my mind is full

so much weighing on my mind today...

* i sent a text to some friends in late march/early april that said i wanted to do my birthday party on the afternoon of may 10th.  i said in order to have a private painting party, i would need 10 total guests, so i was surveying them about the date.  i got back a lot of positive response.  yes, that's mother's day weekend, but people still said they could come.  they said it wouldn't be a problem.  i put down a deposit ($250) and sent out evites.  now, with the party 2 weeks away, these same people are saying, it's mother's day (technically not until sunday, but ok).  i'm being told, well, it's my boyfriend's birthday and he wants to take me out of town (but you knew about my birthday party first).  i was told, that's the day of my company picnic, and since i'm the one planning it, i have to be there (but you knew you said you were coming to my party--why not say you can't plan the picnic for that day, OR that it's mother's day weekend, not a good weekend for a company picnic).  i'm at 7 people right now and trying to think who else i can invite.  some people still haven't responded (so rude!).  i hope i don't have to cancel last minute because i don't have enough people.

* i have an eating disorder.  don't laugh!  i was so excited that i lost all that weight after being in the hospital with my heart.  i felt good and looked good.  i was happy to see myself skinny again.  i wasn't perfect, but i was on my way there.  then... well, i can't pinpoint the moment when i started gaining weight again.  it was slow at first, but then obvious that i put back on all that weight.  it came back quicker than it came off.  i'm miserable when i weigh every morning.  i'm miserable when i take off my clothes to get in the shower.  i'm miserable when i look at the clothes in my closet that i can't wear.  i want to lose weight, but i can't.  some would say i don't want it bad enough.  that if i did, then i would do everything i could to lose the weight.  i eat for the wrong reasons.  i know this.  i eat when i'm upset.  i eat to feel happy.  i don't know how to fix this.  it's a terrible feeling.

* i have decided i'm ok with being alone.  well, i really decided that i'm tired of online dating and men being assholes.  i just don't want to deal with it right now.  maybe it's because so much is going on.  maybe i've just finally come to terms with being alone is okay.  it's like coming to terms with not having another baby.  it took some time, but i am alright with it.  i'm okay with being single.  it took a long time to get here.  it's kind of a peaceful feeling.

* my principal shocked the hell out of me yesterday.  there has been a lot of tension (maybe i created it, but her lack of response to me hasn't helped).  i assumed after several incidents that she did not want me back next year.  that is why i have been looking for a job.  i love the kids i work with, but if i'm not wanted there (or have no guarantee of a contract), then i may as well move on, right?  well, yesterday she spoke to me (doesn't happen often).  she asked if my son has gotten into a school yet.  i told her no, i'm still trying to find him a place.  she said, "you know you can bring him here next year if you want.  it won't cost anything." wtf?  that would mean she wants me to continue teaching there.  i never expected this.  i think i had to fight to keep my mouth from hanging open.  so, i've been hunting for a job and a place for alex, for nothing?  i tried to speak with her back in january about my future at the school and the fact that i had some personal things going on and would be taking a second job.  she never responded to this request for a meeting.  she ignored it.  the time that she spoke to me that month was to tell me that there were things wrong with the high school newsletter and how i needed to fix it. (it's a joint effort--why was this all on me?).  anyway, i'm all confused and conflicted now.  there are so may things wrong with that school, but i love the kids and the teachers i work with.  plus, it would be a small environment for alex to be in.

* i'm waiting to hear on this job in huntsville.  it's got me so anxious for so many reasons.  i don't quite understand what is going on with my background check.  there shouldn't be any problems with it.  if i do get a formal offer for the job, there is so much to do.  there is giving notice at this apartment (and dealing with breaking my lease).  there is finding a new apartment (all the ones i'm calling are full with no upcoming rentals in june).  there is deciding exactly where to live (the woodlands, conroe, huntsville).  there is where to send alex to school and paying for it (found the perfect school, but concerned that they don't offer a lot of financial assistance).  then there is packing, money for expenses, stress.  i'll have to get trained for the new job.  get organized.  get ready to start with summer camp right around the corner.

* i don't know if i'm in the best writing program.  there are people in my classes that are not working at the same level as me.  i know some are working ahead of me (i am not well read and can't understand any of that theory shit), but so many seem clueless.  they try to correct people on things they are wrong about.  their writing is full of mistakes itself (not content, grammar).  i just don't know if i am going to get anything out of this fiction class.  i was really looking forward to it, and now i feel let down.

* i am starting to write stories dealing with sister relationships.  guess i am starting to deal with my unresolved feelings over my own sister.  that part is good.  i feel like i'm getting some good work done. my sister has been gone 4 years.  i'm tired of my mom speaking about my sister like there weren't any problems.  now that she's gone, she didn't do any wrong.  i'm stuck here, everything i do is wrong (even when i'm doing right).  maybe it's normal for parents to do that when they lose a child.  maybe i'm still too angry with her to let things go.