changes

things are getting ready to change.  i am some-what excited by this change, but it's scary at the same time.  i was offered the job in huntsville.  i'm looking for a place to live.  i am trying to figure out everything that needs to be done.

part of me is so excited about getting out of houston and living in a different (smaller) city.  it's what i've wanted.  i've only stayed where i am now so alex could stay at the school he started at in kindergarten.  now that he is leaving the school (he's graduating--they only go up to 5th grade), i feel like i have nothing keeping me here.

part of me is nervous.  i know my family won't take it well because i am moving away from them.  they think they are helpful, but all they do is try to control  my life and criticize alex and i.  it's not helpful.  they may physically keep alex at their house while i have to go to work, but emotionally and mentally it is damaging to alex and me.

i wrote about my principal saying that i could bring alex here next year, meaning they want me back as a teacher.  this is not what they have shown me since before january.  that's why i started looking for jobs.  a small part of me, thinks i should stay.  thinks that i shouldn't make the change.  but that's the easy way out.  i should take a risk at a time where a risk can be taken.

besides that, this school is so disorganized.  all the last minute things and "secrets" (they don't like to tell the teachers what's going on, but they tell the students).  it's ridiculous.  it has been a stressful year.  not in the classroom, but having to deal with last minute changes or plans.  i love these kids, but is that enough to keep me here?  i feel like it is time for me to move on.  to get out there and do something different.  i have been wanting to work for a non-profit for some time.  this gets my foot in the door.  it's gets me experience.

i worry about alex, but i think he will be okay.  i'll take care of him as i always have.  it'll just be an adjustment.  i think the school i found for him will be good (just gotta figure out how to pay for it).  he'll make new friends.  i'll find him a new place to take martial arts.  there will be opportunities for him.  i feel like i have sacrificed for so long (which is what good mothers do), but it's time to think about what will make me happy.  i don't feel attached to anything here.  i don't have a lot of friends (m friends are spread all over the houston area).  i don't have a job i love.  i don't have a good relationship with my family.  why let these things hold me back?

i feel like i've just rambled.  i'm just so nervous about these changes.  i know deep down they will be good, but on the surface, i'm worried (esp. about what my mom will say).