doing the RIGHT thing!

i usually have a difficult time making decisions.  mostly because i don't want to do the wrong thing.  what's wrong?  well how will other people view this decision.  if it's something i want to do, then why would i be the one to think it is wrong?  i worry about how people will judge me.  i worry about how i will look.  should that matter?  shouldn't i do what i believe is right for me and then live with it?  if that is what we're supposed to do, why do we always seek out advice from others?

so my mind is swirling with two different decisions right now.  one is something i have to decide soon (like by the end of this month).  the other is something i will have to decide within the next few months (before summer).

i worry about doing the wrong thing, mostly with the first one.  i want to take a private writing retreat in boulder.  i have found airfare (haven't purchased) and lodging.  i have the dates lined up with the guy who runs the retreats.  the thing is, money is tight.  VERY tight.  like i said in my resolutions post, i really have to make some changes with how i spend my money.  i have to be less impulsive (i've been thinking about this since november--is that impulsive?).  i need to learn to tell myself no (i can justify so many reasons to go).  the money would be coming from my financial aid and/or my income tax return.  i look at this as extra money.  the whole trip will cost around $1,000.  i don't think that is a lot for what i should be getting out of it.  some people may think it's a poor decision because i should be saving every single penny that comes my way.  i agree.  i can save MOST of my financial aid.  i should be able to treat myself to something, right?

the second decision has to do with a job.  i was offered my job back at camperoo for the same money i am making at the school.  i feel very special that they really want me back.  there are so many pros and cons to this.  the good would be less stress, not taking work home, i would have more time for graduate school, and shorter commute.  the negatives would be alex couldn't go to school for free (i couldn't bring him to this school, so i'd have to pay tuition) and i wouldn't have paid holidays.  i would also miss my kids.  there are other perks to going back to work at camperoo.  i could hide in my cubicle when i didn't want to deal with people.  i could take longer lunches and visit with friends.

so what should i do?  i don't think i'm soliciting advice.  well, maybe i am.  i am wondering if i should go for this boulder trip.  i am wondering if they want to renew my contract here for next year.  if they want me here, i should probably stay here so alex can go to school here and i can stay with the students i enjoy.  i really hate making decisions!