on a break

J wants to take a break.  step back.  take some time to figure things out.

let me back up a bit...

after i wrote my 300th blog, i decided to tell J that i do have a bipolar diagnosis. i actually wrote out what i was going to say.  we had the conversation over the phone because having it in person just wasn't possible.  after i said what i had to say, the silence from the other end of the phone was terrible.  i knew it wasn't good.  he finally found some words.  he said that his ex-wife really did a number on him as far as messing up things in his life and his self-esteem.  we talked for a bit.  he asked some questions (when i was diagnosed, what medications i take).  we ended the conversation with him wanting to continue to get to know me and continue with the relationship.  i agreed to this too.

that was early december.  it made me nervous because i knew that with those words i had changed his perception of me.  now all of you know that we have continued to see each other, go on fun dates, and exchange gifts.

these past couple of weeks he has pulled back.  it's made me really nervous.  i'm not secure.  i panic.  friends kept telling me to not jump to conclusions.

i finally relaxed.

then J called last night.  it started off as a normal enough conversation.  we shared what we had done with our saturdays.  talked a little about work and our weeks.

then he dropped the bomb.  he wanted to step back and take some time to deal with the stress he has been having.

i asked if i had done or said something.

he said no, but the fact that i am bipolar and that he has had such a negative experience in the past with others is causing him some problems and he needs some time to figure out if he can deal with it.

he kept saying i'm wonderful, incredible, and someone he wants to be with.  he said these are his issues, not mine.  he wants to get past them so we can be together.  he said give him 2 weeks.  i said i would give him whatever he needed, but he had to promise to let me know either way.  he can't just disappear on me and leave me hanging.

a smart friend (who is a guy) said that if he believes that i am wonderful, incredible, and someone he wants to be with that i have nothing to worry about.  i need to give him this space and show him that i am different from his ex-wife.

another smart friend said that if he can't deal with this, then he is not the one for me.

they are both right.  it still hurts a little.  when i started talking to him in september i said it would be great to make a new friend.  i said this after we hung out some in october.  now it is january and i have decided that i really like him.

it's going to be difficult not to text or email him, but i have a lot of things i am working on to keep me busy.  i'm going to focus on me and the things i want to get done.  hopefully things will be okay once this "break" is over.  if not, there are other guys out there.  i know this.  i don't need to focus on one.  just gotta explain this to my heart...