the final chapter

i never thought i would write this post. and when i first thought about writing it a couple of weeks ago, i decided to wait because i wanted to be sure that what i was feeling was real. it seems to be real, so i'm going to go ahead and put it in print for all to read.

before i get into where i am now, i want to document the history (since a lot of it is on my myspace blog and some of my readers may not be familiar with the history). if you know the history, skip down to "the final chapter" to read the latest!

it started in october 2006. at the time i had just discovered craigslist and had become obsessed with reading the personals. i couldn't believe what people would put out there about themselves. it was crazy! one night i was reading the ads and one caught my eye. i can't remember it word for word, but the guy sounded pretty ideal. he was younger than me (24 and i was 30), so i simply sent him a message asking if he liked older women. i heard back from him the next day. age wasn't important to him. we exchanged some emails and shared myspace profiles. he was cute and i enjoyed chatting with him. he asked for my phone number and he called to set up a date. we met on a friday night at sugar land town center. we went to baker street pub. i was running late because i had to iron and was watching welcome back kotter on tv. when i got there i saw an incredibly handsome man with a bouquet of roses. we had dinner and drinks and listened to the band. he walked me to my car and asked if he could call me again. i said sure. he sent an IM when i got home (didn't wait to call). that was the start of me and brett.

we had three dates before i went to bed with him. i won't go into the details of the intimacy, but it was intense. felt like nothing i had ever felt before. maybe it was the norah jones music. maybe it was the candle light. who knows? it was an interesting experience and not like anything i had ever felt before. and it wasn't like that just the first time. or even just the second time. it was always like that. we both said that it felt like more than sex. it was almost spiritual. crazy, i know, but that's what it was.

things then went really fast. he started all this serious talk--marriage and kids. i thought he was full of shit at first, but then i started to believe him and want the same things. we always talked about what would happen when we got married and had kids. i was so caught up in this dream.

then came december. he worked retail at the time as an assistant manager. his job was stressful and he worked a lot of hours. it was a hard time for us. in fact, we didn't make it through december. he freaked out--said things got too serious too fast (hello!--he did that, not me). anyway, he broke up with me. i didn't take it well. in fact, it broke me. i don't know if it was all the broken promises of the future we were supposed to have or what, but i went crazy.

things settled down. we chatted a few times, but not much. i stalked him on myspace (his shit wasn't private). i went off on him when his status changed to "in a relationship" because he had told me he didn't want a relationship. i read his blogs. found out he was moving to killeen to be a general manager (he got his own store). so he was gone. i was living a crazy life--single and somewhat self-destructive. my heart couldn't let go.

in october of 2007 i got an instant message from him on a friday afternoon. i had just gotten home from work and was getting ready to go to a maroon 5 concert. it was out of the blue. basically, he had made a mistake and missed me. he wanted me back. i told him i wasn't sure. the pain was finally getting better. we made plans for me to go visit him up in killeen the following week so we can talk. the ride there was crazy. i felt sick to my stomach. i didn't know what would happen. the moment i saw him i melted. we hugged and just held each other. he cooked a great dinner and we talked. we both shared our feelings from the last 10 months. we still loved each other. he wanted to be with me. i wanted to be with him, but was scared of hurting again. i decided to give it a chance. we had more of that spiritual sex and stayed up most of the night talking about marriage and kids. he was sure that he wanted all that.

so round two lasted about 4 months. it was over in february shorty after we got back from a great valentine's vacation in missouri. he couldn't handle the money problems i was having (not that i wanted his money, he just didn't like the problems and couldn't deal with them). so he ran off again. once again, i didn't let him go easily. i fought it. i called him names. i totally raged. once again, he was gone... again, i stalked his myspace during this time. he was at a low point. drinking all the time and talking crazy. i worried about him. i sent him a message one june night asking how he was. he said he was drunk, but ok. i let it go. nothing i could do for him.

about a week later (june 2008) i get a text from him. then we end up on instant messenger. then we end up on the phone talking most of the night. basically, he loved me and missed me. i too loved him and missed him. i couldn't let go of him. i could never move on, no matter how hard i tried. i figured this meant that we were destined to be together. i decided to give him another change. we were back together the following week. we didn't discuss marriage and children this time. we decided to take things one day at a time.

the distance was hard on us. i made the 3 hour drive a lot. we talked just about every night. we chatted on IM. we did what we could. in december 2008 he decided to get his MBA and applied for grad schools in the houston area (partly so we could be together). ya'll know what happened next. everything was great and then i got pregnant. i terminated the pregnancy in july 2009 and that was when our relationship ended. we talked some since then. i even saw him recently (december 2010).

in all this time since he first broke up with me i couldn't get mad at him. sure, i got pissed when he broke up with me the first times and acted like a psycho, but that was more hurt than anger. i silently let him go in july 2009 because i was the one who had fucked up and there was no way to argue my way out of it. i didn't rage with the last break up. i just let it happen. i lived in denial for a long time--because he had left before and always came back. i finally accepted that he wasn't coming back, but i still desired his attention. i wanted him in my life however i could get him. i know it's crazy and totally unhealthy, but i was so in love with him that i couldn't see anything else. i couldn't get angry no matter how much i wanted to.

the final chapter

so that brings me up to now. i am finally pissed off at brett and want nothing to do with him. i went through a rough patch this last december (2010) and he had told me that i could go to him. so, when things hit rock bottom for me, i went to him. i was lost and didn't know what to do. i felt like a loser and unworthy of life. i turned to him for help. he turned me away. he said he couldn't be there for me. i felt hurt. i know he was probably the wrong person to go to, but he always understood me and was so wise with his advice. the hurt then turned to anger! why did he have to be such an asshole and kick me when i was down? why did he have to shut me out when i needed someone? he never really cared. i realized so much about him in that moment that i had failed to see all along. i don't want that in my life. i need people who give a shit about me and don't just say they will be there to appear nice. everything i had believed about him faded away. the reason i waited to write this blog is i wanted to see if the anger was real. it is! i'm finally pissed at him (it's about damn time!)!

so that's it. i believe in my heart that i will always somewhat care about him. we shared 3 years (basically) and i felt stuff with him i had never felt before. but i don't want him now. i don't even want to speak to him. i'm done! it feels good to close the book and move forward. sucks that it took so long to get that closure i needed, but it happened and it's time for the next book in my life, and i hope this one will be filled with a happy ending!