it's over

i heard from J.  actually, since i was so anxious about the situation and everything else in my life, i wrote him and told him just to go ahead and tell me.  i was starting to lose sleep over it.  here are some pieces of what he wrote:

I do appreciate you taking the time to give me space and allow me to think about where I want to go from here. You had expressed the desire for me to wait to contact you until Monday or afterward and I was also attempting to respect that request. Since you are approaching me with this email, though, I feel I should answer you now. I regret that I have caused you so much uncertainty and unhappiness, as I never wanted to cause you pain or make you unhappy and I feel bad that my own weakness and personal issues are a source of suffering for you.

I was hoping to find some degree of peace of mind amid the chaos of swirling emotions that I'm currently battling. I do agree that we have a lot in common and compliment each other well. I enjoy visiting with you, I enjoy reading your stories, hearing about your day, and sharing time together. I'd hate to lose those things but at the same time I feel that I'm not at a point emotionally or mentally that I can truly relax, let myself go, and be completely comfortable in the relationship. I feel that right now there are some scars that have not healed and issues that run too deep. Please understand that you are an incredible person. You are attractive, talented, and I consider myself very lucky to have gotten to be with you and to have someone like you wanting to be with me. I hope you will not take this as anything against you as the problem lies with me and my own weaknesses, scars, and insecurities. 

You deserve to be with someone wonderful and I hope that you will find the man who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated and recognize each moment with you for the treasure that it is. I'm sorry that the issues of my past and my emotional shortcoming will not allow me to be that person. If you ever want to share some of your stories with me or if there is ever anything I can do to help you with your writing, I would still like to be here for you. I will also understand if you are angry with me or the pain I have caused you is such that you would prefer to just leave me in the past. In either case, I will always hope and wish for the best for you in all things.

part of me is a skeptic.  i want to think it's more.  i don't know why i do that.  he said all those nice things about me, so why doesn't he want to be with me?  i don't get that.  M did that too.  if i am so wonderful, then why the hell are you breaking up with me?  it confuses me.

i replied to this making the offer to see my psychiatrist.  he turned that down, saying he has been down that path before with his ex.  i tried to tell him i'm not his ex, but that didn't do any good.

my major problem is that he was totally into me and everything was great before i felt that i had to share my diagnosis with him.  he said not to take it as anything against me, but if i wasn't bipolar then things would be fine.  i'm blaming myself.

i am trying to make sense of it without overanalyzing it.  it was only 3 months of my life instead of a year or longer.  the thing is since we had so much in common and had so much fun together, i felt connected to him in a way i haven't felt connected to anyone in a while.

i may just take a break from dating--it sucks!