i've been single just about a year now. it hasn't been an easy year, but i've done a pretty good job of not latching on to the first guy who comes my way. i have had several first dates, but never get a second one. even when the date lasted for like 6 hours and turned from coffee to dinner, i didn't get a phone call or anything. at first it bothered me. i was really lonely and thought i was ready to move on. then my sister died (april 8, 2010) and those things didn't seem that important anymore. i stopped paying for dating sites (at one point i was on 3 at one time). i stopped looking on craigslist. i just let it all go.
recently i decided that since it's been a year since everything fell apart and i'm pretty lonely i would post on craigslist. i did it just to see what i would get. you never know... i got a lot of bullshit, but i'm still talking to a couple of guys. i even had a date last friday nite. it was nice. we went to dinner at escalante's and then listened to the arival at sherlock's. i had a good time. i didn't feel any instant connection or anything, but he was a nice guy and i had fun. he called for a second date, and i accepted. we're going to see a movie on friday. he's not someone i'm super attracted to (he's not ugly) he's not someone i can picture long-term with (at this point), but as my therapist told me, i need to date and have fun. so i'm going. we'll see what happens.
now for something i debated writing about... i debated because i know what my friends will say. but, it's what's on my mind and it's my blog, so what the hell?
brett. i'm not ready to write about what happened between us (some really close people know, but for the most part, it's a secret). i think i'll be ready to write about it soon. i want to get it out there because it is a piece of me. i will tell you though, that this last year without him has been very hard for me. i miss him. even as i type this i'm feeling that. i've communicated with him some during this past year (everyone has a moment of weakness), but those times were few and far between. he has moved on. in fact, he moved on shortly after we broke up. i've wanted to know why, but i never asked. i picture him living this perfect life in his downtown apartment with his pretty girlfriend and all his rice friends. i picture him getting everything he wants out of life. my therapist told me not to do this, but i can't help it. to me, he is as close to perfection as i'll ever get. don't get me wrong, he's got flaws and i see that, but the good in him is still out-weighing the bad. i compare all guys to him and no one can live up to the man he is. that's so fucked up and i hate it. i think it's going to make it very difficult for me to move on as long as my mind is doing that.
they say (whoever "they" is) that this things get better with time. i've been without him a whole year (the longest we spent apart in our on again-off again 3 year romance). i feel like i still love him and would like to have him back in my life. i know that could possibly upset my friends who know the whole story, but that is how my heart feels. i can't help it. i fight the urge to contact him all the time. i'm successful and busy myself with something else, but it's still there. i think about him. i dream about him. i can't understand why he has this hold on me. why i can't let it go. it seems to obviously be over. i've come to terms with that (for the most part). i don't feel in denial anymore. i just don't feel like that chapter of my life is closed. maybe i just don't want it to be closed. i just know that i try--try to be strong, try to move on, try to push him out of my mind. i really do. i'm just not successful. he's taken up permanent residency in my brain and my heart.
i'm hoping that one day soon i'll be able to let it all go. it was a huge loss and very traumatic for me. maybe i still have some things to come to terms with. maybe i haven't found the perfect thing to immerse myself in. who knows? right now it is what it is and i'm just taking it one day at a time...
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