my story

i just finished reading crash into me by liz seccuro. she wrote about her rape and how she tried to get justice. seccuro was raped at a college fraternity party at the age of 17 in 1984. she had never met her attacker before. she was served a suspicious drink and became disoriented. she remembered her attack. she blacked out. heard people in the room with her and then blacked out again. when she awoke the next morning she was wrapped in a bloody sheet. she gathered her clothes and walked to the nearby hospital she was told that she would have to go to another city to get a rape kit because the hospital did not have the materials needed. she went back to her dorm and showered. she ended up going to the dean of the school and the university police, but nothing was ever done. she was discouraged by the dean to go to the city police. against her parents' wishes, she stayed at the university and graduated. in 2005 she received a letter at her home address from the man that raped her. he wanted forgiveness. this shook up her whole world. she no longer felt safe. she emailed him a few times and decided to go to the police (there is no statue of limitations in Virginia). long story short, charges were pressed, he was arrested, and it went before a grand jury. right before going to trial, the man entered a guilty plea for a lesser charge and sentence. he also said that he was not the only one who raped her that night. two other fraternity guys also had a turn. she was shocked! very few people would cooperate and none of the others would admit their guilt. the man who had been arrested received a very light sentence and only served six months in jail. he is now a free man. seccuro is now a victim's rights activist and speaker. her story was quite inspirational.

WARNING: you may want to stop reading now. i am going to write my story. i won't be hurt if you don't want to read it. i'm writing it mostly for me. i know it is not easy to read about rape. also, some of you who read my blog lived through part of this experience with me. just because i feel i need to relive it now and record the events does not mean you have to relive it with me.

it was a saturday in october 1995. i was 19 years old. since it was the weekend, there weren't too many people in town. i went to school at a "suitcase" college. everyone left for the weekend. i enjoyed hanging out in town with my friends. that weekend a lot of my friends had plans. even the guy i was kinda seeing was out of town for some reason. an old friend from high school came and saw me that afternoon. it was great to hang out with her. i told her i planned on going to this club that night. she said she would go with me, but since she had only come for the day, she didn't have any clean underwear with her. she left town to go get some, but never returned. (side note: she had a controlling boyfriend at the time and i feel he had a lot to do with her not coming back. besides, leaving to get clean underwear sounds so silly, but that was her excuse).

i got ready and walked over the club that night. it was about a block from my dorm. i wore jeans and a (striped?) shirt. it was dollar night at the club and i hoped that i would find someone over 21 to buy me drinks. lucky me! i ran into a group of guys that i knew. they were all in the same fraternity and my sorority often hung out with these guys. it was mostly the pledges that were at the bar, but there were a couple of other members there. i mostly knew the pledges so i mostly hung with them. one of the guys was over 21 and he bought my drinks. it was dollar night so drinks were cheap and i drank a lot. i laughed and danced and had a good time. i even started talking to one of the guys--he was cute and seemed interested.

when it was time to leave the group (i was the only girl) decided to go to an after party. i was literally carried to the car. i was told we were going to stop to pick up another guy before going to the party. whatever! i was along for the ride!

the guy lived in one of the old houses in town. i had been there before for a party. when you entered you had to walk upstairs to get to the house part. i don't remember too much of this time. we were just hanging around and i was probably impatient wanting to get to the party. next thing i do remember was one of the guys (an alumni who i was not friendly with) pulled me onto his lap. another guy (an active member who was slimy and i tried to stay away from) pulled out a video camera. they tried to get me to kiss the guy whose lap i sat on for the camera. i clearly said no that i was not going to kiss anyone, but i would tell a story to the camera (ok, it wasn't too clear. it was a little slurred, but i did say i wasn't going to do it). next thing i know, he's kissing and groping me. my shirt and bra are removed. at some point i left my body. i couldn't believe this was happening and i couldn't stop it. i thought this went on for a mere 15 minutes, but later found out it was close to an hour.

i was then pushed into a bedroom. we were alone. he undressed me the rest of the way. he was on top of me. he entered me. i again felt like i left my body and was watching the scene unfold. i started to cry at some point. this upset him and he stopped. he left the room. i passed out for a while. i woke up--thought about jumping out the window and running away from this awful place, but my shirt was still in the other room. plus, i was on the 2nd floor and did not know how safely i could jump out a window. i passed back out for a while.

when i woke up, i found my underwear and jeans and put them on. i went out to the living room and collected my shirt. a couple of the guys were just sitting around. the guy who raped me said he would drive me back to my dorm. he even insisted on a goodnight kiss when he dropped me off. i was in shock. i tried calling one of the guys who had been there (the one who bought my drinks for me), but his line was busy. i called a couple of the other guys who had been there. they happened to live right across the street. they told me that when things started they left and went outside. they were upset at what was happening. they called another brother over and tried to get things stopped. a group of these guys who felt what was happening was wrong stood out in the driveway while i was raped. after they told me what happened, we then sat in their dorm lobby and watched disney's aladdin. i didn't want to be alone. i was trying to process what had just happened. i went back to my dorm and took a very hot shower. i then called up the guy who raped me. he was staying at the guy's house that we had been at. i told him that what happened was a mistake and that it shouldn't have happened. this really pissed him off. he threatened me to never say that again. we hung up. i finally slept (it was close to 7 AM), but it was not good sleep.

i remember getting up sunday morning and calling my sorority sister to tell her what happened. she happened to be dating one of the guys in the fraternity, but they had done something else saturday night. i walked to the fraternity house where she was at and told her, her boyfriend, and other brother that was there what happened. i don't remember what they said or what happened to the rest of sunday.

monday night came and i didn't go to my sorority meeting. instead i called a local crisis hotline and talked to someone. i was going crazy on the inside. the woman i talked to encouraged me to go to the police. most of my sorority sisters showed up at my dorm around this time trying to figure out what was going on with me. i told them i was going to the police. they came with me for support. we made a stop on the way to the police station that we probably shouldn't have made. we stopped at the fraternity house because one of my sisters was dating one on the guys that lived there. it just so happened that she had seen the business card of the guy who raped me in his room. since the guy who raped me had graduated and lived out of town, this would be useful information for the police. unfortunately for us, my sister's boyfriend hadn't gone to the meeting that night and was at home. he found out where we were going and alerted the other guys (more on that in a moment).

going to the police was difficult, but i had a bunch of girls by my side. the detective who took my statement was very nice. it was hard to admit to underage drinking at the club (i didn't want to get in trouble) and i did my best to recall the events from saturday. there was no physical evidence because i had showered. i told him about the video and who was there that night. little did i know, there was a lot i didn't know/remember.

the guys in the fraternity entered defense mode to protect each other. they met to figure out their story (i found this part out later). the police visited the guy's house where the incident occurred. they got the video tape. they questioned the guys. i was in touch with the detective. i watched the video at the police station (twice). at the beginning of the video when i was talking you could tell that i was very intoxicated. the video was longer than 15 minutes. the sex that occurred in the bedroom was not on the tape, but there was a lot of kissing and fondling on it. the problem was i showed very little resistance. i never said the word, "No." i just said, 'uhh." the detective told me this worked against me. i should have said no, then we would have something.

at the same time i found out that there was evidence against me, there was major fallout going on. the guys i the fraternity were pissed and felt threatened by me and my sisters. they had to band together to protect their brother. one guy who i had been friends with even went so far as to come to my dorm and explain the fraternity's motto of "love, charity, and esteem" to me and why he could no longer be friends with me, even though he did not agree with what happened. in fact, several of the guys told me that they didn't agree with what happened, but they had to stand by their brother. i was supposed to understand this. only a handful of the guys still spoke to me and i think it was out of guilt (they had been there and did nothing to stop it).

not only did i have these guys defriending me, but my own sorority sisters got caught up in the bullshit. some of the girls (mostly the pledges) felt that i had misrepresented the sorority by being raped on video. that i should not have been out drinking and hanging out with these guys. all that is true, but they were blaming me. they felt i shouldn't hold the office of vice-president anymore because i wasn't a good representative. that was devastating.

i don't remember what day it was, but within the same week that i went to the police station to press charges, i called and dropped the charges. i couldn't handle the fall-out going on all around me. i decided that i just wanted it to go away and i wanted to resume a "normal" life. i didn't want everyone mad at me. i didn't want to cause problems for anyone. i didn't want to compromise my education. plus, after the detective told me that the video didn't work in my favor, i didn't see much point in pursuing it.

that was october. i stopped going to classes. i drank a lot. i slept a lot. i was no longer myself. i was going to counseling on campus. but it didn't help much. i wanted to kill myself. i couldn't deal with the feelings of being violated or the feelings of so many people blaming me. i didn't ask to be raped, but for some reason, it was all my fault. i got a 0.69 that semester as my GPA. the number made me laugh--how fitting... i told my mom i must have partied too much. she threatened to not let me go back to school, but financial aid was paying for it and i insisted that i was going back. i never told my parents about the rape.

the spring semester was a little better for me. i took the first step to healing and wrote a poem about the rape. i showed it to one of my english professors. he was in charge of the literary magazine and wanted to publish it. i agreed, but did it anonymously. i was very proud of what i had written, but did not want to upset anyone who had been involved by putting my name on it.

time went on and things got easier. i didn't have to talk about it all the time anymore. it wasn't consuming me anymore. i would still have nightmares (in october mostly), but i felt free from it. around 2005 i had a nightmare that seemed very real. it was terrible and i had to write to get through my feelings. that was when i started my short story. it has had a couple of names, but it is now called "the journey". it is about a girl named kalle who is raped in college. she has a rough time after the rape, which she chose not to report or seek counseling, but things get easier with time. one day, she runs into her rapist and it sends he over the edge. she wants to kill herself. he friend jason points out that she is a survivor, not a victim and that she needs to change her thinking. after i started this story i stopped having nightmares. it is now 2011 and i feel healed. i am a survivor of a terrible experience, but i am here to tell about it and i am a stronger person.

there you have it--my story...