the past

i always said that i have no regrets in life.  i always said i would never travel back in time and change anything (if that was possible).  the events in my life and the choices i have made have made me the person i am today and i appreciate the good and the bad that has happened.

well after the last couple of months and the conversation with my mom yesterday where she listed every mistake i have ever made, i am having a change of heart.  on my way home from work today i started thinking to which point would i like to go back to and change.

i can easily say today that i hate what my life has become.  i am not happy.  in all honesty, the only reason i get up day after day and continue to live is because of alex.  if it weren't for him...

i am 36 years old.  i have a heart condition.  i live with my parents.  i can't find a job that will pay me enough to live on my own.  i am alone.  i don't like myself very much.  i feel like i am ruining alex's life and that he will one day realize this.  i know that there are people worse off than me. i know i should count my blessings instead of finding all the negative things.  it just isn't possible right now.  there is no good (except alex).

so i begin to wonder... maybe i should have stayed married to wayne.  i was miserable then, but not as miserable as i am today.  maybe i should have continued to teach at the first school i worked at instead of venturing to middle school to try something different.  i was happy at that school and worked with wonderful people.  i also had more confidence and felt capable of fulfilling my job.  there are so many small choices i have made in life that i could have done differently that may have put me on a different path.  all i know is i hate where i am now and wish i could be somewhere else.

i feel so lost.  i don't know what to do to change things around for me.  i wish there was a time machine that i could use to change just one thing in my life.  i'm not sure what that one thing would be, but i would figure it out and give myself a new life.  this one is getting too hard to live.