in memory...

three years ago today my sister passed away.  for those of you who don't know the story, she died of a drug overdose.  she was 28.  she took 65 vicodin (not all at one time--she was not trying to kill herself).  taking that many pills in a short time (over 3 days) caused her body to shut down. 

when i found out that she was in ICU it was a surprise, but it wasn't.  she had a drug problem. we all knew it.  but, at the same time, it was a shock.  i always knew it was a possibility, that she could overdose, but i didn't think it would actually happen.

when she died i was worried about my parents and alex.  i did everything i could to take care of all of them.  i didn't actually take time to grieve myself.  in fact, i spent the first year in denial.  at the year anniversary when she got her headstone is when it hit me that she was actually gone.  that she wasn't coming back. i had kinda convinced myself that she was just in rehab or something.

now it's been three years.  a part of me still thinks she not really gone.  it's just hard to believe it happened.  it goes back to what i wrote saturday night about everything happening for a reason and wanting to know the reason that she was taken from this world so young.  it goes back to me wondering why g-d would do that to us (the family).  why would He take her away instead of helping her?  a part of me thinks that maybe it was the only way for her to find peace after struggling for so many years.

it's been difficult for me because when i think about her or when she shows up in my dreams it's always the bad stuff that is being remembered. the fights and tantrums.  her being out of control. i want to remember the good times.

when we were younger (i was probably in elementary school--5th grade or so), we would put on matching night shirts and sing for my parents.  we would play barbies together. we liked to dress up and put on plays and sing.  we would play house and school together. 

but you see, all my memories are from when we were kids.  i went to college when she was in junior high.  that was when all her problems started.  i wasn't there for all the drama.  i would get told by my mom all the problems that were going on.  i would pull up to the front of my house to see a police car or witness the fits when i was home.  that's what i remember.

don't get me wrong, there were some good times over the years.  she adored alex.  she wasn't allowed to be alone with him, but she would play with him and he loved his aunt.  he didn't see her problems.  all his memories of her are innocent.

i hear people talk about their sisters and hanging out and everything.  i remember what my mom used to tell us, "you two need to get along because when i'm gone you'll only have each other."  i miss my sister.  i wish she was here now. maybe things would be better.

rest in peace jennifer

may your memory be a blessing

february 11, 1982-april 8, 2010