reflection

i'm not sure if this post is going to make sense, but my mind is full and my heart is heavy, so i've gotta get it out somewhere...

today i went to the funeral for the two people i mentioned in my last post.  i got to the synagogue around 1:30.  the service was supposed to start at 2pm.  well, it was packed.  i had to park in the shopping center across the street and walk.  when i got inside the place was full.  the sanctuary is huge and they still had to put out chairs in the room behind (usually used for parties and such).  my first thought was, "wow, these people were really loved."  my second thought, "i can only hope that this many people turn out for me when i pass."  (fucked up i know, but my thoughts get even crazier--just wait).

so the rabbis spoke and then family members spoke.  i cried the whole time.  they said such beautiful things about these two people.  two people that were taken from the earth too soon.  they talked a lot about the kids and how we had to be there (as a community) for them.  they also talked about the lives that these two people had led.  wonderful lives.  full of friends, great family, organizations, jobs they loved, a happy marriage, etc.

so when people die we usually reflect upon our own lives.  i don't think that is all that crazy.  hearing about two people being taken so suddenly really makes you think about how short life is and how you need to enjoy every moment.

so my point of this post?  i'm not entirely happy with the life i have led.  i haven't done everything i've wanted to do.  i have not lived my life to the fullest.  i sat there listening to all the things the woman had done with her life and all the things she did on a day-to-day basis and i felt ashamed.  she was only 40 (five years old than me) and she had done and lived so much.  same with her husband.  he was 41 and had just told the rabbi two weeks ago that this was "his time" and that everything was great.

so do i have to wait for my 40s for things to get better?

i feel that i need to make changes in my life.  i have to follow through more.  i have to build that close group of friends and keep them close.  i have to make memories for alex.  i have to do the things i've always wanted to do.  i just don't feel i have the power to make things happen for me.  my therapist just finished telling me how negative i am (something i should start work on asap), but i don't feel like i can do it.  i feel like this is my life and there is nothing i can do to change it.  i don't feel like i deserve the things i want (see, told you it would get more fucked up).

i guess first step would be to change my thinking and start to believe in myself again.  the second thing would be to just start doing the things i've always wanted to do and never followed through on.

we can't make sense of why tragedies like this happen, but if we can find something good in it, then it makes it easier to deal with.  if i can change things in my life, then i would have learned something from this terrible event.  that would be a good thing.  we'll see if i can make it happen...