pissed!

i feel angry at the world for some reason. i really hope it is PMS. i am so grumpy and mad and i have no control over it. i have so much going through my mind, but refuse to let myself make any decisions right now because i can't see past the anger. i think i am mostly angry at myself. i think that dating/relationships/liking someone is too much for me to handle and i am going to back off for a while.

sure i see the guy every weekend and we go out and do things, but i think it means more to me than him and i don't think i can deal with that. i think i am asking too much out of life. i think my expectations are too high. i think i failed myself somewhere along the way. this is fucked up to say, but there are lots of guys who want to fuck me and not a single one who wants to love me. the line blurred for me somewhere--i often see that desire as feelings. ok, the line isn't totally blurry--i can recognize it now. i know when a guy just wants sex. i'm usually stupid enough to give it to him because i like to be closeness of sex and the physical feelings sex brings. i like the control i feel when i decide not to call him back. wow--am i fucked up!

sounds silly, but i totally blame brett for all this. when he first broke up with me in 2006 i went down this destructive road of anonymous sex--not wanting anyone to love me. then brett came back. then he left and i told myself i wouldn't go down that road again. ha! i travelled slower that time, but went down the road. when he broke up with me the final time in july 2009 i did not go down that road, but have since found the road again.

i should call my therapist, but it'll just be a lecture about how she said i shouldn't get involved with anyone--esp. just one person. i don't need her to point out my mistakes--i totally see them. i am not "girlfriend material". i need to face that and just move on with life.