silly me!

i spent another nite with the guy (why won't i share his name yet?). while i was having my "freak out" he was doing some clothes shopping at dillards. he kept sending me instant messages. i would reply. he wouldn't reply back. i would freak out more feeling ignored and rejected. i tried to take a nap, but couldn't fall asleep. i was hungry so i decided to get something to eat. just after i pulled back in my garage my phone rang. it was him. he wanted to know why i wasn't answering his messages. i told him i answered every one. he said he didn't get a single reply. anyway, he asks if i want to go out. (yes--ha ha!). i told him i needed to eat (since i had just picked up food). he said he would pick me up soon.

so we went out and got drunk! it was a totally crazy nite, but totally fun! we did a lot of that serious drunk talking that people do. he opened up a lot. i opened up some (i'm not ready to talk about what happened with brett yet). he talked a lot about his ex girlfriend. we talked about choices we have made in life and about regrets. i told him i have no regrets--that everything happens for a reason. he asked if i would change anything. i thought about it. i thought about being raped in 1995. i have said for years that i wouldn't change that. sure, i wish it didn't happen, but it shaped me. i thought about what happened in 2009 with brett and the baby. i wish i hadn't gone through that, but i'm beginning to think that there is a reason for that too. i may not understand why i had to go through such a big loss, but there must be some reason. anyway, i said that i wouldn't change anything, even if i could go back and change it. we talked about the movie the butterfly effect (he says the movie was a poor example, but i don't think so). so there are things he would change, but nothing i would change. i guess different people see things differently and that is ok. it was a good talk.

so this morning (afternoon) i wake up really wanting sex (blame it on all the alcohol induced sex dreams i had last nite). he asks if i am on birth control (first time this has been brought up since we started sleeping together on christmas eve). i'm truthful and tell him no. that i have been single for over a year and a half and didn't seem the need for it. i told him that i was waiting to find something on-going to get back on the pill. we have used condoms every time (he's very responsible). anyway, shortly after this discussion, my period started (great timing). so i have decided that after it is over (so next week), i'm going to get back on the pill. it is time. it looks like this is gonna go somewhere and i can't let what happened in 2009 be for nothing. i must learn from it. i almost went back on it after getting with that guy in october, but that quickly ended and i again saw no point. well now is the time!

so i'm nursing a hangover and doing laundry. have a great week everyone!