i took a chance and started a link-up. it's been a bust. two weeks--two posts--nothing! maybe it's not the best idea for a link-up. i cared more about the alliteration than the idea at first. but i was thinking about it, if i put more thought into it, i could make it a fun game of pretend every week. who doesn't like to play pretend? so i challenge you, my 11 readers, come link-up and play pretend next wednesday. what if... well, what if you like it?? you won't know until you try!
i took a chance with my heart a couple of weeks ago. i sent J an email. remember him? he's the writer guy that i totally hit it off with. he's the guy who was totally into me until i confessed to having a mental illness. it took me two weeks to work up the nerve to send the email. i decided to do it because i spent two weeks thinking about doing it. i also figured i had nothing to lose.
here is some of what i had to say:
I've been thinking about you a lot. I've been on a couple of dates. The guys
were nice but... Well they weren't you. I'm hoping that doesn't sound psycho.
It's just that you and I clicked. We seemed to "get" each other. We had fun
together. You know the rest...
I'm hoping this isn't totally pathetic but I would like you to keep me as an
option. Not something to "settle for" but as a future possibility. That's not to
say I'll sit and wait for you to call. I'd just like you to know if/when you're
in a different place I'm not opposed to giving you and me another chance. You're
a very special guy with a good heart. I'm open to having that in my life.
here is some of what he had to say:
I appreciate you taking the time to write to let me know your feelings. Although I hope you will meet an awesome and incredible guy who will make you forget all about me, I do feel that we shared a connection and I will keep you as an option in the future should I reach a point in my life where I feel like I'm in a better place emotionally and mentally. You are a wonderful and special woman.
i thought this would be pathetic, but it really made me feel better. sure, nothing may never come of it. but at least i know, that i told him how i felt. i did everything i could. a friend said it was "ballsy". i like that!
finally, i've been thinking a lot about a chance i want to take, but i keep coming up with reasons not to take a risk. am i making excuses because i'm scared or do i have legitimate reasons for not moving forward? i've mentioned in another post about moving up to the san marcos area and working on the MFA program at texas state. i said that alex has one more year in elementary school and then i'm free to go where i want. why not move up there? get us established? put him in a public school in a small town? get into the MFA program and pursue my dream of teaching college and writing?
today i was thinking about alex having a bar mitzvah. that happens at age 13. is there a synagogue up there? if not, don't i have to stay here until after that? but that will be 7th grade. i'll have to let him finish middle school before moving him somewhere new. that puts us at waiting 4 years to go anywhere. am i making excuses or am i doing the best for alex by hanging around here?
i really hate living in the city, esp. in the loop. it's just too much. too many people. everyone in a hurry to get somewhere. it would be nice to slow down some.
i also worry about moving somewhere without a support system. i don't have much of one here, but i do have my ex mother-in-law, who loves alex very much and is always helping me with him. would it be wrong of me to take alex away from that? it's not like he would never get to visit. plus, he's getting to an age where he won't need a babysitter to stay home alone after school.
so i don't know if i should take a chance and move to follow my dream. i don't know if i'm making excuses. i don't know if i should reevaluate and come up with a more realistic dream since i do have to put alex and his needs near the top of the list.
some risks are a no-brainer--others can consume your mind.
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