blah!

i'm not really sure why, but i'm in a "blah!" mood.  actually, i think it's worse than blah.  it's more like aggravated and pissed off.  not really sure why.  sure, i can think of some petty things that may be bothering me, but they are not at the source of this foul mood.  i hate feeling this way because i feel like i'll snap at any moment at someone who hasn't really done anything wrong.  then something minor will be blown way out of proportion.  then i'll have to apologize because i look like a jackass.  why oh why does shit like this happen?  what am i so upset about?  why can't i just be happy?

i know part of this is stress.  i'm under huge amounts right now with this job thing.  i'm on a timeline, and i'm afraid i'm not gonna make it.  it'll probably take a miracle.  i'm going to a workshop at jewish family services on how to market yourself and search for a job.  i'm hoping some huge lightbulb comes on for me.  i'm hoping doors will open.  i'm hoping i'll walk away with one good thing that will help me on this hunt for a job that will make me happy and money all at one time.

maybe i'm naiive to think that you should like going to work.  maybe i should have just stayed with something that made me totally miserable just because it delivered a paycheck.  but the thing is, you can't "fake" being a teacher.  you have to be on your toes 24/7 for 187 days.  it's not a job you can do when you are totally depressed and/or miserable with the all that goes with the job.  i know it's what i always wanted to do growing up, but teaching turned out to be so much political bullshit.  it's not for me.  i need something that makes me happy.  i told my therapist the other day that i don't have the confidence to get in front of a classroom of children again.  it makes  me anxious to just think about it.  i can't do it.  whatever i had in me that made me a good teacher left.  i do feel that i can get in front of a group of adults and train/teach them.  managing a group of adults is totally different than having to manage a group of children.  and it's not that i don't like kids.  it's just that there are so many factors that make classroom management a huge issue.  it didn't used to be, but it is now.

i know i sound like a big baby, but life just isn't fair.  i know i should stop bitching about it and make something happen, but i don't know how to make something happen.  all i want, and it's simple, is to be happy.  i really don't think that is asking too much, but sometimes (like right now) i feel like it is.  like me and happiness don't belong together.  and maybe i'm just throwing myself a big "pity party" right now, but i believe this shit.  i believe that things aren't meant to work out for me.  i believe that everything i do is meant to be a struggle and have something go the wrong way.

to top it off, i'm lonely.  now, that's my own damn fault.  i  know it is, and i'm the only one who can do something about it.  i'm going to make more of an effort in this department, but i make no promises.

so, to sum up this rambling post, i pretty much hate life right now...

...but a part of me is hopeful that this week will bring something that i need to get over this hump.