relationships

i've been doing a lot of thinking about relationships.  i tend to be the girl who goes from relationship to relationship.  i have never really just dated.  i've had lots of terrible first dates with guys i've met online, but i usually just date/have a relationship with one guy at a time.  i've gotten better as i have gotten older to not jump too fast and i don't HAVE to have a guy in my life (which is a pattern dating all the way back to my teenage years).

i spent some time single after brett--a good year.  i spent some time single after M.  but when i got out there after M, i met J and was instantly swept up in that.  i recently talked with my new friend about new relationship feelings.  we get this "high" when we're first into someone.  it's true.  i remember it with M when he was sending me flowers every week and saying all those sweet things to me.  i remember it with J when we had our first few dates and there was such a connection there.  i've never done drugs, but the new relationship high is amazing (esp. when paired with phenomenal sex).

i'm at a point now where what i want is shifting.  i'm not sure i want to get married right now, which is ok.  when i was with J and i would think about us getting married, it would scare me.   why was i scared?  mostly because i've lived on my own for 10 years (well, with alex), and i can't imagine sharing a space with someone else.  don't get me wrong, it's great to fall asleep with someone and wake up with them, but what about the day-to-day things?  if i do decide to marry again, i definitely want to live with person first.  that will be the hardest adjustment for me.

ok, back to relationships.  i think, and i've talked with my smart friend, that i don't have to settle down with just one person.  i'm still trying to figure out what this means FOR ME, but i've got lots of love to give and can date and/or have relationships with more than one person.  no, i'm not trying to become a slut or something.  i'm not saying i want to sleep with every guy i meet.  i am just saying that at this point, i don't want to focus on just one guy and one relationship.

now this gets a little complicated when i think about the guy in NJ (we'll just call him NJ because his name starts with a J and i wouldn't know what else to call him).  i would possibly settle down with him.  i've known him a while.  we've been friends.  we've been through some shit together.  we've been more than friends.  we've gone back to being just friends.  it's so complicated.  if he would ONLY have a conversation with me, things would get cleared up a lot faster.  anyway, i would possibly do a long distance exclusive relationship with him.  i may even move for him.  but, since he won't talk to me about it, right now, i'm just stuck in limbo. (what happen with NJ while i was up there will be another post).

i'm not sure if i had a point in this post, but i got some things off my mind.  that's all that matters! :)