hello... it's me...

hello readers!  it's been a while... i don't know why i stopped blogging.  things in my life were really rough.  i loved my job, but i wasn't making enough money to support us.  it got so bad that some weeks groceries were a luxury item.  how messed up is that?  i should have blogged because blogging is like therapy for me.  i was just so depressed that i didn't want to talk about it.  trust me, i was doing wonderful things at work.  my boss was consistently impressed with what i was doing.  i was given extra responsibilities.  none of that could help the fact that i couldn't afford to take care of alex and me.  i felt like a failure.  during this time, my relationships with my friends also became difficult.  i pushed people away and felt all alone.  i didn't care if i lived anymore (seriously).  the only reason i am here to type this today is because i thought about alex and how i couldn't leave him without a mom.  that wouldn't be fair to him.  so, i pushed through.

so here i am.  we're living in huntsville.  i'm teaching high school english.  i am almost all caught up on my bills.  i'm working at being a better me while trying to parent a teenage boy all by myself.  trust me, when Mama Fratelli said, "Kids suck!" in the Goonies, she wasn't lying.  teenagers are hard as hell!  i deal with crazy ones all day and then come home to one.  alex is morphing into a strange creature, which is difficult to deal with.  i love him so much, but dealing with "typical teenage behaviors" out of him is not my favorite thing.

i am currently struggling with where i am in life and where i want to be.  i feel like i compromise so much to bring home a paycheck to take care of us.  i don't have time to do the things i want to do and to be the person i think i want to be.  teaching takes so much of my time and energy.  i really want more time to write and devote to other things are are important to me.  i'm working on finding a solution that makes everything possible.  the only one i've thought of so far is needing a rich husband so i don't have to work.  in reality, i don't want to be married right now.  plus, i don't want to marry for money.  so, it's unrealistic to think a rich husband would solve all my problems.

i had heart failure again in october.  it was right after alex's bar mitzvah (the night of).  my heart function (EF) was at 20%.  i was in the hospital almost a week.  it was mostly my fault. i couldn't afford all my medications, so i stopped taking them.  that experience taught me that i can never stop taking my medications.  things were improving by then, so i wanted to live.  i was scared to death that i would die and leave alex behind without me.  my health is much better as i write this.  i've lost over 15 lbs and my EF is at 50-54% (normal is 55-60%).

i'm turning 40 in 3 months!  i want to make a big celebration out of it.  one, i'll feel less old.  two, i didn't celebrate my birthday last year because i didn't even want to live.  now, i want to live and celebrate being alive and healthier.  i am working on planning a party, but it isn't easy with limited resources.

so, there's an update about where i am.  i plan to start writing on a regular basis again.  if there is anything you want to know in particular, feel free to ask.

wednesday confessions

i'm joining catalyn at think happy thoughts for wednesday confessions.  happy wednesday!

* i confess... i really hope things will warm up in NYC before i get there.  i don't like winter.

* i confess... i have not been sticking to my diet at all.  i also have not been weighing myself.  how do i get back on track?

* i confess... i don't miss my old job, and i have stopped feeling bad about not giving notice.

* i confess... i am really tired of hearing about valentine's day.  can we skip tomorrow and go right to the 15th?

* i confess... i am excited about all the possibilities in my path, but impatient to see what happens.

* i confess... once again my confessions aren't all that exciting or funny.  i need to get out more!

where do i see myself?

i hate when i am asked, esp on a job interview, where i see myself in # of years.  hell if i know.  i'm trying to make it through each day with my sanity in tact.  but yesterday i started giving it some thought.  today my grandma gave me her thoughts.  what you will see below are a rambling of the thoughts i am having.  i'm not sure how clear they will be, since it is just the beginning...

i'll start with today.  i was talking to my grandma about how much i dislike HATE my job.  she said she wants to see me doing something that i like to do where i am making enough money for alex and i to live on our own.  she would really like to see us get out of here (my parent's house).  i really want that too.  in fact, it was one of my resolutions for 2013.  i need a new job and i need out of this house.  plain and simple.

yesterday i was playing around on the internet.  i saw that texas state (in san marcos) has an MFA in creative writing program and that their program prepares you to teach college english.  i know i tried (and failed) at an MFA program before, but i don't think i'm good at distance learning where i have to be responsible for myself.  i need to attend classes and have due dates forced upon me.  i also do not need all the drama of losing my sister and job all in the same couple of months while i'm trying to go to school.

anyway, back to texas state...

their program sounds really neat.  there are a lot of "this has to happen so this can happen" before i could even do it.  alex has to finish his school.  he'll be in 5th grade next year and i don't want to put him in a new school for that final year.  so, i'll have to wait until fall of 2014 to start.  i'll also have to get accepted (not too worried about this).  i'll have to move without my parents and wayne making a huge deal (basically telling me "no, you can't go!").  i would love to live in the hill country in a small town. i would love to be back in school working toward my dream job (teaching college english and focusing on my writing).

speaking of my writing, there is so much i could do to make it a priority in my life.  the MFA program is one, but all these workshops and retreats and conferences going on around the country are another.  i need to get out there and network with writers, agents and editors.  you never know what job could happen from that (i am talking about a non-writing related job).

speaking of relocating, the friend i'm going to see in NJ said something about work if i was willing to move.  could i leave texas and live on the east coast?  who knows...

i'm trying to line something up while I look for work with the store i currently work out giving me more hours.  there is a lawyer friend of the family who may need some part-time help.  i could do the two things and look for something full time and permanent.

i know things won't happen for me if i'm sitting on my ass.  i also know they won't happen for me if i continue to work this terrible job that is making me so tired that i have no energy to do anything when i don't have to be there.

any job leads would be appreciated.  i'm willing to do almost anything...

things to worry about this week...

optimism does not come easy to me.  i'm trying really hard to find the positives, but sometimes it gets tough.  tonight a lot weighs on my heart.

here is what i'm worrying about this week:

* my grandpa

* when J will call and what he'll say

* writing my "blog for choice" blog for next monday.  the topic this year is "why are you prochoice?"

* juggling the things i HAVE to do with the things i WANT to do

* my writing.  the ideas are there, but i am having trouble making them a good story

* keeping up with my 2013 notebook.  i'm already falling behind

year in review

i decided to do a year in review post.  one because i like to look at where i've been.  two because i didn't blog for a good part of the year and need to put things somewhere to remember then.

January
--rang in the new year with M
--M moved to australia for work
--started working only at store and looking for full time work
February
--started my hiatus from blogging
March
--saw reba at houston rodeo with some great friends
--went to a wedding in the hill country (friends of M)
April
--had to move out of house and in with parents
--diagnosed with congestive heart failure
May
--celebrated 36th birthday
June
--spent a week and a half in australia.  trip of a lifetime (it meant a lot emotionally.  that's why i don't talk much about it).
July
--spent a week with alex and M on padre island.
August
--spent a wonderful weekend with some great girlfriends in the hill country
--M broke up with me over the phone from australia
--took a new full time job (still looking though)
--returned to blogging
September
--first email from J (19th)
October
--met J at starbucks and i think that was the start of something special ;)
November
--got in trouble with my mom for making plans the weekend before thanksgiving because prep needs to start the week before.  i can't believe i almost ruined thanksgiving. :oP
December
--attended my uncle Max's wedding

wow!  things can change a lot from january to december.  i know a lot more happened, but i can't remember it all.  that's why this blog is so helpful.  i can look back and remember things.

what i'm looking forward to in 2013: a new job, getting out on my own, getting closer to J, finishing my collection of short stories, maroon 5 concert, starting a new journal.

friday night blah

i hope everyone had a good thanksgiving holiday.  today was black friday, or as my company calls it, "green friday."  i didn't see as much "green" as i would have liked.  we weren't as busy as we could have been.  i think it's because we're not in a mall.

i keep thinking today is saturday.  it's throwing me off.

today alex opened his first savings account.  he was very excited.  i was impressed that he had $112 to deposit.  i'm hoping he'll learn about saving money.  i'm not good at it, but maybe he will be.

tomorrow alex has his first orthodontist appointment.  we're going to find out if he is ready for braces.  he will def need them, but it may not be time yet.  he's nervous.  i told him the first appointment is nothing to worry about.  i'm taking him to the son of the orthodontist that did my braces.

i didn't make my writing goal last week.  i had a story due last sunday, and i'm still struggling with it.  i went ahead and started the next assignment as i try to wrap up last week's.  i'm struggling with the new story because i'm not sure what direction i want to take it.  there are a lot of possibilities.  i started it a few months back.  i like what i have so far, but as i was writing my main character was becoming unlikeable.  i stopped working on that because i didn't want that to happen.  my readers have to root for her on some level.  so that is the battle i am having right now.  it is occupying a lot of time in my brain.

J and i had a nice time at the museum and on our picnic last week.  we had "the talk" about what we want and where this is going.  freaked me out a little, but since he brought it up and wanted to lay all the cards on the table that made me feel good.  we seem to be on the same page about a lot of things.  i'm working to keep this low key at the moment and not get too excited, but i do enjoy his company.  i'm anxious to see where this will go.  who knows?

my grandpa is pretty sick.  he has heart problems.  actually the same thing i have (congestive heart failure).  but now he is showing signs of confusion and memory loss.  he forgets where he is, what year it is , etc.  i'm sad because i love my grandpa so much.  i'm really hoping he'll get better soon and will be with us a few more years.  i know it's not up to me, but i'm not ready for him to go.

hanukkah starts in a couple of weeks.  i'm trying to figure out what to get alex.  i'm playing with the idea of a cell phone, but i don't know if a 10 year old really needs a cell phone.  i have my old phone from before i got my iPhone.  it's not a smart phone, but would be a good "starter phone".  i just don't know if he's ready for it and if it's a good idea.

i'm thankful for...

this is the 2012 thanksgiving edition of what i'm thankful for.  i thought i did this in 2011, but looked back and didn't. it's always important to reflect on what you have and be happy that you have it.  not everyone is so lucky.  even when i think i've hit bottom, there are still good things in life i have to remember.  (so next time, if i forget the good things, tell me to look at my blog and remind myself!).

2012 Thankful List

1. alex
2. honesty and open communication with old friends and new
3. a job, actually 2 (they're not much, but it's better than nothing)
4. my wonderful girlfriends that are always there for me
5. my family (they're crazy, but they're mine)
6. technology (my iPhone and laptop--keep me connected and sane)
7. warm showers on cold mornings
8. losing 40+ lbs. (just need new clothes now)
9. good health (had a scare earlier this year, but feeling great now)

my poor broken heart

i'm finally getting around to doing a post about my heart.  if you already know all this, i won't feel bad if you don't read it.

i moved in with my parents on april 11th.  all my belongings, except a few things, went into storage.  it was an exhausting day, so i was feeling tired.  my asthma had been bothering me for a couple of days.  i was using my inhaler a lot (i rarely use it anymore).

on april 12th i worked at the store in the morning, and i tried to finish up at my house with cleaning and getting the last few things out in the afternoon.  when i got into bed that night, i was having trouble breathing.  i had to use my inhaler.  i felt a lot of tightness/pressure in my chest when i laid down.  i would sit up and breathe a little easier.  i still thought this was my asthma. my inhaler was not helping, so i finally went to go see if one of my parents was still up.  i thought it would be best to go to the ER and have a breathing treatment.  i didn't know what else to do.

my dad got dressed, and we went to the bellaire emergency clinic.  it's a full service emergency room.  i had taken alex there once.  i told the lady in admitting that i was having an asthma attack.  they took me back right away.  i was weighed and asked a lot of questions.  they listened to my chest.  i didn't quite understand why i wasn't given a breathing treatment right away, but they ordered an x-ray and catscan. the x-ray showed that there was fluid in my lungs.  the doctor said it was my heart, but they would know more after the catscan.

my heart? wtf?  i'm 35 years old.  i don't have a heart issue.

when you're in the ER there is a lot of waiting.  they weren't even busy, but i waited a lot.  they started an IV line.  i got the catscan.  we waited some more.  my dad was pacing a lot.  i was nervous.  finally the doctor came in and said my heart was swollen and there was indeed fluid in my lungs.  he said i was going to a hospital and asked where i wanted to go.  my response?  "The best one."  more waiting for the ambulance.  during that time, i was given a drug called lasix.  it helps get the fluid out.  it causes you to go to the bathroom A LOT.  when given it by IV you start urinating right away and frequently.  it wasnt' fun.

what else wasn't fun?  the ambulance ride.  it was only about 15 min to methodist hospital, but i had to go to the bathroom SO very bad.  i went right before getting in the ambulance, but not too long after being loaded up i had to go again.  i almost didn't make it to the hospital.  i kept telling the lady i didn't want to pee in her ambulance.  long story short, i made it to the hospital and they took me right to the bathroom.

so i was admitted.  i weighed 189 lbs.

i'm not going to make this a super long post by writing a day-by-day recap.  first of all, it would be boring.  i was in the hospital a week.  second of all, i don't remember it all.

they did an echocardiogram which is an ultrasound of the heart.  my heart function was below 20%.  they wanted to do an angiogram so they could see if i had a blockage.  they had to wait to get the fluid off my lungs so i could lay flat.  it took a while to get rid of all that fluid.  i was on the lasix twice a day by IV.  they were finally able to run the test.  i did not have a blockage.  what a relief!  i was diagnosed with congestive heart failure.  my heart was not pumping correctly and was a little enlarged.  that is why my lungs filled up with fluid.

i changed my diet, which was a VERY difficult change.  i cut sodium and watched my calories when i first came home.  i'm a bit more relaxed now about it, but i have not gone back to my old ways of fast food all the time.  it has now become a treat.  i'm on 6 medications for my heart.  i found out the other day that i will be on two of those for the rest of my life.  as my heart goes back to "normal" i will get to stop taking some of the others.

i now weigh under 150 lbs.  i've lost over 40 lbs.  i look good and feel good.  i just need to get some clothes that fit!

things my mother believes to be true that are in fact false

today my mom sat me down and went on and on about everything that is wrong in my life.  she brought up everything i have ever done that she doesn't agree with.  she would bring up things and say that although i deny it or won't talk about it, she knows it to be the truth.  i am sick of that bullshit.  i am using this post to clear up a few things (no point in talking to her about it--she only believes what she wants to, no matter how many times i have told her differently).

#1 i wanted to leave wayne because i was seeing someone else

my mom brings this up every chance she gets.  she does not believe my reasons for wanting to end my marriage.  it had absolutely nothing to do with another man.  it had everything to do with me not loving wayne anymore and us wanting different things.  i know that he cared about me and would have taken care of me for the rest of my life.  that is no reason to stay married to someone.  i know i started seeing someone shortly after wayne moved out.  i know how that could look to other people.  but the decision to end my marriage came before the other man came into the picture.  i made that all on my own.  i have explained this to her several times, but she said i am lying.

#2 i no longer have my teaching certification--that is why i am not teaching

i am still a texas certified teacher.  i can teach in any school district in the state of texas.  i left the classroom because i was burnt out and depressed.  my depression was seriously interfering with my ability to do my job well.  i did not lose my job.  i made the decision to step back.  although i wanted to be a teacher my whole life, i am not totally sure that is where i belong.  i don't know if it is "my calling".  teaching is not a job you can do if your heart isn't in it.

#3 i used my retirement money to live on and stay in my house so M would have a place to sleep

ok, this one is just insane.  it didn't make any sense to me.  i stayed in the house as long as i could because i loved the house and i wanted to live on my own.  M had his own place.  i did not continue to shell out all that money just so he would have a place to stay when he came home from australia.  absurd!  i did not want to move in here.  it is hell.  some days i would rather live under a bridge than here (yes it is that bad).

#4 i cheat and eat fast food so i can get fat again and get back at M for breaking up with me

again, absurd!  i cheat and eat fast food because it tastes good.  also, i am hungry and tired and don't feel like cooking. i care about my heart and my health, but i want to live my life too.  also, why would putting weight back on (i've lost over 30 lbs) get back at M for breaking up with me?  he started seeing me when i was over 30 lbs heavier.  i am not trying to hurt or get back at anyone by eating fast food.  i am just eating it.  there is no deeper meaning.

blah

i wrote a couple of weeks ago that i was going to return to blogging, but i have not posted since then.  one reason is because i have been gone for so long and so much has happened that i don't know where to start.  the second reason is because i am lacking motivation these days.

i have been grumpy pretty much since mid-july when the problems with mark started.  i'm not ready to elaborate on all that at this point, but it has me in a very foul mood.  little things set me off.  i spend a lot of time laying in bed staring at the tv.  i don't really want to interact with others.  doing anything takes tremendous effort.  it isn't just because of mark.  i think the problems/break-up were just the straws that broke the camel's back.

i'm so unhappy with what my life has become.  in april i had to give up my house and move in with my parents.  living here sucks beyond belief for so many reasons.  the day after i moved in i had to go to the emergency room because i had chest pains and trouble breathing.  turns out i have congestive heart failure (i'll probably do a whole post devoted to this).  i am tired of having no money.  and when i say "no money" i mean that my checking account is usually at a negative amount.  it's ridiculous.  not being able to do things and go places really takes a toll on a person.

alex's birthday is this month (the 23rd).  i told him he may not be able to have a party this year because i don't think i'm going to have the money.  it breaks my heart.  birthdays are important and should be celebrated.  i'm trying to figure something out.

i'm having a difficult time making alex's tuition payments.  i have a ton of medical bills.  i no longer have food stamps.  i have to reapply, but am now working full time.  i don't know if i'll get approved again.  (i know, working full time is good news, but i'm not even really enjoying the job).  my medications are crazy expensive (i have 6 heart medications on top of my bipolar meds).

i'm lonely.  i'm miserable.  i'm grumpy.  i'm unhappy.

mid-week randoms

* M called yesterday (tuesday).  it was 2:30pm here and 4:30 am there.  it was really sweet of him to call, and i feel a little better having talked to him.

* i went to the eye doctor yesterday (tuesday).  my eyes have changed a lot since my last visit, but nothing a new pair of glasses won't fix.  now how to pay for them...

* my watch broke before i went on the cruise.  i guess i'm obsessed with knowing the time because the whole cruise i had to keep asking what time it was.  on the last night of the cruise we picked up a watch in the duty free shop for $20.  i wore it for a little over a week before i broke out in a rash.  i asked my mom if i could borrow a watch.  she gave this big clunky chanel watch.  it's nice and all, but not my style.  anyway, it's motion activated so if my arm is still for too long it will stop.  i had to reset it 3 times yesterday.  the really messed up part?  i have to keep looking at a clock to make sure my watch is correct.  totally defeats the purpose of having a watch.

* yesterday (tuesday) i had a fortune cookie.  it was empty.  this can't be a good sign...

* yesterday (tuesday--wow! -a whole lot of stuff happened yesterday) i got flowers from M.  they are purple roses, which are my favorite.  really brightened my day.

*  had a job interview today (wednesday).  it's at a childcare center doing something i'm not sure i want to do.  she wasn't even sure she could offer me full time.  they invited me back to teach a lesson to one of the classes so they could observe me.  i'm thinking about it...

* i am tired of the cold weather.  i think this is supposed to be our only cold day this week.  i like the weather when it's in the 70s.

The Good, The Bad, & The Fun

hello everyone in blog land!!  i returned today from an 8 day cruise with M.   we traveled through the western caribbean.  it was a wonderful trip!  part of me didn't want to come home...

anyway, i've broken up the highlights of the trip into 3 sections:  the good, the bad, and the fun.  i'm including bullet points (if i were to write out everything that happened in 8 days we would be here forever).

The Good

* winning $30 playing slots on day #1
* the shopping
* no sea sickness
* making new friends
* frozen drinks
* the serenity deck (peace and quiet)
* a full ice bucket (twice a day)
* cute towel animals every nite
* the food!!
* room service

The Bad

* kidney infection (got medicine from doctor on ship)
* climbing hills in belize
* the kids pushing all the buttons on the elevator
* chickening out on snorkeling
* the cold wind the first 2 days

The Fun

* swimming with dolphins
* zip-lining
* shopping
* cruise activities (games, trivia, murder mystery night, shows)
*dressing up for dinner
*couple's massage
* reading and laying out on deck
* taking professional pictures

beginning of the week randoms

* i am fighting a cold or something.  i had fever the week before last and now i've got this terrible cough.  not only that, my throat just started hurting again.  i hope i'm not sick this week.  i can't afford to be.

* waiting for maroon 5 to perform on the AMAs.  i can't get enough of them!

* i worry too much, but sometimes i have real things to worry about.  i hate worrying (whether it be over something silly or something very real).

* i'm excited about thanksgiving this week.  it should be nice.  i hope M likes my family and vise versa.

* the new muppet movie opens this week.  i'm SUPER excited.

* thinking about my sister a lot lately.  guess it is the holidays and all.  i miss her.  i don't know who to talk to about what i'm feeling.  i don't want to upset my parents, but they are probably the people who understand the most what is going on.  i still have trouble believing she is really gone.  i know she is, but i guess i am still in denial, and i don't want to believe it.  no matter how much of a pain in the ass she was, i really wish she was going to be at thanksgiving on thursday.

* M is going to watch alex for me some this week while i work.  i really hope alex behaves.  he's been a little monster lately.  well, monster is an exaggeration.  he's just been acting like a brat.  i don't know what his deal is, but i've gotta get it under control.  he's so sweet, don't know why he is acting so spoiled.

* speaking of spoiled... i was thinking of buying alex a wii for hanukkah.  he has been wanting one for a while.  i think it would be fun to have one.  i just worry because he is always on his DS.  i need to limit his video game time.  so, why would i encourage it?  such a contradiction!

monday gripes

i didn't do sunday randoms because i wrote a blog almost every day last week.  i decided that there are some things i want to bitch about.  since it's my blog, i'll go ahead and do that...

* i am SO tired of houston drivers.  i feel like i'm the only one who knows how to drive.  then again, maybe i'm the problem...

* went to the doctor today for a follow-up for the thing under my arm.  it is better, and he said it looked good (two things i already knew).  i asked him what he thinks caused it so i can stop it from ever happening again.  he had no clue and said we would never know.  that sucks because i never want to have that problem again.

* change can be good, but when you're changing things daily it is upsetting.  i need some consistency and stability.  i understand i have to be flexible--that is a huge part of what i do.  but planning and knowing what will happen next is also important.  ugg!

* everything is this world is too expensive!

* why is it that the days and weeks seem to drag, but when you turn around it is already time for the fall holidays?  on the flip side, why do somethings feel like they have been going on longer than they have.  you stop and calculate the months and it's nothing compared to what it felt like.

*  i hate when i feel ignored.  it's the worst feeling for me.  i like to be validated for what i am thinking/feeling/sharing.  can't just brush that stuff under the rug and hope it will disappear.

* saying that you will exercise and watch what you eat is easier than doing it.  the motivation is there, but the will power isn't.  wtf?

* it would be nice if someone else could fix everything for me.  if someone could just tell me what i need to do.  i'm tired of trying to figure this out. i know only i can make things better, but i've been trying to figure out for over a year what to do, and i've got nothing.

ok, enough bitching for one day.  tomorrow is a new day, and hopefully a better one!

sunday randoms (a day late)

i was too tired from my weekend to do my sunday randoms last nite, so you're getting them a day late.  no biggie--just gives me a little more to add.

* i found out this morning that my parents got ANOTHER dog.  that makes 5, yes 5!  my mom said my dad really wanted another dog so they went to the humane society and adopted one.  they didn't need another dog.  four was plenty!

* it was great to see my girls rhonda, angelica, and cynthia yesterday.  angelica's party was fun, and it was great to catch up with some of my favorite girls.

* i had a great weekend with M (decided it was ok to say that much---i didn't give any details!)

* the thing under my arm is better.  it's still there, but really small.  it is not painful anymore.

* speaking of painful, business at the store last week was SUPER slow.  i don't know why people weren't shopping, but they weren't.  it was so slow on saturday that they almost sent me home.

* i have a broken oven--i am NOT happy about it.  my landlord has not come out to look at it yet.

* i finally got all of alex's birthday invitations filled out.  i need to go by the post office today to mail them.

have a great week! :)

another edition of sunday randomness

happy sunday everyone!  this sunday is actually really cool because it is followed by a holiday!

it's nice to get some rest.  i have been working hard lately.  i hope i'm not repeating myself, but i forgot how much energy four year olds have.  my kids are great, but they do suck my energy dry.  by the end of the day all i want to do is lay on the couch and not move!  the nites i have to work at the store are tough too.  i'm so tired by 5pm when i get there that i can barely think straight.  luckily we aren't that busy in the evenings and i spend most of my time fixing panties.

i was supposed to work this weekend at the store, but was under doctor's orders to stay home.  i have a swollen lymph node under my left arm.  at least that is what the doctor thinks it is.  at first it was thought to be an infected cyst, but when he went to drain it, there was nothing to drain (i know that's gross, but it's my reality).  anyway, since he made an incision under my arm, i now have to take care of that as well as the swollen gland.  he also put me on a strong antibiotic for 15 days.  i go back in 3 weeks.  hopefully this is better soon because it has been painful!

alex's birthday party (#9--can you  believe it?) will be at chuck e cheese this year.  it's where he wanted it.  i'm doing what i can to make it happen.  i sent off for some mario brothers invitations and thank you notes from amazon.  hopefully the invites get here this week so i can send them out.  we chose a picture online for the cake.  we are going with a fireball mario.  it should look really cool.  i'll try to remember to post a pic.

nothing else really happened this week.  i've been dealing with the exhaustion of work and the pain under my arm and haven't done much else.  happy labor day and have a great week!

mid-week randoms

* i enjoy watching the family feud.  i'm going to miss it once i am working full time again.

* that's right--i'm home watching family feud as i type this.  we're still not open.  we failed an inspection today.  we may open friday, but it's looking more like monday.  she's going to keep us posted.  i hate this waiting game...

* i am going to go to hobby lobby after a nap.  i need to get some things to make alphabet bags (bags that have different things in them that start with that letter).  i'm hoping to find some deals!

* i baked a strawberry cake for alex the other night.  i've eaten more of it than him. :(

* i've finally finalized my daily schedule and lesson plans for week one.  it feels good to be done.  now i've gotta think about week two so i can get ahead.

* thanks to everyone on facebook for the information about fogo de chou.  i can't wait for my date with M on saturday nite.  once again, it's not just about the what we're doing (dinner and sherlock's), but about being with him.

* it feels nice to like someone and have them like you back!

* paternity tests on maury are so trashy!  why does maury have to come on after family feud?

* i got my first electric bill from my new electric company.  it's only $30, but service just started august 1st.  i don't understand why i'm already getting a bill.

* my right knee still hurts.  i hurt it some time in june.  it's now august.  it only hurts if i keep it bent for too long.  too stubborn and cheap to get it checked out...

health care

so i was thinking today about private health insurance.  my new job can't offer me health insurance.  i was going to keep working at the store, but i was thinking i'm going to wear myself out working 40 hours at the daycare and 12-14 hours at the store. so, why not look into private insurance?

what a f-ing joke!

because i have asthma (still have symptoms from time-to-time) and am bipolar (that's what i take meds for and need the insurance for) it's not only going to be expensive, but they want to know every little detail about everything that has ever happened to me medically.  it's bullshit!  i don't remember when i was diagnosed with asthma (sometime in 1983) and i sure as hell don't remember the doctor that diagnosed me.  the last doctor who treated me was a family friend and he treated me over the phone.  there are no medical records (shhh! don't tell).  why the fuck do they need a paper trail?

people are SO against universal health care, but i don't understand why.  why not provide care for everyone?  why not forget about pre-existing conditions (like asthma and mental health issues--hint, hint)?  why not give everyone a chance to be insured without having to pay out the ass for it?

i don't know what i'm going to do, but i'm too tired tonite to figure it out.

going to bed defeated and discouraged... :(

i wish

~ i wish i would hear back about that job already...

~ i wish i had the money to travel to NYC this summer and take a writing course...

~ i wish i could take a couple of leisure learning classes and not worry about finding childcare or taking off work...

~ i wish that it wasn't so difficult to lose weight...

~ i wish i wasn't closing two nights this week...

~ i wish i could handle graduate school of some kind right now...

~ i wish i was more motivated to write (side note: i'm getting together with a writing buddy tomorrow--hopefully great things will come from it)

~ i wish i was getting more interviews for the resumes i've sent out in case i don't get that job i REALLY want

ok, life can't be all about wishes--

~ i'm thankful that alex enjoyed his first day of cooking camp

~ i'm thankful that i haven't had an electric bill in two months because i had a huge credit (i do pay as you go electricity, so i pay a month ahead.  at 6 months they add up what you actually used vs. what you paid.  i overpaid, so i've been drawing on my huge credit!)

~ i'm thankful that we are going to galveston on sunday to eat a nice father's day dinner

~ i'm thankful for my friends

~ i'm thankful for air conditioning on HOT days (temps in the 100s this week--that's before the heat index)

~ i'm thankful for my laptop computer and the stable wireless connection i have throughout the house

~ i'm thankful for my health (not perfect, but could be worse)

~ i'm thankful for cereal, esp. when it saves me from eating ice cream

doctor's orders...

i called my doctor (psychiatrist) today to make an appointment. i haven't been sleeping well. i have no motivation. i'm lonely. i'm depressed. anyway--he didn't have an opening until next thursday. i feel like i'm suffering here, so i wait and call the answering service after hours. he is on call and calls me back.

first thing he tells me is to make sure i take one of my meds (abilify) that i have been forgetting to take at night--it will even out my moods. he then said that i have to get some sleep. i can't stay up. so he told me to take a zanax and some benadryll and make myself go to sleep. well i took the pills, but as you can see since i'm writing this blog i haven't forced sleep yet.

he then said that he thinks i'm bored and need to find stuff to do. he said i should take a trip, hang out with friends, take a class, volunteer... anything! when i explained that i take my son to camp and then come back and go to sleep, he told me that i can't come back home. i must get out of the house.

i'm just so unmotivated... i have a lot to do around the house (unpacking), but i just don't have the energy. i need something to lift my spirits, but i don't think it can be found in a pill bottle. i don't know where to find it.

he ended the conversation by telling me to call his office in the morning and tell the receptionist that i talked to him and they should work me in on thursday of this week. that would be a good thing. i am also seeing my therapist on thursday. we'll make it a mental health day!

i'll keep you posted...