my weekend

two words for this weekend: fucked up!

it started out as something different.  well actually, two something differents (new word!).

i mentioned in a previous post that i had been on a couple of dates with a government professor.  i know i said that i wasn't having "those feelings" about him, but i still enjoy his company.  we had planned to hang out yesterday.  about mid-week, i started to have doubts about this.  doubts came for several reasons.  friends told me not to settle.  i don't want to lead someone on.  and even though, we had talked during the week, he didn't bring up our plans or mention that he was looking forward to seeing me (selfish i know, but such is life).

thursday i started thinking that i would find a nice place to get some writing done.  sit outside somewhere.  catch up on deadlines.  i researched some good places in houston to go.  i asked on facebook.  i got my projects together in my head.

then friday i started to go a little crazy.  i wasted an hour and a half after work on something totally pointless that just put me in a foul mood.  i came home and got texts from the guy about saturday (he waited until friday night to bring it up again).  i kinda blew him off. told him he waited too long to bring it up and that he showed very little excitement in wanting to see me. i felt bad because i was being silly and childish, but it's what i was feeling.

i was still determined to write on saturday.

i woke up late on saturday. close to 9. i didn't get out of bed until 10.  i ate breakfast and then tried to motivate myself to go somewhere and write.  i got a text from the guy. he asked if i wanted to meet for lunch.  i agreed to go.  but then, 10 minutes later, my mom walked in my room and asked me to go somewhere for her.  i texted the guy back and told him i couldn't make it.  i wasn't going to get there in time.  he was upset that i blew him off again.  i can understand that.  i would have gone to lunch if my mom didn't come in here, being too lazy to go do her own stuff.

anyway, things got fucking crazy after that.  i was driving and i just started crying.  i couldn't stop.  it escalated to hysterics.  in my mind i was thinking that life sucks. i was thinking that i don't like the person i am.  i was thinking i don't want to live with this person anymore.  i was thinking that i am living in a dream world and that there is no way i can accomplish anything i want to.  i know it all sounds like a pity party.  i am not sure what triggered all that.  i'll admit, i was ready to go to a hospital because i couldn't get myself to calm down.  i felt like i couldn't breathe and that i was trapped.  i guess it was some sort of panic attack.

i eventually calmed down.  i felt okay again.  like none of what happened was real. i don't know what brought all that on.  it wasn't the guy.  i'd had a tough week at work.  i was just feeling really low.  i was not feeling confident.  i just seemed to slide deeper and deeper without trying to.

i know that sharing all this makes me look totally crazy.  you're probably searching for a straight jacket for me.

i feel like this weekend was wasted.  i was looking forward to not having to work.  i was looking forward to some "me" time.  i really wanted to get some writing done.  all i got was trapped in my head crazy.  i sometimes wonder if things will ever get better.  i wonder if i'll find a way to cope with things better.

all i want is to be happy.  i also want to like the person i am.  i don't think that i'm asking too much.