blah!

one of my least desirable qualities is my insecurity. i hate it! i want to be confident, but i worry so much about everything i say/do and expect the worst. i am working so hard right now to live in the moment and enjoy things. it's not easy to do. sometimes i am successful. sometimes, like yesterday, it's a fail!

i went out with the guy again on friday night. we had dinner at barnaby's. we had a deep conversation going back to what we talked about last week--things we wish we could go back in time and change. he talked about his last two relationships. i talked about my marriage (still not ready to talk about brett). i also talked about being raped in 1995 and how i started to resent wayne for being there and not stopping it. anyway, it was a bit of a downer dinner--real serious stuff. so then he suggested we go to dave and busters. that sounded fun! we had a great time, playing games and joking around. we didn't stay too long because i had to be up early saturday morning for a WITS meeting. we then went back to his place and watched this crazy zombie movie. after the movie we went to bed.

saturday morning my alarm went off at 7:15. i didn't want to get out of bed. not just because i was SO tired (we were up till about 3 am), but because i didn't want to leave him. i knew i wouldn't see him again over the weekend. i wanted to stay right there. i got up and got in the shower. he offered to make me some breakfast. i got ready and hung out for a bit, but had to leave. i kissed him goodbye and hugged him tight. all this time i was able to keep my mouth shut about not wanting to leave him.

after my meeting i came home and got my lap top and went up to borders (my internet was down at home). he sent me an IM. we talked. i then did something SO stupid---i told him i didn't want to leave him in the morning and that he made me smile and laugh, two things that i haven't done much of in a while. at first he sent back a smile. then he said that was a lot to share. i told him i was sorry. he said that i shouldn't lie about my feelings (if i didn't share, then i would be lying). i felt like a big dumbass. he didn't know how to respond. i told him he didn't have to. i logged off, came home near tears, and took a nap.

after i picked up alex from his play date, i sent the guy a message apologizing for freaking him out or making him feel uncomfortable with my sharing of feelings. he said he was ok. i told him i didn't want to fuck anything up. i then told him i needed reassurance that i hadn't fucked things up. he said things were fine. should be a big sigh of relief, but i'm still worried.

one, i need to keep a handle on these "girly impulses." i need to just go with the flow and live in the moment. i am spending time with a great guy who is very sweet to me when i am with him. he seems to want to continue to spend time with me. so i need to keep these feelings to myself and just let things happen. second, i need to not worry so much. he says things are fine, so they must be. but what if he doesn't want to see me again next weekend? i'll be crushed!

with all the happiness that goes with liking someone and the good feelings that go with spending time with a great guy, there comes all these feelings of worry and insecurities for me. it's always been this way. how do i overcome this?