hello readers! it's been a while... i don't know why i stopped blogging. things in my life were really rough. i loved my job, but i wasn't making enough money to support us. it got so bad that some weeks groceries were a luxury item. how messed up is that? i should have blogged because blogging is like therapy for me. i was just so depressed that i didn't want to talk about it. trust me, i was doing wonderful things at work. my boss was consistently impressed with what i was doing. i was given extra responsibilities. none of that could help the fact that i couldn't afford to take care of alex and me. i felt like a failure. during this time, my relationships with my friends also became difficult. i pushed people away and felt all alone. i didn't care if i lived anymore (seriously). the only reason i am here to type this today is because i thought about alex and how i couldn't leave him without a mom. that wouldn't be fair to him. so, i pushed through.
so here i am. we're living in huntsville. i'm teaching high school english. i am almost all caught up on my bills. i'm working at being a better me while trying to parent a teenage boy all by myself. trust me, when Mama Fratelli said, "Kids suck!" in the Goonies, she wasn't lying. teenagers are hard as hell! i deal with crazy ones all day and then come home to one. alex is morphing into a strange creature, which is difficult to deal with. i love him so much, but dealing with "typical teenage behaviors" out of him is not my favorite thing.
i am currently struggling with where i am in life and where i want to be. i feel like i compromise so much to bring home a paycheck to take care of us. i don't have time to do the things i want to do and to be the person i think i want to be. teaching takes so much of my time and energy. i really want more time to write and devote to other things are are important to me. i'm working on finding a solution that makes everything possible. the only one i've thought of so far is needing a rich husband so i don't have to work. in reality, i don't want to be married right now. plus, i don't want to marry for money. so, it's unrealistic to think a rich husband would solve all my problems.
i had heart failure again in october. it was right after alex's bar mitzvah (the night of). my heart function (EF) was at 20%. i was in the hospital almost a week. it was mostly my fault. i couldn't afford all my medications, so i stopped taking them. that experience taught me that i can never stop taking my medications. things were improving by then, so i wanted to live. i was scared to death that i would die and leave alex behind without me. my health is much better as i write this. i've lost over 15 lbs and my EF is at 50-54% (normal is 55-60%).
i'm turning 40 in 3 months! i want to make a big celebration out of it. one, i'll feel less old. two, i didn't celebrate my birthday last year because i didn't even want to live. now, i want to live and celebrate being alive and healthier. i am working on planning a party, but it isn't easy with limited resources.
so, there's an update about where i am. i plan to start writing on a regular basis again. if there is anything you want to know in particular, feel free to ask.
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