this. i also know there are people out there trying to get pregnant and i shouldn't be selfish in wanting more than one when some people are having a difficult time getting pregnant with their first. i just can't help what i feel.

i also know it sounds like i just want to be pregnant and i'm forgetting what comes at the end. well i'm not. i know that a baby comes at the end of 9 months and with a baby comes late night feedings, poopy diapers, and extreme sleep deprivation. but to me, although all that is hard, i know how rewarding it is to take care of a baby and have someone who loves you and needs you unconditionally. once again, i know i have alex, but with his 8th birthday approaching this week i realize how those days are close to gone. he's not as needy anymore and although i know he still loves me we're approaching those teenage years where the affection will lessen.

i also know (i'm pretty damn smart) that wanting to be loved is no reason to have a baby. in fact there are lots of reasons not to have babies. the wonderful feeling i get from being a mom is not the only reason i want to have a baby. i'm not really sure of my reasons, and i think that is ok. it's not like i'm in a position to have one right now. i'm missing the financial stability, plus the man to help make the baby. it's just something that is on my mind. something i'm wanting. but don't worry, i also want a million dollars and i'm not going to go out and rob a bank.

the post i'm ashamed to write

this is the first summer since we separated in 2004 that wayne has taken alex for any extended period of time. first it was 2 weeks in mid july, and then this past week they drove to california. at first i was worried about my time without alex since my whole life always revolves around him. but once i got used to the quiet house i really enjoyed it. i could come and go as i please without worrying about getting a babysitter. i could eat what i wanted, when i wanted--no one was saying, "it's five o'clock, fix my dinner." i started writing everyday (august 1st) and only missed one day during the week. i went to and from work, not worrying about anything. i went to the grocery store and bought very little food.

well now they are back. wayne sent me a text at 8 AM asking if i wanted him to bring alex to me. i was trying to sleep in. i texted back and said no. a few minutes ago alex called asking if he could come home. i had to arrange a babysitter for tomorrow (i have to work). i had to call my dad to make sure they had enough food for dinner tonite. my easy-going days have come to an end.

so why am i ashamed??? i love alex very much. i am so happy he is in my life. but i loved not having my life revolve around him. i loved taking care of just me. does this make me a terrible mother? i feel so bad about not being ready for him to come home. the guilt is weighing heavy on my shoulders and in my heart. i liked just being me and not being "mommy".

a troubled mom

there are two things concerning alex that are weighing on my mind tonite...

1. it was parent's night at his day camp tonite. we went and he was all excited to show me his song and dance that he has been working on with his group. well when they finally started the program (15 min. late) they sang songs as a whole camp. they did the basic camp songs that they've been singing for years (i worked there 2 summers ago, i knew the songs). anyway, the kids are screaming the songs (like kids do), and I look at my son and he's sitting there with his ears covered. he hates loud noises, always has, but to see him up at the front of the room covering his ears made me feel helpless. after about 10 minutes of screaming, they finally started the actual program. the songs were real cute. i was patiently waiting for alex's group to take the stage. alex left the room twice during this time. he went to leave a 3rd time and i stopped him. he said it was too loud in there for him and he wanted to go to the back of the room. i told him no because his group was sure to perform any minute. he went back to where he was and he was crying (so i felt worse). FINALLY, his group is up (last). he doesn't take the stage with the other kids. he sits on the floor next to the counselors in front of the stage. i told him to get up there, but he wouldn't. so he sat down there and sang and did the hand motions. he wouldn't join the group. i couldn't help but feel disappointment. so, i tell wayne all this. he says he thinks alex has asbergers. now, i've always thought he was somewhere on the autism spectrum, but what do i know? but wayne said that his ADHD meds are causing him to exhibit these behaviors. that's bullshit! wayne is just anti-medication. i have said since alex was very young that he was on the spectrum, but no one else seems to think so. we had him tested when we lived in Fort Bend ISD. they acted like i was crazy to think he had any form of autism. but his behaviors concern me, and my reactions to his behaviors concern me. i feel disappointment, embarrassment, and like a failure. i know this isn't about me, but i can't help what i'm feeling. i don't know what to do...

2. alex has been really angry lately. i don't know what it is. he has just been expressing a lot of anger. he did this right after my sister died. it slacked off, but seems to have come back. i don't know if it's related to that or what. i guess it could be just a phase he's going through. maybe part of getting older. i just know that i don't like it and i really wish i knew what to do about it. he said it's his "angry subconscious" doing it--that he doesn't know why he is angry. i guess this could be true, but i'm concerned. am i crazy?

mother's day

first of all, happy mother's day to all the moms who read my blog.

i have to say, i'm lucky to have alex in my life. if i didn't this would be a very depressing day. it seems like everyone around me is pregnant and expecting. i long for another baby and it somewhat depresses me that so many of my friends are pregnant. i'm happy for them--they deserve it! motherhood is the best (although challenging at times)! i just wish it were me. i'll be 34 on tuesday and it looks like my chances of having another baby are slim. i can't say it'll never happen, but all the factors that need to be there aren't there right now. i just don't see it happening. so this mother's day i am VERY thankful for my sweet alex. i've watched him grow from a tiny baby into a very active little man. he's given me 7 great years and there are so many ahead of us. i treasure the moments we've had, and if i never get the chance to have another baby, at least i've had alex and know how great it is to be a mom!