a blemish

i think i've blogged about this before, so if you are bored, my feelings won't be hurt. i started thinking the last couple of days about bipolar disorder. my sister had it. i have it (i finally believe my doctor). hell, katherine zeta jones has it (in the news last week). so, why do people freak out when they hear "bipolar disorder" or "manic/depressive"? why is there such a stigma? why are people afraid of people who have been diagnosed? it's not contagious.

my sister's bipolar was different than mine for many reasons. first of all, i think i have bipolar II, which means there are fewer episodes of mania (from what i have read and understand). i also don't self medicate. my sister did with street drugs and prescription pills (not the ones for bipolar, painkillers). plus my sister often had violent episodes. i've never been violent.

when i have been manic (upon reflection i can now pinpoint those times) i have just spent too much money or made some REALLY STUPID decisions/choices. i am able to make it seem logical at the time, but the next day (or within the hour), i'll be like what the fuck was i thinking?

my doctor says i need to have someone to call when i am thinking about spending money or making a stupid choice. but who wants to admit their stupidity to others? esp. those that love you? you don't want them think you're a total idiot and stop loving you. you don't want to to admit that you want to go out and do something reckless and crazy and beg them to stop you. so what do you (i) do? just do the reckless and crazy thing and live with the regret later. well that's not totally true--i don't have much regret. i do block a lot of things out--whole sections of things that i don't want to deal with. is that unhealthy or am i just protecting myself?

ok--let me step back. i'm making the disorder sound all crazy. rereading that makes me know why people avoid bipolar people...

when we (people who have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder) take our meds, most of us are fine. when my doctor saw me a couple of weeks ago after putting me on all new meds he said I was the most level he had ever seen me (he has been seeing me since 2005). i feel calm. i feel good. a little lethargic from one of the drugs, but other than that i am happy and feeling good about facing the world. i am happy we have found a combination that works. the problem is, sometimes you find a combination and it only works for so long and then you need to start over. i don't want that day to come, but it could.

anyway, my whole reason in thinking about all the negativity that goes along with a diagnosis is because i am wondering how you deal with it in a new relationship. do you tell the person? when? what if they guess on their own and are freaked out about it (don't know for sure, but it is a theory)? how do you have these conversations? it is part of me and it's not going away. isn't part of liking me, liking all of me?

i know this has been a post where i have rambled and said some crazy things. it's just what is on my mind. it's part of learning to cope with this illness...