goodbye 2013, hello 2014

i had started a post about things i won't miss in 2013.  i was only able to think of 4 things, which i know can't be right.  not to sound so negative, but i know that more shitty things than just 4 happened in 2013.  so, i'm going to try a different approach.  well kinda...

january 2013:  i was still living with my parents.  i was working at that horrible day care that was making me physically ill.  i tried to start off the year on a positive note with resolutions and notebooks, etc, but it didn't change that life at the time sucked.  also, my grandpa passed away.  i miss him greatly, but the man lived a wonderful life and touched many people.  he is missed by all, but i'm glad he's not suffering anymore.

february 2013: i was supposed to go see NJ.  parents got mad that i would take a trip when i couldn't afford to live on my own.  i didn't go to please them, but this made living there worse.  on a good note, i got the job at camperoo and it saved me from that hell of a job.  it put me in an office working.  i miss that job and the people i worked with.  i learned a lot and felt quite successful!  i also started working with my writing coach.  she has helped me grow so much as a writer and i really look up to her.  i think with her help and my persistence, i can finish this collection.

march 2013: rodeo time!  i also got to travel to SF and chicago for work (two places i had never been).  i got a new tattoo in SF.

april 2013: nothing stands out (it's 5:45 AM, easy to forget something)

may 2013:  pretty uneventful 37th birthday celebration--did have dinner with a good friend, but no big party or anything.  things finally came together for me that we would be able to move out of my parents's house.  i worked hard to get approved for an apartment.  i made some super cute moving announcements and packed up my boxes and went through things at storage.

june 2013: moving day arrived!  this had to be the best day of my life! :) i have never had so much energy as i did in the first week living here.  i unpacked and got everything taken care of.  i was (and still am) excited to have a place of our own.  J and i got back together (which at the time was happy---it's only sad now because we're not together anymore).  i started my writing group (which is still going).  i also started my first term of grad school online, which just about kicked my ass. i ended up with an A- and i'm thankful for that.

july 2013: nothing stands out (too early, remember?)

august 2013:  growing a bit restless, i applied for a high school english teaching position.  never thought i would get it, but i did.  i started one week before school did and worked my ass off to get everything ready.  i have to say i love my students. i enjoy teaching them.  there are still things about teaching i don't like (paperwork, politics, etc), but i am sure that would be found with any job.  at the end of the month, i purchased a new car because mine was giving me all sorts of trouble.  i put over $1K in it in a week.  i couldn't keep doing that.  that's almost 3 car payments.

september 2013:  alex, now a 5th grader!, celebrated his 11th birthday.  i was able to give him a party this year.  it was a bowling party.  there were like 20 kids there.  it was crazy, but to see alex SO happy made everything worth it.

october 2013:  i dressed up as a butterfly for halloween and enjoyed a cool party at the science museum with a good friend.  my class, literary theory, was kicking my ass more than the first class.  depression started to get bad.  i wasn't really sure why, but i just wanted to lay in bed at night and do nothing.  this set up a bad situation for me.

november 2013:  J broke up with me--not because of me (i'm wonderful) but because he wasn't feeling "it" anymore.  well that "new relationship high" does wear off.  it's hard to keep that forever. but, whatever.  i'm better now (i really am).  my depression did dip to an all time low (just about as low as anyone can get).  i decided a weekend away would be good for me---i went to new jersey.  i also started back with online dating, which is a pain in the ass all by itself.  i'm trying to take a new attitude and make it fun, but it's still frustrating getting asked by young guys (19-24) to have sex (rather bluntly).

december 2013: i started going to therapy again.  it helped some.  i am no longer as depressed as i was. in fact, i'm finding some energy over christmas break and hope i can keep it up once i go back to work next week.  i signed up for affordable care (health insurance) and am quite pleased with the benefits i will be receiving.  i made a new friend (P).  he's great and i think i can learn a lot from him (about relationships and life in general).  i've also met several guys online that are worthy of talking to.  so, maybe there is a chance for love in 2014 (on some level--whatever that will mean for me).

looking ahead to 2014:

* new friendships (romantic and platonic)
* hanging out with old friends
* 20 year high school reunion (don't know if i'll go, but 20 years?-wow!)
* getting alex off to middle school
* continuing to better myself
* being successful in school (my online classes--i'm retaking last term's class since depression got in the way.  this term--NOTHING will get in the way.
* continuing to teach my students and form relationships with them--watching them succeed
* managing my money better--finally getting out of debt and saving something

really, the possibilities are endless.  there is so much that can happen in the next 6 months, it's crazy to think about.  i'm going into this year with a positive attitude and the hope for great things.

(next post--my resolutions)

i want to be THAT woman

i want to be able to do it ALL!  by ALL i mean everything i want to do in a day.  i want the house clean, everyone fed healthy food, time to write, time to do school work, time to work productively in the office, etc.  why is that too much to ask?

i am currently working on a schedule so i try to schedule in the things i want to do.  i don't want to just talk about doing things and reaching goals--i want to do it (imagine that)!

i feel like a disappointment.  i started off so strong with my 43 things.  i haven't even opened that notebook in weeks.  i stopped writing down one good thing about every day.  i haven't written in a while.  i'm falling behind on my school work.  i'm a slacker!  (a happy slacker, but still a slacker)

how do these women have it all together.  they're so organized and juggle so many things.  i am sure there are things they want to do that they aren't getting to do, but it looks like the important stuff is done.

i've done ok with keeping the apartment clean.  i make my bed every day.  the dishes are done.  the laundry gets done every week.  so i'm not a total lazy bum.  i just want to accomplish things and follow through.  i want more hours in the day to do what i want to do.

i'm going to try to minimize distractions at work by not looking at facebook and pinterest.  i'm going to try to work harder and get more done throughout the day even though my motivation is low.  i don't feel like i'm depressed or anything.  i just feel a lack of motivation and a little restless.

if anyone has any suggestions on time management, productivity, scheduling, being THAT woman... well, leave a comment and help me improve!

to buy or not to buy?

here at life, love, & butterflies i like to ask the tough questions and tackle the big issues!  so...

between signing up for uverse and reporting my lease on rent.com, i have a whole bunch of visa gift cards.  i'm trying to decide what to do with them.  i want to do something fun.  i've narrowed it down, but i'm still open to suggestions if you think of something BETTER than these two:

OR

both are practical.  i would carry the purse everyday.  it's very function.  i would also get a lot of use out of the iPad (even though i do feel it's a little redundant since i have a macbook and an iPhone).

what would you choose???

the next chapter...

my classes start tomorrow.  i'm nervous.  online classes take a lot of discipline--i can't slack off.  i'm working to make schedules and lists to keep myself on track.  I'm going to wake up at 6:30 to check the class and make a plan each day.  i'm putting aside 2 hours most nights to work on assignments.  my first paper is due 2 weeks from today.  it deals with chaucer's canterbury tales, which gave me troubles in high school. i've been giving the assignment some thought.  i've also been giving my final research paper some thought (it's due at the end of august).  i just want to be successful.

things at the apartment are good.  i've got a lot of boxes put away.  i posted a bunch of stuff i want to sell on craigslist this morning.  i haven't gotten any emails about my stuff. :(  i think most of the stuff i don't want will end up at goodwill.  i just need to finish up around here since my housewarming party is just around the corner.

things with J are going well.  he has his son this week so we won't see each other until next monday.  that seems so far away.

overall, i am very happy!  things have fallen into place and i've got lots of reasons to smile! :)

things are FINALLY coming together

i am on cloud nine! :)  i feel like my life is FINALLY coming together.  i haven't found this much happiness in a while.

-- even though i'm surrounded by boxes and junk, i've got my own place.  it's a great place waking up here makes me happy!

-- even though i'm intimidated by my first assignment over the canterbury tales, i start school next week.  this class is the first step toward my dream job of teaching college english.

i am happy!  i am feeling good about myself and my choices!  this is the life i'm meant to live!

**wondering what happened with J?  why he emailed me?  tune in thursday and i'll tell ya... ;)

just because.... ...i am moving out tomorrow!

linking up with lisette and catalyn for their "just because" link up.

so tomorrow i am moving out of my parents house and alex and i will be on our own again.  y'all don't realize how happy this makes me.  not only will i be away from the crazy house full of negativity, but i will get a real chance to start fresh and new.

i have been looking for happiness since my divorce in 2005.  i have looked all over for it.  in relationships. in different parts of town. in different jobs.  i finally realized THIS YEAR that the happiness is going to come from within.  i need to do what makes me happy.  i need to believe that i am making good choices and that i deserve happiness.  that's why i set my 43 goals.  that is why i am doing the best i can to surround myself with positive people and things.  that is why i have decided to go for my dreams.

i'm moving out tomorrow with a plan.  i am going back to school and pursuing my dream job.  i am working hard at my current job so i can learn from it and feel successful.  i am thinking about the future and where i want alex to be (in a physical way--i want out of the city).  i feel like things are finally coming together for me and this move is the first sign that everything WILL be ok.

in related news...

...i took a SUPER cute photo for a moving announcement.  i'll post it here after my announcements go out.  i don't want to spoil the surprise for those who are going to get one.

...i am already planning my housewarming for july.  i've got a cool theme and found an awesome cake on pinterest that i'm going to try to make a reality!  i love that i will once again have a place to throw parties and have people over!

just because... ...i'm starting over!

i am beyond excited!  like super elated to the point where i want to just get up and start randomly dancing around a room.

why?

because alex and i got an apartment!  yes--we are moving out of the crazy house!  i will be so excited to be on our own again and to be away from all the negativity. 

alex told me yesterday that it ("it" beinig yesterday--wednesday, may 29, 2013) was the best day of the year so far.  poor kid!  he is so relieved to be moving away from my parents.  that's sad.  it shouldn't be that way.  but since it is, i'm glad to be able to get him away from there.  i've seen a change in him, and i don't like it.

we move NEXT WEEK!  so much to do, but i'm so excited that i'm ready to do it.  the good thing is, things are already packed up in my storage unit.  i have decided what is going and what i am going to sell.  i have also decided what i need to go through to decide what stays and what goes.  it's time to get a fresh start!

i think know we deserve it!

desperate

before i bitch, take a look around!  my blog is SO pretty!!! thanks to lisette at northern belle diaries!  she rocks!  if you're looking to redesign your blog, check her out.  she was fun to work with and i love the look of my blog!  (if you're reading this in email, go ahead and look at my blog.  it's pretty).

so, i'm very unhappy with my current living situation.  it's miserable here.  today i got told how i'm pretty much worthless.  how i've screwed up my life.  i've screwed up alex's life.  i only care about me. i was told how i need to quit this job (that i'm loving by the way) and go back to teaching.  i listened to 30 minutes about how screwed up my life is. how i'm a failure.  how i should never have gotten married.  i should never have gotten divorced.  how i spend too much time on the internet looking for dates and that my laptop should be thrown in a dumpster.  i was told i'm a child.  i was told i'm irresponsible.  i was told that i should not even dream of going out and having a life.  i need to think hard and come up with a plan to get back to teaching.  i need to think about alex and my family.  i need to stop thinking about me.

all this comes from family.  i can only imagine what my enemies say behind my back.

i need a place for alex and i.  we can't stay here.  i'll go insane.  i found a great apt, but i don't qualify.  i need a co-signer.

i hate that i'm in the place i am.  i do blame myself.  there are things i could have done differently in life.  but there are things that have happened that i wouldn't change.  there are things that wouldn't be if i wasn't in this place now.  i can't focus on the past. i need to find a way to change what is happening now.  i keep trying to tell myself that i'm not the bad person that was described to me today.  i keep trying to tell myself that i have not ruined alex's life.  i keep trying to tell myself that everything will change and i'll be ok.

i have a hard time believing myself...

i confess!

happy wednesday!  i'm linking up with catalyn again at confessions of a northern belle.

here are my confessions for this week:

* i confess that i'm looking at apartments and trying to figure out a way to pay for one.  i can't take it here anymore!

* i confess that after alex finishes 5th grade in 2014 that i want to move out of houston.  i'm tired of the city.

* i confess that i went to the rodeo on tuesday and had a fantastic time!  good food, a good friend, and gary allan is wonderful!

* i confess that i totally rocked a cowgirl hat at the rodeo!  i think i actually pulled it off (this time)!

* i confess that i get to travel with my new job, and i can't wait! first stop, san francisco!! :)